Not Feelin' the Love

It has been over 10 years since I have lived in my hometown of Lowville, NY. I haven’t lived near family since that time. Both of my parents live there, and now so does my older brother and his family (including his wife and two children, ages 8 and 5). And my older sister lives in Boston with her family (including her husband and two children, ages 5 and 18 months), but they were visiting over the Christmas holiday too, so we were all together.

While my niece and nephews know their Aunt Marsha, they don’t know me overly well. I see them one to two times per year most typically, and I talk to them intermittently in between. I write all of this as background to a funny story…

So I am eating dinner with my father and my brother’s family tonight. The kids are done and have gone in to finish watching the Peter Pan video that Santa brought one of them for Christmas. Out of the blue, my 8 year old nephew, Stefan, leaves the video while it is playing (you have to understand that this NEVER happens) and comes into the dining room again. He looks at me and asks, “Aunt Marsha, are you married?” I laughed and said something to indicate that I am not and didn’t he think he would have met my husband if I were? He laughed, too. I said I would make sure he is one of the first to meet my husband after I find him. He laughed again and said, “I betcha he’ll be really goofy, just like you.” I think he was setting me up for that all along. That kid is smart.

Later, I walked into one again. He looks at me and says, “You look like a teenager.” As a 32 year old woman who is beginning to feel my age set in, I was pretty flattered. But it didn’t last long. As we were playing Power Rangers pinball (and I was beating his high score after he made some snide comment about how he would take it easy on me because of the fact that I am a girl) he then said with a devilish smile, “It’s probably hard to see those pinball lights with your old lady eyes.”

I can’t wait to have some sweet little ones just like these!

Ponderings Through a Partial Foil

It’s rare that I find something in one of those women’s magazines that I think is worth quoting for anything more than entertainment value. You know - the ones you read when you are sitting at a beauty salon with foil all over your head waiting to get your next new look. Ah…highlights and a haircut…there is nothing like it to at least temporarily make you feel better about whatever crap is going on in your life. But I digress…

Yesterday, as I repeatedly pushed this one annoying piece of foil out of my line of sight, I found some pretty interesting stuff in one of these magazines. Of course I, being the astoundingly unobservant person I am when it comes to this stuff, can’t remember the name of the magazine. But I do remember some of what I read.

There was an article about getting your figure back after having a baby, and it was pretty interesting. Now, I don’t need that information at the moment, but I filed it away for potential future use.

Then I went to something really, really light – something about 55 ways to keep your love alive in long term relationships. Now, I usually completely ignore any article entitled “XX Ways To…” This policy has served me well most of my life, so I generally stick to it. But this time I had time to kill, and I had read and looked at everything else of interest, so I went there. The list was pretty tongue in cheek - some serious stuff and then some humorous stuff submitted by comedians or whatever.

For men, the one I liked was from the man who has the longest recorded marriage in history. What was his advice? To never underestimate the power of the words, “Yes, dear.” Sounds like a very, very wise man.

For women, there was one particularly funny one about not reserving blow jobs (hey, I am just the messenger here) for just birthdays and anniversaries. No big surprise there, but worth filing away for potential future use just the same :)

Most of all, though, I really liked some of the serious ones. As a single woman over 30, my thoughts about dating are less about just getting to know who I am and who others are in relationships and more about who I might like to be with long term. As everyone is aware, there is advice for this stuff everywhere you turn. I usually ignore it and just listen to my heart and the whispers of God into my heart. However, I did think the following two comments were truly words of wisdom and really not all that different from what God has been speaking to me on my journey.

Don’t pick the person you think you can live with; pick the individual you think you can’t live without. –Dr. James Dobson

Whatever you think about Dr. Dobson, this seems to be good advice. We get so caught up on the little things about the people we are interested in romatically. It can drive you crazy going back and forth on this stuff. “Can I see my life without this person?” seems much more important. It’s obviously not the whole story, but it’s a great starting place.

First, choose the one you love; then, love the one you choose.

I don’t remember who said this other than the fact that it was submitted by one of the magazine’s readers. I think it could not be any more true. Hold out for someone you are truly in love with; however, there will also be many times when you will each have to choose to keep that love alive. Choosing someone means committing to choose to love them. Not always easy, but a beautiful picture of the kind of love that Jesus talks about.

So, there you have it. Actual words of wisdom found in the pages of Cosmo or Elle or whatever it was - definitely an unexpected find. Of course, maybe none of this is at all interesting, and it was just the metallic foil interfering with my brain waves. You're done reading. You decide.

I Lift My Eyes Up

This has been a very hard couple of days. The enemy has found some wormholes, and the attack has been launched. Already injured hope now reels further. This enemy is relentless. His whispered lies are becoming more audible. I need the truth of God to drown them out.

I know what the master plan is here. I know that the enemy wants me to blame God for my circumstances. To lose hope. To turn to old patterns rather than to turn to Him for comfort and healing. Despite how hard it is, I am not hip to that plan.

So I just really tried to press into God last night and this morning before going to work. My prayer has been that I would feel Him close right now. I need to experience Him clearly. Something small. Something big. I will take anything. And through it, I will praise Him just for who He is. Pressing forward through pain is difficult but also truly amazing when God is with you on that journey.

