So, So Tired

I am really fading here. I went to bed around 11pm last night (pretty usual for me). I quickly settle into a nice little sleep all snuggled in my down comforter. I would have liked to have stayed like that until wake up/workout time at 5:10am. I mean, isn’t that early enough already? But no…my body had other plans. It decided to wake up at 2:56am. It’s times like this that I want to throw that clock against the wall because it just seems to taunt me…2:57…2:58…2:59…Oh crap, now it’s 3am. I WANT TO SLEEP!!!! Then it’s 4am. Then it’s 5am and time to get up to workout anyway, so why not just give up? No problem. It was actually a great workout because I was more awake than usual.

But now…now, life is totally sucking. It is just after 4pm, and I am a feeling totally done for the day despite more than enough work on my desk to keep me busy for quite some time.

So what does everyone else do when you can’t sleep? Any tried and true remedies? I tried prayer, counting sheep, relaxation methods, reading, even doing some paperwork. It is so rare for me that I haven’t come up with anything that really works for me. I know from training with sleep psychologists that you are supposed to get out of bed until you feel tired again (which I did), but any other bright ideas from all you people with more chronic sleep problems?

Saying Goodbye

I hate to say goodbye.

I guess I have always known this about myself, but it hit me big-time last night when I drove up to my house around 9:30 and saw the For Sale sign in my yard that hadn’t been there when I left in the morning.

Now, this sign did not just randomly appear in my yard. It was placed there by the real estate agent I contracted with to do it. It wasn’t like I didn’t know it was coming. And I am ready for this. I really am. In fact, the reason I was getting home so late in the evening was because I had been out house hunting for the next home God has in store for me (not to mention getting crazy looks from three of my friends as I displayed some serious slaphappiness). It was fun. And I am excited about it and the adventures that lie ahead for me. But I still dread saying goodbye to this house. I can’t even think about someone else living there. It’s just too strange.

This was my first house, and it really became a home for me. I think it is always hard to say goodbye to our first anything – first love, first car, first pet, etc.

I actually named my first car. This, I will tell you, is a big no-no. In college, one of my lab courses in Neurobiology required that I train a rat on a maze before and after lesioning critical brain structures, only to later kill him and prepare slides of brain slices to analyze under a microscope. The first thing they told us was not to get too attached to the rat. Yeah – I didn’t listen. And that ended up being a difficult process for me.

I didn’t listen when it came to my car, either. I named him George (as in, “I will love him, and kiss him, and call him George,” for all of you Looney Tunes fans). George was a yellow, Ford Festiva with orange and black racing stripes on the side to help him sell off my father’s car dealership lot. You are now beginning to see how I ended up with him.

George and I had some great times. George had taken me back and forth on the 3.5 hour drive between my University and my hometown – my longest distance living away from home at that time. George had driven me and my friends around Rochester, NY so we could get off campus and have some fun. I got my first speeding ticket with George. And George somehow always had his windows completely steamed up when I went to get him in the remote parking lot where he stayed when I didn’t need him – to this day, I swear people were breaking in and making out in there, but George never said a word. He was just that trustworthy. I actually had to have a parting conversation with George before I sold him.

So you are probably getting the picture…if it was that hard saying goodbye to George, it is understandable that saying goodbye to my first house is going to be hard.

At least I never named my house.

A Captivating Movie

At the risk of shamelessly ripping off my friend Steve who wrote about this a little while back, I want to share some thoughts about a movie I just saw this past weekend - the recent movie remake of King Kong.

Disclaimer - I will take a uniquely female perspective that neither Steve nor the male character who speaks the truth behind the story brings forth. Proceed at your own risk.

King Kong wasn’t really a movie that I had been planning to run right out and see, but after reading Steve’s comments, it sounded more interesting. Specifically, he commented, “If you want to see a movie that portrays sacrifice in a way that reflects the true consequences of the choice to love someone more than yourself, watch King Kong.” So, since I am a sucker for a good love story, I decided it would be a good Friday night pick.

I never knew that there was an amazing message hidden within a seemingly far-fetched tale of a huge gorilla terrorizing the streets of New York. But beneath the outrageous premise of this movie is a beautiful story of the transforming power of love.

