The Root Of It All

The little girl sat on the stiff couch, waiting by the window for the means of escape that would soon arrive. She stared through the clear glass into the sunny, summer day outside, and, even at her young age, the contrast of that beauty with the horror of what was unfolding inside did not escape her.

“Please, God, let them get here, but don’t let them see,” she thought. “Don’t let them notice.” But her rescuers did not arrive, and she was instead forced to watch, to hear a scene that would haunt her in ways she wouldn’t understand until many years later.

The sight in front of her remained disturbingly clear despite the tears that flowed from her innocent eyes. She didn’t want to look, but somehow she couldn’t stop. And she didn’t want to listen, but she couldn’t tune it out. Her sobs came freely, but they weren’t noticed through the anger and the yelling. And somehow the yelling was strangely welcome because of the fear that it could otherwise turn into something much, much worse.

And that’s when he said it, and the words stung like none she had ever heard before. “Did he really just say that? Is it true? Was I really a mistake? Something they never wanted? Do they even want me now? Maybe they can’t even stand the sight of me. Maybe that’s why they don’t notice me sitting here, listening, watching.” And the tears came even faster, shaking her whole body which now ached with hurt all over - except for her heart. Her heart just seemed to go dead.

Her ride finally arrived, but the damage was done. She dried her eyes, wiped off her face, and walked out into that bright sunlight that now seemed like her enemy. As she approached the beat up Mercedes and saw her friend inside, she smiled the smile that has been used to veil the hurt ever since. And they didn’t notice. Noone did.

That memory came barreling back into my mind and heart recently, and for a moment I was that little girl again. The truth is, in some ways I never stopped being that little girl. And with the memory came the tears, seemingly identical to the ones cried on that horrible, horrible day.

This time, though, the tears of sorrow and pain were mixed with tears of joy, because it was a memory brought forth by the God who knew I was ready to face it and all the hurt it had ushered in. He knew I was ready to face it because I was ready to reject the heaviness, rejection, jealousy, and tendency toward competition that it had planted in my life, affecting not only myself but also the people and things most dear to me.

The enemy is all too aware of my weakness, having been behind the whole thing in the first place. He wants me to experience rejection easily so that I feel cut-off from the love of others. He wants me to feel chronically unloved and unappreciated. He wants me to believe the lie that I have to be perfect to be loved, that I somehow have to earn it. He wants me to believe that the mistake was not only my parents’ but also God’s. He wants to separate me from any idea that my life is purposeful, that I have a unique place in God’s plan.

But it does not end there, because God is the author and protector of truth. And at the time He knew was no less than perfect, He spoke to me words of love like I have never heard, and the experience moved me like no words could ever express. He has confirmed my purpose and his love for me, telling me He is enveloping me in His arms from behind and that He ordained the following to be written with me in mind:

O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

I do have purpose, and it is a purpose assigned by my ultimate Creator before my very conception. It is a purpose that He is bringing to light, and I find myself standing in amazement that this is what He had in mind from the very beginning. I am in awe of the privilege and the responsibility, but I am so thankful that He is the author of it all. I am so thankful that He gives me insight into what is inside of me that needs to be healed and set free in order for His work to be accomplished through my life according to His plan. So I allow Him to heal, even as it means letting go long held beliefs and perhaps even long held desires. The roots of evil were planted, but God has pulled them out and is planting a new garden in my life – the fruits of which I can’t wait to fully experience.

Trusting in the Holy But

I see it in people’s eyes, and I hear it in their voices. I recognize it because I, too, think it in my own mind. Logic stares me in the face, and, no matter how hard I try, I can’t make myself believe that it is to be accepted. I can’t help but want to defy it. I wait on a hope deferred, trying to keep my heart from growing sick. And I am scared, because it makes no sense. And I worry, because what if I am wrong and just plain delusional? And just when I am about to give up – to accept less than what I believe I have been told to expect - I once again hear God speak to me what He has previously spoken, each time in new and different ways. He somehow speaks specifically to the doubts and questions that are arising in the moment.

Each time, he tells me that He is in control. He has issued me a promise, and He will not disappoint. He is what I just the other night heard described as my “Holy But.” It makes no sense, BUT God is a God of irrational things. He is a God of miracles. He is a God that can make the unbelievable believable. He is beyond all I can hope for or imagine. He is beyond my view of reality and reason, and he is beyond that of others as well.

It is He who reminds me:

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; BUT [emphasis mine] those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40: 28-31 (New International Version)

I am so very tired and so very weary. BUT my God never becomes so, even though he walks the same path with me. I have limitations, BUT my God created the ends of the earth – and the possibilities of what he created are limitless. I have a finite understanding of my circumstances and those of others, BUT my God has understanding that knows no boundaries – there is nothing that is not possible through Him. I grow weak under the strain of my circumstances, BUT he renews my strength. Through him I can soar like I had wings to fly. I need only to let go of what anchors me to the ground and allow it to happen.

What could be better than this? How could what he has in store for me not be worth waiting for? And even better - He walks with me and sustains me and even makes a way for me to actually soar – soar! - as I journey toward the full experience of that which he has to give me. He is perhaps taking detours I didn’t expect, but the experience of the journey is itself a blessing.

Too often, I miss all the scenery on a road trip because I am so anxious to get to the final destination. If I had done this on my recent road trip to Yellowstone I would have missed so much. I would have missed the deer and the antelope playing (literally). I would have missed amazing sunrises and unbelievable sunsets. I would have missed stars as far as the eye can see across an expanse of sky as clear as I have ever experienced. I would have missed meeting interesting people and managing to wrangle a cameo picture in two small town newsletters. What a waste that would have been.

Too often, I have neglected to pay attention to the blessings in store along the way in my journey with God as well. No more. I am now going to try my damndest to pay attention to the scenery on my travels, not just to the end point alone. The beauty, I am finding, is in the detours.

Lord, continue to open my eyes and my heart to what you are showing me now, as we walk together to the fulfillment of your promises to me, and as we continue to walk to our final destination together. You are truly worth waiting on. Thank you for the experience.

The Bloggers Are Getting Restless...

Ok, Ok…I admit that it has been shamefully long since I have posted. In my defense, I have been a bit preoccupied over the last few weeks, and that was followed by some much needed time out of town experiencing nature. Let me tell you, there is a reason we call God “Creator”– the most creative people I know have nothing on Him. There will probably be more on this experience once I have reflected a bit more, but for now I will merely step up to a challenge, as I have been “tagged” by agirloutthere.

10 things that make me happy (in no particular order) are:

1. Springtime
2. Laughing and sharing a laugh with others
3. My cats cuddling up to me and purring when I cry (no cat lady jokes, please)
4. Feeling truly loved – moments where it just permeates through me and I can’t deny it
5. Wearing open-toed shoes
6. The smell of rain on a hot day
7. Those moments when I know I am walking out what God created me to do
8. Conquering a fear
9. The feeling of a small child’s hand in mine
10. Slimming outfits

To all who know me as Helmet, don’t fret. Wearing helmets (or seeing others wear helmets) just missed the list at #11!

Stay tuned for reflections on my recent road trip to Idaho (yes, Idaho) and, as a bonus - suggested by none other than agirloutthere again - a list of ways I have almost died. How’s that for a cliffhanger?