And I have seen glimpses of Him today, even at work. A 5 year old boy at work really reflected the face of God today…so amazing.

I want to thank all of you who are praying for me. The battle has intensified, and I would like to ask for continued prayers. I know where my hope comes from, and I pray that it becomes strong once again despite my circumstances.

Blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank.
-Jeremiah 17:7-8

The Shopgirl's Choice

They say good things come in three's. Reading Courtney and Candyce's commentary on the recent GNO (aka Girls' Night Out) outing to see Shopgirl, a movie based on the novella by Steve Martin, has inspired me to post something I wrote while reflecting on the movie and life this weekend. So this one goes out to my fellow GNOers...boop boop.

I’m not a (shop) girl
I’m a woman

I know who I am
And I know my heart
The desires it hides
The feelings it holds

Something real
Something beautiful
Sometimes painful
Always patient

I gaze at a life that awakened me
Only glancing to other possibilities
Settling for the hope of love
But longing for love’s assurance

I face hurt now or hurt later
A choice that is hardly a choice
Yet it confronts my soul
It is mine to make

It was a beautiful dream
But it was only a dream
Reality sings a different melody
And I will soon have to listen

Is it time for the dream to die?
Strength may mean staying here
Or strength may mean moving on
To the hope of a new dream ahead

Tagged Again

I have been tagged again - this time by my sweet friend Candyce. At least it gives me something to blog to get the week started. So, live from my office where procrastination is running rampant...

7 things to do before I die:

1. Marry the man God has designated for me; cherish and nuture that marriage.
2. Raise a child or children with a love that demonstrates the love of Christ
3. Vacation - African safari
4. Vacation – Australia
   (note #s 3 and 4 preferably after #1 - wouldn't that be fun!)
5. Paragliding off a mountain range
6. Publish something nonscientific that I have written
7. Find new ways to bring God’s light into darkness
   

7 things I cannot do:

1. Surf
2. Touch my tongue to my nose
3. Ski
4. Make the Hydroseal call
5. Keep myself from laughing
6. Vomit (last time was when I was 19 – perhaps TMI)
7. Avoid drama

7 things that attract me to a guy:

1. Passion and dedication in the adventure of following Jesus, and a desire for me to share in that adventure with him (from the works of John and Stasi Eldredge, but definitely from my heart)
2. Strength of character and an appreciation for my...uh... strength of character :)
3. Sense of humor and an appreciation for my somewhat strange sense of humor :)
4. Intelligence (ain't necessarily lotsa schoolin')
5. Soccer/tennis body and general athleticism (oh come on, you know you have your physique ideals, too)
6. A willingness to pursue me (I am not going to make him jump through hoops or anything. I just need to be sure of his intentions.)
7. That feeling I get when he looks into my eyes (**long sigh**).
   
   

7 books/series I love (how to pick just 7?!!!):

1. Blue Like Jazz/Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller
2. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
3. Captivating/Wild At Heart by John/Stasi Eldredge
4. Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot
5. Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling
6. Naked by David Sedaris
7. Lord of the Flies by William Golding
   (The Bible stands on a list of it’s own…)
   
   

7 movies I would watch over and over again:

1. The Princess Bride
2. Sense and Sensibility/Jane Austen films in general
3. Four Weddings and a Funeral
4. Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind
5. When Harry Met Sally
6. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
7. Shopgirl (I think this might be on the list, but too soon to say for sure)

Awkward Is...

Awkward is walking into the cafeteria of your local children's hospital and being accosted by somewhat out-of-shape belly dancers. I believe I also heard the clanging of finger cymbals before my eyes and ears shut down in a state of shock. It's bad enough for those of us who work here, but I feel awful for the parents and children. Looks like there will be a surge in psychology referrals for recurrent nightmares this month...

The Costs of Joy

Watching a favorite comedy (The Princess Bride) on Thanksgiving Day………….free

A haircut with highlights to signify a new beginning…………………………….....$65

Gas to drive to Yellowstone to experience beauty ………...............one gazillion dollars

Randomly finding a large, bright-yellow flotation device in your backyard ……….????

The love of God and of friends who support me in difficult times.…………PRICELESS

On this Thanksgiving Day, I offer all praise and thanks to God who amazes me in how he provides me comfort despite the blows of life that would otherwise take me out for the count. Lord, I love and trust you even when I can’t remotely understand your ways.

I thank all of you who have been and are there for me. The love, tears, and laughter I share with you mean more to me than I could ever express. If you don’t know who you are, then shame on me for not letting you know the way I should. I love you.

Oh, here come the ROUSes…gotta go. Happy Thanksgiving!

I Am Woodstock

I took this quiz linked on a friend's blog and thought it was kinda funny. Above is what I found out about myself. Interesting, especially since I used to sleep with a stuffed animal version of Woodstock growing up. If you don't agree that I possess these amazing qualities, you may feel free to remain silent :)

Hope

This weekend was about retreating into time of relaxation. Myself and some other leaders from our church plant went to National Bridge State Park in Kentucky to spend time fellowshipping with one another and God, to get quiet away from the busyness of our everyday lives, to connect with the beauty of nature, and to just have fun. Well, goals met. It was amazing. Just a great time to unplug in order to recharge.