As one of the main characters states as he gazes down at the lifeless body of King Kong, who had just died fighting for love and the existence he knew he was meant to live out without compromise, “Twas beauty that killed the beast.” How true. For it was the beauty of a woman and the beauty of love that took the king of the wildest beasts in the jungle and uncovered something more. It uncovered a heart that could love, a heart that longed for and responded to the beauty of a woman. Yet amazingly, Kong retained all of his other qualities. He retained a fierceness that made him a formidable opponent to everything from dinosaurs, to man, to machines and guns. He retained his majestic appearance and countenance. And in the end, he retained his calling – to fight and live out his days as a king who succumbed to no one. But it was a calling now enhanced and refined by this transforming love. It was truly beautiful. And that beauty, beyond just the beauty of the woman - is what overcame the beast.

And just that would be enough...but what about the other side of the story? I couldn’t help but notice a transformation in the very woman who revealed the beauty that killed the beast.

Anne was an absolutely gorgeous woman. A true beauty. But others, from her elderly mentor on Vaudeville to the many rough-edged sailors on a grungy barge, noticed something more. There was a beauty in her spirit and her carriage. There was something special. Others noticed it.

So then you can see that when we speak about the essence of a woman – her beauty – we don’t mean “the perfect figure.” The beauty of a woman is first a soulish beauty. And yes, as we live it out, own it, inhabit our beauty, we do become more lovely. More alluring.

– from Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge

The only problem was that Anne didn’t see it. Or, perhaps more accurately, she didn’t believe in it. She didn’t trust it. And she didn’t trust herself. And she didn’t trust others. With a past where everyone she had ever loved had let her down, she had shut down. She would only let herself go so far, and then she would stop and go no further. She would only love so much, and then she would love no more, trust no more. And that was her existence. But:

So the choice a woman makes is not to conjure beauty, but to let her defenses down. To choose to set aside her normal means of survival and just let her heart show up. Beauty comes with it.
-from Captivating

And that, I believe, is precisely what happened to Anne. She made a choice. She experienced strength from an unlikely source, and she began to let her heart show up…

To experience the strength of a man is to have him speak on our behalf…We long for the protection masculine strength offers…We long for someone strong to stand between us and the vicious assaults of the enemy…The strength of a man is first a soulish strength – a strength of heart. And yes, as he lives it out, owns it, inhabits his strength, he does become more handsome. More attractive. As the fruit of an inner reality…
- from Captivating

As Anne’s beauty began to reveal the inner reality that resided in the heart of the beast, she began to trust not only him, but also herself. She let go of fear, and she took off on an amazing adventure with reckless abandon.

You could argue Anne was let down in the end. After all, the beast died, and he took his inner reality – the strength of beauty within the beast - with him. But I don’t believe it. I believe he left behind a whole new beauty in what he unveiled in this woman. He had unveiled the fullness of her beauty.

Although the movie ends there, I like to think Anne didn’t waste her beauty or let it fade. I like to think she continued to reveal her full beauty and the full presence of her heart in order to find and treasure her next adventure.

And I like to think I will do the same.

Fear Not

So…2005. You and I had a bit of a love-hate relationship, didn’t we? You were a year that brought a lot of things - new friends who have helped me to rediscover sides of myself that I had almost lost; healing through buried hurts; and heartbreak and painful experiences that showed me where true freedom, hope, and joy come from, to a name a few big ones. But as I look back, all of these seem tied to one underlying development. 2005 was a year where I decided to confront fear.

I have lived in fear for most of my 32 years, and it has been this year that has helped me to see it clearly for the first time. It has been this year that has brought me to a place of confronting it for the first time. And it has been this year that has led me to see how much fear has been holding me back from amazing experiences.

And through all of this, I have learned one thing that I know for sure – fear sucks. And I am not going to accept it anymore. I am not going to let it dictate my life.

As I look to my future, there is a lot I could be scared of. Frankly, some of it may happen. Some of it may even be probable based on the circumstances that confront me. But God is a God of the impossible, and so I see now that circumstances are not the whole story. In 2005, God showed me that the impossible can, in fact, become reality if I trust in him.

So I ask myself, “what if I put myself out there and take the chances that are right in front of me? What if I take the risk?” Yes, my worst fears could happen. They could. But, alternatively, my wildest dreams could come true. My deepest hopes could be fulfilled.

I have wasted enough time. I have allowed myself to enter a life of boredom and white-knuckled security that left no room for adventure. And that is no life. From now on, I choose adventure.

