Awkward Is...

Awkward is walking into the cafeteria of your local children's hospital and being accosted by somewhat out-of-shape belly dancers. I believe I also heard the clanging of finger cymbals before my eyes and ears shut down in a state of shock. It's bad enough for those of us who work here, but I feel awful for the parents and children. Looks like there will be a surge in psychology referrals for recurrent nightmares this month...

The Costs of Joy

Watching a favorite comedy (The Princess Bride) on Thanksgiving Day………….free

A haircut with highlights to signify a new beginning…………………………….....$65

Gas to drive to Yellowstone to experience beauty ………...............one gazillion dollars

Randomly finding a large, bright-yellow flotation device in your backyard ……….????

The love of God and of friends who support me in difficult times.…………PRICELESS

On this Thanksgiving Day, I offer all praise and thanks to God who amazes me in how he provides me comfort despite the blows of life that would otherwise take me out for the count. Lord, I love and trust you even when I can’t remotely understand your ways.

I thank all of you who have been and are there for me. The love, tears, and laughter I share with you mean more to me than I could ever express. If you don’t know who you are, then shame on me for not letting you know the way I should. I love you.

Oh, here come the ROUSes…gotta go. Happy Thanksgiving!

I Am Woodstock

I took this quiz linked on a friend's blog and thought it was kinda funny. Above is what I found out about myself. Interesting, especially since I used to sleep with a stuffed animal version of Woodstock growing up. If you don't agree that I possess these amazing qualities, you may feel free to remain silent :)

Hope

This weekend was about retreating into time of relaxation. Myself and some other leaders from our church plant went to National Bridge State Park in Kentucky to spend time fellowshipping with one another and God, to get quiet away from the busyness of our everyday lives, to connect with the beauty of nature, and to just have fun. Well, goals met. It was amazing. Just a great time to unplug in order to recharge.

During our last day there, one of my friends saw a deer outside the window of the cabin in which we were staying. He was really delighted, as were others. I found myself not moving to see it, thinking about how I have a family of deer who I see enter my backyard from the woods behind my house about once a month or so, so what is the big deal about seeing one out here? So I ignored it. Boy, do I regret that now.

Later as I was driving back home from the trip and away from our retreat area, I found my heart sinking into sadness. I live alone, and I knew full well that going from a time of such great community and fellowship with people I love to an empty house would be a very difficult transition for me. I was ready for it, yet it still hit. I slept for like three hours when I got home even though I rarely take naps. I finally forced myself to get up and call some friends to go out, as staying there any longer could only lead to slipping further into that pit, and that would be far from healthy.

As I was driving to Baba’s where we were meeting for coffee before catching Capote at the Esquire, I saw a horrible sight. I saw a deer on the side of the road, freshly wounded by a passing car. As I drove by, my headlights illuminated the deer’s face, and I saw a look of suffering that I can’t erase from my mind. And I felt it right away – this was one of my deer. One of the deer that visits my backyard. One of the deer I was counting on for beauty in this city far away from the cabin oasis we had visited. One that I was counting on being here so much that I took the sight of another beautiful creature for granted.

Somehow this became about more than a deer for me. It was about dashed hopes and opportunities. That deer on the side of the road represented the opportunities that I hope for being ripped away before I have a chance to give my all to cherish and enjoy them. It represented the previous opportunities I have squandered away thinking that the next would still be waiting for me around the corner. But there was that next opportunity suffering at the edge of death on the side of a parkway. Hope deferred. Hope destroyed.

I did my best to gather myself and enjoy my time with some great friends. It turned out to be a good time. We later said our goodbyes through some laughter, and I headed home.

Pulling into my driveway, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I know that sounds dramatic, but it is true. Because there in my backyard standing frozen in my headlights was a doe. One doe. Maybe she was alone and that was her companion I had seen earlier. Or maybe she wasn’t, and I just couldn’t see the others from where I was. Maybe it was the same doe as has visited me in the past, or maybe it was a completely different one. It didn’t really matter. Because regardless, standing right in front of me was another opportunity. Another chance to experience beauty, to cherish something I thought was gone forever. Hope renewed. And I needed that. I really did.

Waiting for the Crash

Ok, so I am incredibly sleep deprived. I am working on an extra project at work that is requiring long hours and lots of mental energy. So, even when I finally make time to go to sleep, my mind is not turning off in fear that I won't get my incredibly intelligent thoughts back when I wake. The result - sleep deprivation.

And I am so paradoxical. I generally don't drink caffeine and haven't for at least 5 or 6 years (it's a migraine headache issue). I am running on raw Marsha energy right now. You would think I would be lethargic. Nope, not me. I am manic. My fingers are like lightning as they move across these keys. People are interacting with me and asking why I am talking so fast. They are a little freaked out by my wide-eyed stare. They seem a little puzzled about why I have this low-level tremor. I don't know why, but they seem to be a little nervous that I happen to see things in the room that they don't see (no, not really...but the other examples are true). All of this without caffeine or a drug habit. Cool. But I am a little scared about what is going to happen when the crash finally hits. You may want to keep your distance...