During our last day there, one of my friends saw a deer outside the window of the cabin in which we were staying. He was really delighted, as were others. I found myself not moving to see it, thinking about how I have a family of deer who I see enter my backyard from the woods behind my house about once a month or so, so what is the big deal about seeing one out here? So I ignored it. Boy, do I regret that now.

Later as I was driving back home from the trip and away from our retreat area, I found my heart sinking into sadness. I live alone, and I knew full well that going from a time of such great community and fellowship with people I love to an empty house would be a very difficult transition for me. I was ready for it, yet it still hit. I slept for like three hours when I got home even though I rarely take naps. I finally forced myself to get up and call some friends to go out, as staying there any longer could only lead to slipping further into that pit, and that would be far from healthy.

As I was driving to Baba’s where we were meeting for coffee before catching Capote at the Esquire, I saw a horrible sight. I saw a deer on the side of the road, freshly wounded by a passing car. As I drove by, my headlights illuminated the deer’s face, and I saw a look of suffering that I can’t erase from my mind. And I felt it right away – this was one of my deer. One of the deer that visits my backyard. One of the deer I was counting on for beauty in this city far away from the cabin oasis we had visited. One that I was counting on being here so much that I took the sight of another beautiful creature for granted.

Somehow this became about more than a deer for me. It was about dashed hopes and opportunities. That deer on the side of the road represented the opportunities that I hope for being ripped away before I have a chance to give my all to cherish and enjoy them. It represented the previous opportunities I have squandered away thinking that the next would still be waiting for me around the corner. But there was that next opportunity suffering at the edge of death on the side of a parkway. Hope deferred. Hope destroyed.

I did my best to gather myself and enjoy my time with some great friends. It turned out to be a good time. We later said our goodbyes through some laughter, and I headed home.

Pulling into my driveway, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I know that sounds dramatic, but it is true. Because there in my backyard standing frozen in my headlights was a doe. One doe. Maybe she was alone and that was her companion I had seen earlier. Or maybe she wasn’t, and I just couldn’t see the others from where I was. Maybe it was the same doe as has visited me in the past, or maybe it was a completely different one. It didn’t really matter. Because regardless, standing right in front of me was another opportunity. Another chance to experience beauty, to cherish something I thought was gone forever. Hope renewed. And I needed that. I really did.

Waiting for the Crash

Ok, so I am incredibly sleep deprived. I am working on an extra project at work that is requiring long hours and lots of mental energy. So, even when I finally make time to go to sleep, my mind is not turning off in fear that I won't get my incredibly intelligent thoughts back when I wake. The result - sleep deprivation.

And I am so paradoxical. I generally don't drink caffeine and haven't for at least 5 or 6 years (it's a migraine headache issue). I am running on raw Marsha energy right now. You would think I would be lethargic. Nope, not me. I am manic. My fingers are like lightning as they move across these keys. People are interacting with me and asking why I am talking so fast. They are a little freaked out by my wide-eyed stare. They seem a little puzzled about why I have this low-level tremor. I don't know why, but they seem to be a little nervous that I happen to see things in the room that they don't see (no, not really...but the other examples are true). All of this without caffeine or a drug habit. Cool. But I am a little scared about what is going to happen when the crash finally hits. You may want to keep your distance...

Still Trusting

On September 4th, I wrote the following in my journal:

I guess we have all been there. We have all taken shots that felt like someone just kicked us in the stomach; that felt like we took a bullet through the heart. I have certainly been there in the past myself. But now - this time in my life right now - is different. It seems I can’t get through a single week without taking not just one of these shots, but often several of them. And I wonder, “when will it end?”

This week, I took a shot that I don’t even think I have fully processed yet. I guess I know that if I sat still enough to let myself do this, it could very well be too much for me. On top of every other blow I have taken in recent months, this one might just knock me out. I don’t know if I could ever catch my breath again. How do you go on when the very thing you have desired in your heart since as long as you can remember may not be a possibility for you? How do you even find the will to go on? And the kicker question – how do you trust a God who would let this happen?

I want to trust that he can overcome even what seem to be overwhelming odds. And if this is not his plan for me, I want to trust that he has something better. I want to. But it feels like my whole life these days is about trusting the unseen despite overwhelming odds. I am tired. I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up. It is a crazy cycle. I want to get off. I want it to end. But instead, more ammunition is added, and the cycle spins faster.

So today I willfully choose to trust. And I will do that tomorrow. And by the grace of God, I will find the strength to do it the following day. And the day after that. And as long as I have to. Father, come and hold me through this…

I re-read this entry this week. My circumstances remain, and I am still tired - but not as much. I still have no idea what is going on – but I am letting go somehow. I still am facing the possibility of dashed hopes and dreams. But I am still here. I am still trusting. I am held. And somehow, I am more peaceful.

What an amazing God. I pray he never stops amazing me. But, then again, I guess he never could.

My Dreamcatcher

One of the areas I worked in earlier in my training to be a child psychologist was childhood fears and anxiety. I was reading a friend's blog about his fears the other day, and something I learned about in my training came to mind as I reflected on fears in general. It is called a Dreamcatcher.