I am shooting for my wildest dreams. Care to join me?

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:7

Not Feelin' the Love

It has been over 10 years since I have lived in my hometown of Lowville, NY. I haven’t lived near family since that time. Both of my parents live there, and now so does my older brother and his family (including his wife and two children, ages 8 and 5). And my older sister lives in Boston with her family (including her husband and two children, ages 5 and 18 months), but they were visiting over the Christmas holiday too, so we were all together.

While my niece and nephews know their Aunt Marsha, they don’t know me overly well. I see them one to two times per year most typically, and I talk to them intermittently in between. I write all of this as background to a funny story…

So I am eating dinner with my father and my brother’s family tonight. The kids are done and have gone in to finish watching the Peter Pan video that Santa brought one of them for Christmas. Out of the blue, my 8 year old nephew, Stefan, leaves the video while it is playing (you have to understand that this NEVER happens) and comes into the dining room again. He looks at me and asks, “Aunt Marsha, are you married?” I laughed and said something to indicate that I am not and didn’t he think he would have met my husband if I were? He laughed, too. I said I would make sure he is one of the first to meet my husband after I find him. He laughed again and said, “I betcha he’ll be really goofy, just like you.” I think he was setting me up for that all along. That kid is smart.

Later, I walked into one again. He looks at me and says, “You look like a teenager.” As a 32 year old woman who is beginning to feel my age set in, I was pretty flattered. But it didn’t last long. As we were playing Power Rangers pinball (and I was beating his high score after he made some snide comment about how he would take it easy on me because of the fact that I am a girl) he then said with a devilish smile, “It’s probably hard to see those pinball lights with your old lady eyes.”

I can’t wait to have some sweet little ones just like these!

Ponderings Through a Partial Foil

It’s rare that I find something in one of those women’s magazines that I think is worth quoting for anything more than entertainment value. You know - the ones you read when you are sitting at a beauty salon with foil all over your head waiting to get your next new look. Ah…highlights and a haircut…there is nothing like it to at least temporarily make you feel better about whatever crap is going on in your life. But I digress…

Yesterday, as I repeatedly pushed this one annoying piece of foil out of my line of sight, I found some pretty interesting stuff in one of these magazines. Of course I, being the astoundingly unobservant person I am when it comes to this stuff, can’t remember the name of the magazine. But I do remember some of what I read.

There was an article about getting your figure back after having a baby, and it was pretty interesting. Now, I don’t need that information at the moment, but I filed it away for potential future use.

Then I went to something really, really light – something about 55 ways to keep your love alive in long term relationships. Now, I usually completely ignore any article entitled “XX Ways To…” This policy has served me well most of my life, so I generally stick to it. But this time I had time to kill, and I had read and looked at everything else of interest, so I went there. The list was pretty tongue in cheek - some serious stuff and then some humorous stuff submitted by comedians or whatever.

For men, the one I liked was from the man who has the longest recorded marriage in history. What was his advice? To never underestimate the power of the words, “Yes, dear.” Sounds like a very, very wise man.

For women, there was one particularly funny one about not reserving blow jobs (hey, I am just the messenger here) for just birthdays and anniversaries. No big surprise there, but worth filing away for potential future use just the same :)

Most of all, though, I really liked some of the serious ones. As a single woman over 30, my thoughts about dating are less about just getting to know who I am and who others are in relationships and more about who I might like to be with long term. As everyone is aware, there is advice for this stuff everywhere you turn. I usually ignore it and just listen to my heart and the whispers of God into my heart. However, I did think the following two comments were truly words of wisdom and really not all that different from what God has been speaking to me on my journey.

Don’t pick the person you think you can live with; pick the individual you think you can’t live without. –Dr. James Dobson

Whatever you think about Dr. Dobson, this seems to be good advice. We get so caught up on the little things about the people we are interested in romatically. It can drive you crazy going back and forth on this stuff. “Can I see my life without this person?” seems much more important. It’s obviously not the whole story, but it’s a great starting place.

First, choose the one you love; then, love the one you choose.

I don’t remember who said this other than the fact that it was submitted by one of the magazine’s readers. I think it could not be any more true. Hold out for someone you are truly in love with; however, there will also be many times when you will each have to choose to keep that love alive. Choosing someone means committing to choose to love them. Not always easy, but a beautiful picture of the kind of love that Jesus talks about.