Still Trusting

On September 4th, I wrote the following in my journal:

I guess we have all been there. We have all taken shots that felt like someone just kicked us in the stomach; that felt like we took a bullet through the heart. I have certainly been there in the past myself. But now - this time in my life right now - is different. It seems I can’t get through a single week without taking not just one of these shots, but often several of them. And I wonder, “when will it end?”

This week, I took a shot that I don’t even think I have fully processed yet. I guess I know that if I sat still enough to let myself do this, it could very well be too much for me. On top of every other blow I have taken in recent months, this one might just knock me out. I don’t know if I could ever catch my breath again. How do you go on when the very thing you have desired in your heart since as long as you can remember may not be a possibility for you? How do you even find the will to go on? And the kicker question – how do you trust a God who would let this happen?

I want to trust that he can overcome even what seem to be overwhelming odds. And if this is not his plan for me, I want to trust that he has something better. I want to. But it feels like my whole life these days is about trusting the unseen despite overwhelming odds. I am tired. I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up. It is a crazy cycle. I want to get off. I want it to end. But instead, more ammunition is added, and the cycle spins faster.

So today I willfully choose to trust. And I will do that tomorrow. And by the grace of God, I will find the strength to do it the following day. And the day after that. And as long as I have to. Father, come and hold me through this…

I re-read this entry this week. My circumstances remain, and I am still tired - but not as much. I still have no idea what is going on – but I am letting go somehow. I still am facing the possibility of dashed hopes and dreams. But I am still here. I am still trusting. I am held. And somehow, I am more peaceful.

What an amazing God. I pray he never stops amazing me. But, then again, I guess he never could.

My Dreamcatcher

One of the areas I worked in earlier in my training to be a child psychologist was childhood fears and anxiety. I was reading a friend's blog about his fears the other day, and something I learned about in my training came to mind as I reflected on fears in general. It is called a Dreamcatcher.

Dreamcatchers themselves did not originate in the field of psychology. They are actually Native American in origin. They were originally hung above a baby’s cradle with the belief that bad dreams and thoughts would be caught in the spiderlike web of the Dreamcatcher and dissolve like dew in the morning. In contrast, good dreams and thoughts would pass through the opening in the center and go to the person who slept under the Dreamcatcher.

What gives a fear power is not the feared situation itself, but rather the belief or expectation around the fear. This is then compounded by our avoidance of the feared situation or object – the more we avoid, the more our fear is reinforced. So the psychological treatment of most fears is typically two-fold: first, addressing the person’s thoughts and beliefs about the feared situation to examine where they may be misleading; second, doing some form of exposure to the feared situation. That is, a person must enter the feared situation in order for it to lose its power.

From a psychological perspective at least, the way a Dreamcatcher works is by addressing the first area – our beliefs. If we believe that our bad dreams are going to be caught in the Dreamcatcher, our nightmares will diminish. With children, I have seen it work over and over again when introduced correctly.

So, this made me think about how I actually have a Dreamcatcher of sorts in life. God has offered to catch the fears that block me from my dreams so that I can be all that I am meant to be. 1 Peter 5: 6-7 says:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

God has offered to carry all our fears, worries, and anxious thoughts, taking them captive and leaving only those things that empower and encourage us in the path he has chosen for us. But our job is to cast them onto him. We have to be willing to let them go - to actually hurl or cast them away. For some things in life, I find that this casting has to be done daily. For other things, it has to happen many times daily (which is exhausting on the days I even come close to doing it). For still others, it is easier (thank God!!). But for all things, the casting eventually becomes easier and lasts longer as I continue to do it. There are some things that are no longer even fears anymore, because he has taken them so completely in response to the casting.

My life, as it turns out, is teaching me one very important lesson (among others). God is our fearcatcher, and he leaves us with only our wildest dreams to pursue.

Speaking To My Soul

I find it amazing when I come across the writings of an author who seems to be writing straight out of my soul. It's like I experience true connection. I feel understood.

As part of a group of incredible women that I meet with and am privileged to be getting to know, I am re-reading a book entitled Captivating. I highly recommend this book as an important read for women. I recommend it to men who desire to better understand and cherish women and the way they reflect a very part of God himself. It is a book that has brought me to a greater understanding, appreciation, and acceptance of who I am. And in this book, the authors reference a quote from the writings of Anais Nin. I read, and I wanted more. Here are some of her insights that really speak to me:

The time came when the risk it took
To remain tight in a bud was more painful
Than the risk it took to blossom

...to withhold from living is to die and that the more you give of yourself to life the more life nourishes you

The monster I kill every day is the monster of realism. The monster who attacks me every day is destruction. Out of the duel comes the transformation. I turn destruction into creation over and over again

For you and for me the highest moment, the keenest joy, is not when our minds dominate but when we lose our minds...

Great stuff. I can't wait to discover more. ..