Dreamcatchers themselves did not originate in the field of psychology. They are actually Native American in origin. They were originally hung above a baby’s cradle with the belief that bad dreams and thoughts would be caught in the spiderlike web of the Dreamcatcher and dissolve like dew in the morning. In contrast, good dreams and thoughts would pass through the opening in the center and go to the person who slept under the Dreamcatcher.

What gives a fear power is not the feared situation itself, but rather the belief or expectation around the fear. This is then compounded by our avoidance of the feared situation or object – the more we avoid, the more our fear is reinforced. So the psychological treatment of most fears is typically two-fold: first, addressing the person’s thoughts and beliefs about the feared situation to examine where they may be misleading; second, doing some form of exposure to the feared situation. That is, a person must enter the feared situation in order for it to lose its power.

From a psychological perspective at least, the way a Dreamcatcher works is by addressing the first area – our beliefs. If we believe that our bad dreams are going to be caught in the Dreamcatcher, our nightmares will diminish. With children, I have seen it work over and over again when introduced correctly.

So, this made me think about how I actually have a Dreamcatcher of sorts in life. God has offered to catch the fears that block me from my dreams so that I can be all that I am meant to be. 1 Peter 5: 6-7 says:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

God has offered to carry all our fears, worries, and anxious thoughts, taking them captive and leaving only those things that empower and encourage us in the path he has chosen for us. But our job is to cast them onto him. We have to be willing to let them go - to actually hurl or cast them away. For some things in life, I find that this casting has to be done daily. For other things, it has to happen many times daily (which is exhausting on the days I even come close to doing it). For still others, it is easier (thank God!!). But for all things, the casting eventually becomes easier and lasts longer as I continue to do it. There are some things that are no longer even fears anymore, because he has taken them so completely in response to the casting.

My life, as it turns out, is teaching me one very important lesson (among others). God is our fearcatcher, and he leaves us with only our wildest dreams to pursue.

Speaking To My Soul

I find it amazing when I come across the writings of an author who seems to be writing straight out of my soul. It's like I experience true connection. I feel understood.

As part of a group of incredible women that I meet with and am privileged to be getting to know, I am re-reading a book entitled Captivating. I highly recommend this book as an important read for women. I recommend it to men who desire to better understand and cherish women and the way they reflect a very part of God himself. It is a book that has brought me to a greater understanding, appreciation, and acceptance of who I am. And in this book, the authors reference a quote from the writings of Anais Nin. I read, and I wanted more. Here are some of her insights that really speak to me:

The time came when the risk it took
To remain tight in a bud was more painful
Than the risk it took to blossom

...to withhold from living is to die and that the more you give of yourself to life the more life nourishes you

The monster I kill every day is the monster of realism. The monster who attacks me every day is destruction. Out of the duel comes the transformation. I turn destruction into creation over and over again

For you and for me the highest moment, the keenest joy, is not when our minds dominate but when we lose our minds...

Great stuff. I can't wait to discover more. ..

The Root Of It All

The little girl sat on the stiff couch, waiting by the window for the means of escape that would soon arrive. She stared through the clear glass into the sunny, summer day outside, and, even at her young age, the contrast of that beauty with the horror of what was unfolding inside did not escape her.

“Please, God, let them get here, but don’t let them see,” she thought. “Don’t let them notice.” But her rescuers did not arrive, and she was instead forced to watch, to hear a scene that would haunt her in ways she wouldn’t understand until many years later.

The sight in front of her remained disturbingly clear despite the tears that flowed from her innocent eyes. She didn’t want to look, but somehow she couldn’t stop. And she didn’t want to listen, but she couldn’t tune it out. Her sobs came freely, but they weren’t noticed through the anger and the yelling. And somehow the yelling was strangely welcome because of the fear that it could otherwise turn into something much, much worse.

And that’s when he said it, and the words stung like none she had ever heard before. “Did he really just say that? Is it true? Was I really a mistake? Something they never wanted? Do they even want me now? Maybe they can’t even stand the sight of me. Maybe that’s why they don’t notice me sitting here, listening, watching.” And the tears came even faster, shaking her whole body which now ached with hurt all over - except for her heart. Her heart just seemed to go dead.

Her ride finally arrived, but the damage was done. She dried her eyes, wiped off her face, and walked out into that bright sunlight that now seemed like her enemy. As she approached the beat up Mercedes and saw her friend inside, she smiled the smile that has been used to veil the hurt ever since. And they didn’t notice. Noone did.

That memory came barreling back into my mind and heart recently, and for a moment I was that little girl again. The truth is, in some ways I never stopped being that little girl. And with the memory came the tears, seemingly identical to the ones cried on that horrible, horrible day.

This time, though, the tears of sorrow and pain were mixed with tears of joy, because it was a memory brought forth by the God who knew I was ready to face it and all the hurt it had ushered in. He knew I was ready to face it because I was ready to reject the heaviness, rejection, jealousy, and tendency toward competition that it had planted in my life, affecting not only myself but also the people and things most dear to me.

The enemy is all too aware of my weakness, having been behind the whole thing in the first place. He wants me to experience rejection easily so that I feel cut-off from the love of others. He wants me to feel chronically unloved and unappreciated. He wants me to believe the lie that I have to be perfect to be loved, that I somehow have to earn it. He wants me to believe that the mistake was not only my parents’ but also God’s. He wants to separate me from any idea that my life is purposeful, that I have a unique place in God’s plan.