So, there you have it. Actual words of wisdom found in the pages of Cosmo or Elle or whatever it was - definitely an unexpected find. Of course, maybe none of this is at all interesting, and it was just the metallic foil interfering with my brain waves. You're done reading. You decide.

I Lift My Eyes Up

This has been a very hard couple of days. The enemy has found some wormholes, and the attack has been launched. Already injured hope now reels further. This enemy is relentless. His whispered lies are becoming more audible. I need the truth of God to drown them out.

I know what the master plan is here. I know that the enemy wants me to blame God for my circumstances. To lose hope. To turn to old patterns rather than to turn to Him for comfort and healing. Despite how hard it is, I am not hip to that plan.

So I just really tried to press into God last night and this morning before going to work. My prayer has been that I would feel Him close right now. I need to experience Him clearly. Something small. Something big. I will take anything. And through it, I will praise Him just for who He is. Pressing forward through pain is difficult but also truly amazing when God is with you on that journey.

And I have seen glimpses of Him today, even at work. A 5 year old boy at work really reflected the face of God today…so amazing.

I want to thank all of you who are praying for me. The battle has intensified, and I would like to ask for continued prayers. I know where my hope comes from, and I pray that it becomes strong once again despite my circumstances.

Blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank.
-Jeremiah 17:7-8

The Shopgirl's Choice

They say good things come in three's. Reading Courtney and Candyce's commentary on the recent GNO (aka Girls' Night Out) outing to see Shopgirl, a movie based on the novella by Steve Martin, has inspired me to post something I wrote while reflecting on the movie and life this weekend. So this one goes out to my fellow GNOers...boop boop.

I’m not a (shop) girl
I’m a woman

I know who I am
And I know my heart
The desires it hides
The feelings it holds

Something real
Something beautiful
Sometimes painful
Always patient

I gaze at a life that awakened me
Only glancing to other possibilities
Settling for the hope of love
But longing for love’s assurance

I face hurt now or hurt later
A choice that is hardly a choice
Yet it confronts my soul
It is mine to make

It was a beautiful dream
But it was only a dream
Reality sings a different melody
And I will soon have to listen

Is it time for the dream to die?
Strength may mean staying here
Or strength may mean moving on
To the hope of a new dream ahead

Tagged Again

I have been tagged again - this time by my sweet friend Candyce. At least it gives me something to blog to get the week started. So, live from my office where procrastination is running rampant...

7 things to do before I die:

1. Marry the man God has designated for me; cherish and nuture that marriage.
2. Raise a child or children with a love that demonstrates the love of Christ
3. Vacation - African safari
4. Vacation – Australia
   (note #s 3 and 4 preferably after #1 - wouldn't that be fun!)
5. Paragliding off a mountain range
6. Publish something nonscientific that I have written
7. Find new ways to bring God’s light into darkness
   

7 things I cannot do:

1. Surf
2. Touch my tongue to my nose
3. Ski
4. Make the Hydroseal call
5. Keep myself from laughing
6. Vomit (last time was when I was 19 – perhaps TMI)
7. Avoid drama

7 things that attract me to a guy:

1. Passion and dedication in the adventure of following Jesus, and a desire for me to share in that adventure with him (from the works of John and Stasi Eldredge, but definitely from my heart)
2. Strength of character and an appreciation for my...uh... strength of character :)
3. Sense of humor and an appreciation for my somewhat strange sense of humor :)
4. Intelligence (ain't necessarily lotsa schoolin')
5. Soccer/tennis body and general athleticism (oh come on, you know you have your physique ideals, too)
6. A willingness to pursue me (I am not going to make him jump through hoops or anything. I just need to be sure of his intentions.)
7. That feeling I get when he looks into my eyes (**long sigh**).
   
   

7 books/series I love (how to pick just 7?!!!):

1. Blue Like Jazz/Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller
2. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
3. Captivating/Wild At Heart by John/Stasi Eldredge
4. Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot
5. Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling
6. Naked by David Sedaris
7. Lord of the Flies by William Golding
   (The Bible stands on a list of it’s own…)
   
   

7 movies I would watch over and over again:

1. The Princess Bride
2. Sense and Sensibility/Jane Austen films in general
3. Four Weddings and a Funeral
4. Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind
5. When Harry Met Sally
6. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
7. Shopgirl (I think this might be on the list, but too soon to say for sure)

Awkward Is...

Awkward is walking into the cafeteria of your local children's hospital and being accosted by somewhat out-of-shape belly dancers. I believe I also heard the clanging of finger cymbals before my eyes and ears shut down in a state of shock. It's bad enough for those of us who work here, but I feel awful for the parents and children. Looks like there will be a surge in psychology referrals for recurrent nightmares this month...

The Costs of Joy

Watching a favorite comedy (The Princess Bride) on Thanksgiving Day………….free

A haircut with highlights to signify a new beginning…………………………….....$65

Gas to drive to Yellowstone to experience beauty ………...............one gazillion dollars

Randomly finding a large, bright-yellow flotation device in your backyard ……….????

The love of God and of friends who support me in difficult times.…………PRICELESS

On this Thanksgiving Day, I offer all praise and thanks to God who amazes me in how he provides me comfort despite the blows of life that would otherwise take me out for the count. Lord, I love and trust you even when I can’t remotely understand your ways.

I thank all of you who have been and are there for me. The love, tears, and laughter I share with you mean more to me than I could ever express. If you don’t know who you are, then shame on me for not letting you know the way I should. I love you.

Oh, here come the ROUSes…gotta go. Happy Thanksgiving!

I Am Woodstock

I took this quiz linked on a friend's blog and thought it was kinda funny. Above is what I found out about myself. Interesting, especially since I used to sleep with a stuffed animal version of Woodstock growing up. If you don't agree that I possess these amazing qualities, you may feel free to remain silent :)

Hope

This weekend was about retreating into time of relaxation. Myself and some other leaders from our church plant went to National Bridge State Park in Kentucky to spend time fellowshipping with one another and God, to get quiet away from the busyness of our everyday lives, to connect with the beauty of nature, and to just have fun. Well, goals met. It was amazing. Just a great time to unplug in order to recharge.

During our last day there, one of my friends saw a deer outside the window of the cabin in which we were staying. He was really delighted, as were others. I found myself not moving to see it, thinking about how I have a family of deer who I see enter my backyard from the woods behind my house about once a month or so, so what is the big deal about seeing one out here? So I ignored it. Boy, do I regret that now.

Later as I was driving back home from the trip and away from our retreat area, I found my heart sinking into sadness. I live alone, and I knew full well that going from a time of such great community and fellowship with people I love to an empty house would be a very difficult transition for me. I was ready for it, yet it still hit. I slept for like three hours when I got home even though I rarely take naps. I finally forced myself to get up and call some friends to go out, as staying there any longer could only lead to slipping further into that pit, and that would be far from healthy.

As I was driving to Baba’s where we were meeting for coffee before catching Capote at the Esquire, I saw a horrible sight. I saw a deer on the side of the road, freshly wounded by a passing car. As I drove by, my headlights illuminated the deer’s face, and I saw a look of suffering that I can’t erase from my mind. And I felt it right away – this was one of my deer. One of the deer that visits my backyard. One of the deer I was counting on for beauty in this city far away from the cabin oasis we had visited. One that I was counting on being here so much that I took the sight of another beautiful creature for granted.

Somehow this became about more than a deer for me. It was about dashed hopes and opportunities. That deer on the side of the road represented the opportunities that I hope for being ripped away before I have a chance to give my all to cherish and enjoy them. It represented the previous opportunities I have squandered away thinking that the next would still be waiting for me around the corner. But there was that next opportunity suffering at the edge of death on the side of a parkway. Hope deferred. Hope destroyed.

I did my best to gather myself and enjoy my time with some great friends. It turned out to be a good time. We later said our goodbyes through some laughter, and I headed home.

Pulling into my driveway, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I know that sounds dramatic, but it is true. Because there in my backyard standing frozen in my headlights was a doe. One doe. Maybe she was alone and that was her companion I had seen earlier. Or maybe she wasn’t, and I just couldn’t see the others from where I was. Maybe it was the same doe as has visited me in the past, or maybe it was a completely different one. It didn’t really matter. Because regardless, standing right in front of me was another opportunity. Another chance to experience beauty, to cherish something I thought was gone forever. Hope renewed. And I needed that. I really did.