But it does not end there, because God is the author and protector of truth. And at the time He knew was no less than perfect, He spoke to me words of love like I have never heard, and the experience moved me like no words could ever express. He has confirmed my purpose and his love for me, telling me He is enveloping me in His arms from behind and that He ordained the following to be written with me in mind:

O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

I do have purpose, and it is a purpose assigned by my ultimate Creator before my very conception. It is a purpose that He is bringing to light, and I find myself standing in amazement that this is what He had in mind from the very beginning. I am in awe of the privilege and the responsibility, but I am so thankful that He is the author of it all. I am so thankful that He gives me insight into what is inside of me that needs to be healed and set free in order for His work to be accomplished through my life according to His plan. So I allow Him to heal, even as it means letting go long held beliefs and perhaps even long held desires. The roots of evil were planted, but God has pulled them out and is planting a new garden in my life – the fruits of which I can’t wait to fully experience.

Trusting in the Holy But

I see it in people’s eyes, and I hear it in their voices. I recognize it because I, too, think it in my own mind. Logic stares me in the face, and, no matter how hard I try, I can’t make myself believe that it is to be accepted. I can’t help but want to defy it. I wait on a hope deferred, trying to keep my heart from growing sick. And I am scared, because it makes no sense. And I worry, because what if I am wrong and just plain delusional? And just when I am about to give up – to accept less than what I believe I have been told to expect - I once again hear God speak to me what He has previously spoken, each time in new and different ways. He somehow speaks specifically to the doubts and questions that are arising in the moment.

Each time, he tells me that He is in control. He has issued me a promise, and He will not disappoint. He is what I just the other night heard described as my “Holy But.” It makes no sense, BUT God is a God of irrational things. He is a God of miracles. He is a God that can make the unbelievable believable. He is beyond all I can hope for or imagine. He is beyond my view of reality and reason, and he is beyond that of others as well.

It is He who reminds me:

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; BUT [emphasis mine] those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40: 28-31 (New International Version)

I am so very tired and so very weary. BUT my God never becomes so, even though he walks the same path with me. I have limitations, BUT my God created the ends of the earth – and the possibilities of what he created are limitless. I have a finite understanding of my circumstances and those of others, BUT my God has understanding that knows no boundaries – there is nothing that is not possible through Him. I grow weak under the strain of my circumstances, BUT he renews my strength. Through him I can soar like I had wings to fly. I need only to let go of what anchors me to the ground and allow it to happen.

What could be better than this? How could what he has in store for me not be worth waiting for? And even better - He walks with me and sustains me and even makes a way for me to actually soar – soar! - as I journey toward the full experience of that which he has to give me. He is perhaps taking detours I didn’t expect, but the experience of the journey is itself a blessing.

Too often, I miss all the scenery on a road trip because I am so anxious to get to the final destination. If I had done this on my recent road trip to Yellowstone I would have missed so much. I would have missed the deer and the antelope playing (literally). I would have missed amazing sunrises and unbelievable sunsets. I would have missed stars as far as the eye can see across an expanse of sky as clear as I have ever experienced. I would have missed meeting interesting people and managing to wrangle a cameo picture in two small town newsletters. What a waste that would have been.

Too often, I have neglected to pay attention to the blessings in store along the way in my journey with God as well. No more. I am now going to try my damndest to pay attention to the scenery on my travels, not just to the end point alone. The beauty, I am finding, is in the detours.

Lord, continue to open my eyes and my heart to what you are showing me now, as we walk together to the fulfillment of your promises to me, and as we continue to walk to our final destination together. You are truly worth waiting on. Thank you for the experience.

The Bloggers Are Getting Restless...

Ok, Ok…I admit that it has been shamefully long since I have posted. In my defense, I have been a bit preoccupied over the last few weeks, and that was followed by some much needed time out of town experiencing nature. Let me tell you, there is a reason we call God “Creator”– the most creative people I know have nothing on Him. There will probably be more on this experience once I have reflected a bit more, but for now I will merely step up to a challenge, as I have been “tagged” by agirloutthere.

10 things that make me happy (in no particular order) are:

1. Springtime
2. Laughing and sharing a laugh with others
3. My cats cuddling up to me and purring when I cry (no cat lady jokes, please)
4. Feeling truly loved – moments where it just permeates through me and I can’t deny it
5. Wearing open-toed shoes
6. The smell of rain on a hot day
7. Those moments when I know I am walking out what God created me to do
8. Conquering a fear
9. The feeling of a small child’s hand in mine
10. Slimming outfits

To all who know me as Helmet, don’t fret. Wearing helmets (or seeing others wear helmets) just missed the list at #11!

Stay tuned for reflections on my recent road trip to Idaho (yes, Idaho) and, as a bonus - suggested by none other than agirloutthere again - a list of ways I have almost died. How’s that for a cliffhanger?

The Places I've Been

Alone is a road I know too well -an oft trodden path in my life. It is rocky and steep, and it leads to Nowhere.