Waiting for the Crash

Ok, so I am incredibly sleep deprived. I am working on an extra project at work that is requiring long hours and lots of mental energy. So, even when I finally make time to go to sleep, my mind is not turning off in fear that I won't get my incredibly intelligent thoughts back when I wake. The result - sleep deprivation.

And I am so paradoxical. I generally don't drink caffeine and haven't for at least 5 or 6 years (it's a migraine headache issue). I am running on raw Marsha energy right now. You would think I would be lethargic. Nope, not me. I am manic. My fingers are like lightning as they move across these keys. People are interacting with me and asking why I am talking so fast. They are a little freaked out by my wide-eyed stare. They seem a little puzzled about why I have this low-level tremor. I don't know why, but they seem to be a little nervous that I happen to see things in the room that they don't see (no, not really...but the other examples are true). All of this without caffeine or a drug habit. Cool. But I am a little scared about what is going to happen when the crash finally hits. You may want to keep your distance...

Still Trusting

On September 4th, I wrote the following in my journal:

I guess we have all been there. We have all taken shots that felt like someone just kicked us in the stomach; that felt like we took a bullet through the heart. I have certainly been there in the past myself. But now - this time in my life right now - is different. It seems I can’t get through a single week without taking not just one of these shots, but often several of them. And I wonder, “when will it end?”

This week, I took a shot that I don’t even think I have fully processed yet. I guess I know that if I sat still enough to let myself do this, it could very well be too much for me. On top of every other blow I have taken in recent months, this one might just knock me out. I don’t know if I could ever catch my breath again. How do you go on when the very thing you have desired in your heart since as long as you can remember may not be a possibility for you? How do you even find the will to go on? And the kicker question – how do you trust a God who would let this happen?

I want to trust that he can overcome even what seem to be overwhelming odds. And if this is not his plan for me, I want to trust that he has something better. I want to. But it feels like my whole life these days is about trusting the unseen despite overwhelming odds. I am tired. I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up. It is a crazy cycle. I want to get off. I want it to end. But instead, more ammunition is added, and the cycle spins faster.

So today I willfully choose to trust. And I will do that tomorrow. And by the grace of God, I will find the strength to do it the following day. And the day after that. And as long as I have to. Father, come and hold me through this…

I re-read this entry this week. My circumstances remain, and I am still tired - but not as much. I still have no idea what is going on – but I am letting go somehow. I still am facing the possibility of dashed hopes and dreams. But I am still here. I am still trusting. I am held. And somehow, I am more peaceful.

What an amazing God. I pray he never stops amazing me. But, then again, I guess he never could.

My Dreamcatcher

One of the areas I worked in earlier in my training to be a child psychologist was childhood fears and anxiety. I was reading a friend's blog about his fears the other day, and something I learned about in my training came to mind as I reflected on fears in general. It is called a Dreamcatcher.

Dreamcatchers themselves did not originate in the field of psychology. They are actually Native American in origin. They were originally hung above a baby’s cradle with the belief that bad dreams and thoughts would be caught in the spiderlike web of the Dreamcatcher and dissolve like dew in the morning. In contrast, good dreams and thoughts would pass through the opening in the center and go to the person who slept under the Dreamcatcher.

What gives a fear power is not the feared situation itself, but rather the belief or expectation around the fear. This is then compounded by our avoidance of the feared situation or object – the more we avoid, the more our fear is reinforced. So the psychological treatment of most fears is typically two-fold: first, addressing the person’s thoughts and beliefs about the feared situation to examine where they may be misleading; second, doing some form of exposure to the feared situation. That is, a person must enter the feared situation in order for it to lose its power.

From a psychological perspective at least, the way a Dreamcatcher works is by addressing the first area – our beliefs. If we believe that our bad dreams are going to be caught in the Dreamcatcher, our nightmares will diminish. With children, I have seen it work over and over again when introduced correctly.

So, this made me think about how I actually have a Dreamcatcher of sorts in life. God has offered to catch the fears that block me from my dreams so that I can be all that I am meant to be. 1 Peter 5: 6-7 says:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

God has offered to carry all our fears, worries, and anxious thoughts, taking them captive and leaving only those things that empower and encourage us in the path he has chosen for us. But our job is to cast them onto him. We have to be willing to let them go - to actually hurl or cast them away. For some things in life, I find that this casting has to be done daily. For other things, it has to happen many times daily (which is exhausting on the days I even come close to doing it). For still others, it is easier (thank God!!). But for all things, the casting eventually becomes easier and lasts longer as I continue to do it. There are some things that are no longer even fears anymore, because he has taken them so completely in response to the casting.