Nowhere is the place I once made my home. In it resided no passion or purpose. I left only for brief but glorious vacations - vacations to wilderness places steeped in adventure. Once I traveled to a place called Love.

Love is a place like none I could have imagined. It is pure and innocent. It is unexpected and fun. But Love did not invite me to stay, and it sent me on to a place called Heartbreak.

Heartbreak is a place I wouldn’t have chosen. And there I suffered great pain. It is pain that still aches beneath the surface and sometimes stings like a new wound. But I noticed a sign in Heartbreak that led me to Growth.

Growth, I discovered, is an amazing place. It has its own share of pain, but it is pain that builds and does not tear down. Growth is a place that you can take with you wherever you go next. And Growth showed me the way to Beauty.

Beauty feels like I am home again. Not the shack I built in Nowhere, but a palace fit for a queen. It is a palace with room enough to welcome others to come and stay. And Beauty can’t be found along Alone. The only road to Beauty is God.

And God is a road that leads to so many other amazing places. It is there that I discovered Peace. It is there that I discovered Freedom. It is there that I discovered Trust. And it there that I over and over again discover Me.

My Battle Cry

Once I was on the sidelines
Now I am fighting the war
But no victory comes my way
And the wounds are piling up

When will enough be enough?
It is becoming almost too much to bear
I find myself wishing for a fatal blow to stop the pain
And I am scared

I feel so alone in my army
My enemy attacks from all sides
Just when I regroup, a new attack is launched

Lord, I sit almost defeated, wanting to give up
The flame of hope is burning low
I am so tired of this
And anger burns red beneath the surface

But as I lay wounded, I find the strength to cry out
Lord, be my deliverer
I rebuke this enemy who attacks my worth, my beauty, my hopes

To him I say,
Though you come for me directly, through my brokenness and my pain
Though you come for me through the brokenness of others, launching arrow after arrow
Though you come for me as a wolf in sheep’s clothing
You cannot trick me
You cannot have me

Though you have injured me and have caused me great suffering, my spirit is not broken
You will not distract me from my calling
You cannot have me
You cannot have me

I am my Father’s daughter, and I will believe in what He says to me
Lies cannot take root
Truth will prevail

I pull myself up with strength from my God
The battle continues
And my battle cry is heard again another day

I Disappeared

A strange memory came to me out of the blue last night. I remembered that, when I was in grade school, I used to always be chosen for the lead part in musicals and concerts. It was pretty much a given. I even remember that my music teacher used to hand sew costumes for me on her own time because my own mother’s sewing skills pretty much ended at reattaching buttons. I have a particularly vivid memory of a clown costume. But, I also remembered something else. I remembered that somewhere along the line, all of this stopped happening. Now, I didn’t suddenly become tone deaf or a crappy singer. What happened was I disappeared. I let fear take over. I went into hiding, because I was scared to let people see me fail. And because of this, my music wasn’t beautiful anymore. It was distorted. People didn’t enjoy it as much, and they stopped being drawn to it.

You may or may not have noticed that I haven’t blogged in over a week. Some of this has been busyness, I admit. But more than anything, this is really because my thoughts and emotions are coming too fast for me to even get a handle on. God is more real to me right now than ever before. Words just can’t describe the process he is taking me through. I can’t believe the intimacy that he is creating.

Through all of this, one theme is prevalent. He is bringing me out of hiding. The hiding that happened when I was a child wasn’t just about school plays and concerts. It was about my heart. It was about deciding at a young age that, to avoid pain, I needed to play a part. That part was of a young girl and later a woman who was in control, who was successful, who had it together. A woman who had to strive for perfection. I learned that, to avoid pain, I needed to hide the heart of who I am. The tragedy is that, in the hiding, very little has touched my heart and very little has come out of it. It has been a lonely existence.

I have known for sometime now that this is so much less than what God has for me. And I have been praying about this for many years. And the process that is happening now is bringing together all the ways he has been answering. I am seeing it so clearly, especially in the events of the past year. It has been a process fraught with pain. I think I really understand the term “growing pains” in a real way for the first time. But despite the pain – no, actually I think because of the pain and the tears that fall so freely now - I find myself knowing without any doubt that this is the single most important time in my life. I feel something changing in me. I am seeing my own heart for the first time, and now I can let others see it, too. It is scary and it has and will cause pain at times, but it is right. And I so love the God who has met me here and comforts me through it all.

It’s funny. As all of this is has been happening, I have noticed something else as well. Lately, several people have come up to me after over-hearing me sing, and they have told me how much they enjoyed it - that it was beautiful. Beautiful. And once again, I see how totally God can heal. I disappeared for a while, but now I am coming back.

Being Random

I have some serious stuff rattling around up in this head of mine, and I am getting it down in writing when I can. I'm sure I will share some as soon as I find time to pull it together. But for now, the small portion of my brain not processing the serious stuff is still available to generate random thoughts and to create random thoughts from everyday experiences. I love being random, so here I go...

I like words. I am pretty good at using them. And I get really excited when I have the opportunity to use certain words in everyday conversation. One of my favorites is "moot." When that comes up, it is a banner day. Today I found a new one..."heist." I actually had a reason to use the word "heist" today. Someone else actually noticed the mad skills it took to find that opportunity, and we shared a side glance. And it made me happy. It is the little things in life that make me smile :-)

Hyper Hypo

Look closely - is it Mike Myers playing Philip, the hyper hypochondriac, or me? Hmm, tough to tell, huh?

Helmet

Oh Helmet, My Helmet
I revel in the sound
For you protect my cranium
Keep it intact and round

I know you are borrowed
And “Goodbye” I must say
What thrashing and crying
Will occur on that day

But I know in my being
My soul and my heart
That even though you will leave me
Even though we must part

Your legacy will live on
Just like the day you came
And you will be memorialized forever
As my new nickname
-For two very special lady HydroSeals

Yes, if you haven’t heard, it is true. I have a new nickname (it’s Helmet in case that’s not obvious by now). Well, really only a few people are using it, but I hope it takes off because it’s a little freaky how excited I am about this. I mean, I am writing ridiculously bad poetry (you didn’t think that was a serious piece of art, did you?) – not many things inspire me to do that. But, I have never had a real nickname before, so I can’t contain my excitement. I am also a little relieved, because it seems as though a lot of people have been calling me variations on the name “Ass” lately (e.g., jack-, dumb-, other less clean versions…). Hopefully, Helmet will overtake that somewhat disturbing trend.

Part of the reason I really like this name (Helmet, that is – not Ass) is because it was given to me by two new friends (go Seals!) who are very different than me in many ways yet the same in so many, too. And in just hanging out, having fun, and being open to the experience, we get the opportunity to learn more and more about one another. It amazes me that I just met these ladies recently, but the nickname actually fits really well for reasons that they have no clue about yet (those of you who know me know how well the name Helmet fits me). And this whole experience came about by just putting myself out there and being myself – my silly and very often embarrassing self. The result is the opportunity to get to know two wonderful women. And if this was all that happened out of the experience, it would be more than enough. And since to me laughter is an end in itself, just that would be enough, too.

But leave it to this awesome God that I talk about all the time to bring something else out of this experience for me…

The whole experience has made me think about how God sees me. I think he has a million little nicknames for me based upon his intimate knowledge of me. I don’t know what they all are yet, but I am learning more as I put myself out there enough to discover them. The experience of learning them is precious…I am his Beloved. I am his Workmanship. I am his Bride. I am Captivating. I am Loved.

But I am also Helmet. I think that may just be God’s favorite name for me right now. I think this because it represents my silly and carefree side. And because it represents a growing confidence that comes through him. And because he so loves the women who brought it out in me in the first place. So, right now, I think God is calling me Helmet. And I think that is very cool.

Hey God, it’s me, Helmet…

I Agreed

-As I read "She devoured my tenderness, my sweetness, my gift..." at http://agirloutthere.blogspot.com, I was so struck by how what my friend writes about a recent discovery regarding a specific word curse in her life fits with something I wrote in my own journal earlier this week. So, I decided to post my journal entry. I post because I think that maybe God is doing something collective amongst his beautiful daughters, and maybe it is even bigger than that. I post, I guess, because I want to give God props for creating the true her, the true me, and the true you -

Someone told me that I was not beautiful or worthy of love
And, sadly, I agreed
Someone told me that I needed to stay hardened and protected
And, sadly, I agreed
Someone told me that it’s better this way, because it’s safe
And, sadly, I agreed
I agreed, and I remained unchanged.
I remained less than I was meant to be.

But then I wondered what would happen if I disagreed. What would happen if I refused to accept this as all there is for me? What if I rejected the thoughts but also refused through my actions? What would happen if, even though it didn’t feel like me at first, I chose different paths than the ones I know well? What would happen if I walked in beauty and freedom by making difficult decisions? What would happen if I chose to not be the “me” I have known – the one shaped and distorted by this world full of broken people like myself - in order to find the me that God created?

It has always been the case and will always be the case that I am God’s creation and that he loves and accepts me no matter what. Through this, I have learned to love myself. But I also know that he has more for me, and he longs with great longing to give it to me. I know that God’s ways are not my ways. By clutching my ways with white knuckles, I have no way of grabbing onto what God has for me.

So, I have now taken specific steps to break the power of these "word curses" over my life. I have committed it to prayer in order to allow God to cleanse me from the way these words have bound me. And now, I have decided to daily make the difficult choices to reject the old distortions and related actions in order to discover something new about who I am.

At first, I was overwhelmed by thinking about the everyday courage, self-control, and vulnerability that it would take to carry this out. But now I know that these things do not have to come from me – these are not traits I have to possess. I only need to possess the willingness to give it over to God, allowing him to fill me with what I need for the process that follows. When I do this instead of trying to do it myself, the me that God created – the full me with all of my own personality intact but refined to his glory - shines through. I am beginning to see it. And I realize that I am beautiful, I am worthy of love, and I don’t need to stay hardened to stay safe. Imagine that.

Captivity

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
-2 Corinthians 10:5

Does anyone else find this difficult? I don’t know about you, but I have lots of thoughts. Endless thoughts. Millions of different ones, and so many that replay themselves over and over. I am having trouble catching them all. I am not even coming close, even though I am painfully aware that so many of these need to be taken captive because they are not consistent with God’s truth. In fact, they often distract me from God’s truth. They are aimed at pulling me away from a faith and hope that leads to complete trust. And I know he is worthy of complete trust. He is good. He does all things well. But how do I get rid of all these distracting thoughts?