My life, as it turns out, is teaching me one very important lesson (among others). God is our fearcatcher, and he leaves us with only our wildest dreams to pursue.

Speaking To My Soul

I find it amazing when I come across the writings of an author who seems to be writing straight out of my soul. It's like I experience true connection. I feel understood.

As part of a group of incredible women that I meet with and am privileged to be getting to know, I am re-reading a book entitled Captivating. I highly recommend this book as an important read for women. I recommend it to men who desire to better understand and cherish women and the way they reflect a very part of God himself. It is a book that has brought me to a greater understanding, appreciation, and acceptance of who I am. And in this book, the authors reference a quote from the writings of Anais Nin. I read, and I wanted more. Here are some of her insights that really speak to me:

The time came when the risk it took
To remain tight in a bud was more painful
Than the risk it took to blossom

...to withhold from living is to die and that the more you give of yourself to life the more life nourishes you

The monster I kill every day is the monster of realism. The monster who attacks me every day is destruction. Out of the duel comes the transformation. I turn destruction into creation over and over again

For you and for me the highest moment, the keenest joy, is not when our minds dominate but when we lose our minds...

Great stuff. I can't wait to discover more. ..

The Root Of It All

The little girl sat on the stiff couch, waiting by the window for the means of escape that would soon arrive. She stared through the clear glass into the sunny, summer day outside, and, even at her young age, the contrast of that beauty with the horror of what was unfolding inside did not escape her.

“Please, God, let them get here, but don’t let them see,” she thought. “Don’t let them notice.” But her rescuers did not arrive, and she was instead forced to watch, to hear a scene that would haunt her in ways she wouldn’t understand until many years later.

The sight in front of her remained disturbingly clear despite the tears that flowed from her innocent eyes. She didn’t want to look, but somehow she couldn’t stop. And she didn’t want to listen, but she couldn’t tune it out. Her sobs came freely, but they weren’t noticed through the anger and the yelling. And somehow the yelling was strangely welcome because of the fear that it could otherwise turn into something much, much worse.

And that’s when he said it, and the words stung like none she had ever heard before. “Did he really just say that? Is it true? Was I really a mistake? Something they never wanted? Do they even want me now? Maybe they can’t even stand the sight of me. Maybe that’s why they don’t notice me sitting here, listening, watching.” And the tears came even faster, shaking her whole body which now ached with hurt all over - except for her heart. Her heart just seemed to go dead.

Her ride finally arrived, but the damage was done. She dried her eyes, wiped off her face, and walked out into that bright sunlight that now seemed like her enemy. As she approached the beat up Mercedes and saw her friend inside, she smiled the smile that has been used to veil the hurt ever since. And they didn’t notice. Noone did.

That memory came barreling back into my mind and heart recently, and for a moment I was that little girl again. The truth is, in some ways I never stopped being that little girl. And with the memory came the tears, seemingly identical to the ones cried on that horrible, horrible day.

This time, though, the tears of sorrow and pain were mixed with tears of joy, because it was a memory brought forth by the God who knew I was ready to face it and all the hurt it had ushered in. He knew I was ready to face it because I was ready to reject the heaviness, rejection, jealousy, and tendency toward competition that it had planted in my life, affecting not only myself but also the people and things most dear to me.

The enemy is all too aware of my weakness, having been behind the whole thing in the first place. He wants me to experience rejection easily so that I feel cut-off from the love of others. He wants me to feel chronically unloved and unappreciated. He wants me to believe the lie that I have to be perfect to be loved, that I somehow have to earn it. He wants me to believe that the mistake was not only my parents’ but also God’s. He wants to separate me from any idea that my life is purposeful, that I have a unique place in God’s plan.

But it does not end there, because God is the author and protector of truth. And at the time He knew was no less than perfect, He spoke to me words of love like I have never heard, and the experience moved me like no words could ever express. He has confirmed my purpose and his love for me, telling me He is enveloping me in His arms from behind and that He ordained the following to be written with me in mind:

O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

I do have purpose, and it is a purpose assigned by my ultimate Creator before my very conception. It is a purpose that He is bringing to light, and I find myself standing in amazement that this is what He had in mind from the very beginning. I am in awe of the privilege and the responsibility, but I am so thankful that He is the author of it all. I am so thankful that He gives me insight into what is inside of me that needs to be healed and set free in order for His work to be accomplished through my life according to His plan. So I allow Him to heal, even as it means letting go long held beliefs and perhaps even long held desires. The roots of evil were planted, but God has pulled them out and is planting a new garden in my life – the fruits of which I can’t wait to fully experience.

Trusting in the Holy But

I see it in people’s eyes, and I hear it in their voices. I recognize it because I, too, think it in my own mind. Logic stares me in the face, and, no matter how hard I try, I can’t make myself believe that it is to be accepted. I can’t help but want to defy it. I wait on a hope deferred, trying to keep my heart from growing sick. And I am scared, because it makes no sense. And I worry, because what if I am wrong and just plain delusional? And just when I am about to give up – to accept less than what I believe I have been told to expect - I once again hear God speak to me what He has previously spoken, each time in new and different ways. He somehow speaks specifically to the doubts and questions that are arising in the moment.

Each time, he tells me that He is in control. He has issued me a promise, and He will not disappoint. He is what I just the other night heard described as my “Holy But.” It makes no sense, BUT God is a God of irrational things. He is a God of miracles. He is a God that can make the unbelievable believable. He is beyond all I can hope for or imagine. He is beyond my view of reality and reason, and he is beyond that of others as well.

It is He who reminds me:

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; BUT [emphasis mine] those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40: 28-31 (New International Version)

I am so very tired and so very weary. BUT my God never becomes so, even though he walks the same path with me. I have limitations, BUT my God created the ends of the earth – and the possibilities of what he created are limitless. I have a finite understanding of my circumstances and those of others, BUT my God has understanding that knows no boundaries – there is nothing that is not possible through Him. I grow weak under the strain of my circumstances, BUT he renews my strength. Through him I can soar like I had wings to fly. I need only to let go of what anchors me to the ground and allow it to happen.

What could be better than this? How could what he has in store for me not be worth waiting for? And even better - He walks with me and sustains me and even makes a way for me to actually soar – soar! - as I journey toward the full experience of that which he has to give me. He is perhaps taking detours I didn’t expect, but the experience of the journey is itself a blessing.

Too often, I miss all the scenery on a road trip because I am so anxious to get to the final destination. If I had done this on my recent road trip to Yellowstone I would have missed so much. I would have missed the deer and the antelope playing (literally). I would have missed amazing sunrises and unbelievable sunsets. I would have missed stars as far as the eye can see across an expanse of sky as clear as I have ever experienced. I would have missed meeting interesting people and managing to wrangle a cameo picture in two small town newsletters. What a waste that would have been.

Too often, I have neglected to pay attention to the blessings in store along the way in my journey with God as well. No more. I am now going to try my damndest to pay attention to the scenery on my travels, not just to the end point alone. The beauty, I am finding, is in the detours.

Lord, continue to open my eyes and my heart to what you are showing me now, as we walk together to the fulfillment of your promises to me, and as we continue to walk to our final destination together. You are truly worth waiting on. Thank you for the experience.

The Bloggers Are Getting Restless...

Ok, Ok…I admit that it has been shamefully long since I have posted. In my defense, I have been a bit preoccupied over the last few weeks, and that was followed by some much needed time out of town experiencing nature. Let me tell you, there is a reason we call God “Creator”– the most creative people I know have nothing on Him. There will probably be more on this experience once I have reflected a bit more, but for now I will merely step up to a challenge, as I have been “tagged” by agirloutthere.

10 things that make me happy (in no particular order) are:

1. Springtime
2. Laughing and sharing a laugh with others
3. My cats cuddling up to me and purring when I cry (no cat lady jokes, please)
4. Feeling truly loved – moments where it just permeates through me and I can’t deny it
5. Wearing open-toed shoes
6. The smell of rain on a hot day
7. Those moments when I know I am walking out what God created me to do
8. Conquering a fear
9. The feeling of a small child’s hand in mine
10. Slimming outfits

To all who know me as Helmet, don’t fret. Wearing helmets (or seeing others wear helmets) just missed the list at #11!

Stay tuned for reflections on my recent road trip to Idaho (yes, Idaho) and, as a bonus - suggested by none other than agirloutthere again - a list of ways I have almost died. How’s that for a cliffhanger?