Well, I think I am finally beginning to accept the message that I don’t. I can probably handle some of them, but the overall task is too big. My pastor and friend gave me a book called Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning. In it, Manning writes:

Understandably, then, we hide our true selves from God in prayer. We simply do not trust that he can handle all that goes on in our minds and hearts. Can he accept our hateful thoughts, our cruel fantasies, and our bizarre dreams? we wonder. Can he cope with our primitive images, our inflated illusions, and our exotic mental castles? [I would add, “Can he handle all my ruminations and worries? Can he handle my warped mind? Can he handle my future?”] We conclude that he cannot and thus withhold from Jesus what is most in need of his healing touch.

In order to grow in trust, we must allow God to see us and love us precisely as we are. The best way to do this is through prayer. As we pray, the unrestricted love of God gradually transforms us. We open ourselves to receive our own truth in the light of God’s truth. The Spirit opens our eyes to see what really is, to pierce through illusions so that we can discover we are seen by God with a gaze of love.

Hmmm… So I pray, and I get changed? It seems like there should be so much more involved in tackling such a big task, but he is showing me that his power in my life is released in greater measure through prayer. As I pray, I get changed – the thoughts lessen, but he also equips me to take them captive when they do arise. I see him changing me. So I pray more than I have every prayed - not because I have to in order to be a “good Christian,” but because I desire to. Because I see it transforming me into the person God created before the distortions of this world warped his original design. Prayer is an amazing way to connect with God. It is amazing how I can speak to him in prayer when I allow myself. It is even more amazing how I hear from him through prayer – especially lately. He is blessing me with so many personal touches. And more and more, I trust him to handle all of my junk, all of my silly and not so silly ruminations. I trust him to handle the future that is so hard to let go of. I trust him with the very trust that he instills as I draw closer to him in prayer. He gives me all that I need to continue on this journey.

Lord, I thank you and praise you…

What I Signed Up For

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. This is not new, because I am in my head a lot. I am in my head to the point where we psychology types call it obsessive – it is not a good thing. But lately, some of what has come out has moved away from obsessing over the wrong things and instead engaging in what I think is becoming an important and productive struggle over some very important things. These range from facing my own issues, to what it means to trust God and give him control in areas where my grip can become so tight, to specifically how God is calling me to do what he is calling me to do in this short life (the “what” is being revealed amazingly clearly right now, but the “how” is pretty fuzzy).

In all of this thinking, I am arriving at one thought in particular that keeps coming up over and over. Here it is…This is not the life I was expecting. I mean, I don’t remember signing up for this particular life. But, then I think some more, and I realize that I actually did sign up for this life. Granted, it is not the one I planned for as a young girl, or later as an awkward teenager, or later still as a young woman about to embark on my life as an adult. However, I realize now that “planning” and “signing up for” are two different things. One was of me – birthed out of my own will, desires, distorted emotions, and imperfect knowledge of what is best for me. The second is far better. It happened when I accepted that God’s love for me is absolutely fulfilling. It happened when I understood and accepted that his will for me is perfect, even when it departs from what I think is best. It happened when I accepted that his calling on my life is far bigger than ANYTHING that I could possibly dream up for myself. And I want a big life that points to my big God.

So, I look at the life I once desired– the one with its house in the suburbs, a husband who adores me, kids who think I am the greatest, a fulfilling career on the side, and enough money to keep us safe and secure into the future. Once this seemed so perfect; now I can’t imagine this being what God has for me. Sure, I still desire pieces of it – like many of us, I desire a fulfilling marriage and family as well as other outlets for my gifts and talents. I believe these are in my future, because I believe God has told me so. But the overall puzzle is coming together so differently so that the overall mosaic forms a picture that points to and serves God rather than me. The ways in which this is happening are surprising and challenging. But I thank him for protecting me against making the mistake of accepting the lesser picture earlier in life, because I see now that something different – and ultimately so very much better – is in store. It’s beginning to reveal itself, and I know I was created “for such a time as this.”

I am entering this life that so many are going to see as strange, but, despite it strangeness, it feels so “normal” because it is what God created me for. It is a life that feels very scary to a woman who was once a girl taught to fear the unknown. It feels foreign to a woman who is pretty darn good at controlling stuff and still learning that letting go is the best path. But it is also exciting. And I now wish to reject fear and embrace excitement. So that is what I am going to do.

I could stop there, but I guess I feel this particular blog – my inaugural blog – wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t share an excerpt from the lyrics to a song that I feel could have come straight from my heart. They express my desire to follow God with my whole heart into the unknown – no matter what.

I’d rather chase your shadow all my life
Than be afraid of my own
I’d rather be with you
I’d rather not know
Where I’ll be
Than alone and convinced that I know

Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go
Let you turn me inside out
Cause I know I’m not sure
About anything at all
But you wouldn’t have it any other way

And the world keeps spinning round
My world’s upside down
And I wouldn’t change a thing
I’ve got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn’t change a thing

-Lifehouse

Hello!

Welcome to Not So Strange, Not So Normal...enjoy the ride!