So, So Tired

I am really fading here. I went to bed around 11pm last night (pretty usual for me). I quickly settle into a nice little sleep all snuggled in my down comforter. I would have liked to have stayed like that until wake up/workout time at 5:10am. I mean, isn’t that early enough already? But no…my body had other plans. It decided to wake up at 2:56am. It’s times like this that I want to throw that clock against the wall because it just seems to taunt me…2:57…2:58…2:59…Oh crap, now it’s 3am. I WANT TO SLEEP!!!! Then it’s 4am. Then it’s 5am and time to get up to workout anyway, so why not just give up? No problem. It was actually a great workout because I was more awake than usual.

But now…now, life is totally sucking. It is just after 4pm, and I am a feeling totally done for the day despite more than enough work on my desk to keep me busy for quite some time.

So what does everyone else do when you can’t sleep? Any tried and true remedies? I tried prayer, counting sheep, relaxation methods, reading, even doing some paperwork. It is so rare for me that I haven’t come up with anything that really works for me. I know from training with sleep psychologists that you are supposed to get out of bed until you feel tired again (which I did), but any other bright ideas from all you people with more chronic sleep problems?

Saying Goodbye

I hate to say goodbye.

I guess I have always known this about myself, but it hit me big-time last night when I drove up to my house around 9:30 and saw the For Sale sign in my yard that hadn’t been there when I left in the morning.

Now, this sign did not just randomly appear in my yard. It was placed there by the real estate agent I contracted with to do it. It wasn’t like I didn’t know it was coming. And I am ready for this. I really am. In fact, the reason I was getting home so late in the evening was because I had been out house hunting for the next home God has in store for me (not to mention getting crazy looks from three of my friends as I displayed some serious slaphappiness). It was fun. And I am excited about it and the adventures that lie ahead for me. But I still dread saying goodbye to this house. I can’t even think about someone else living there. It’s just too strange.

This was my first house, and it really became a home for me. I think it is always hard to say goodbye to our first anything – first love, first car, first pet, etc.

I actually named my first car. This, I will tell you, is a big no-no. In college, one of my lab courses in Neurobiology required that I train a rat on a maze before and after lesioning critical brain structures, only to later kill him and prepare slides of brain slices to analyze under a microscope. The first thing they told us was not to get too attached to the rat. Yeah – I didn’t listen. And that ended up being a difficult process for me.

I didn’t listen when it came to my car, either. I named him George (as in, “I will love him, and kiss him, and call him George,” for all of you Looney Tunes fans). George was a yellow, Ford Festiva with orange and black racing stripes on the side to help him sell off my father’s car dealership lot. You are now beginning to see how I ended up with him.

George and I had some great times. George had taken me back and forth on the 3.5 hour drive between my University and my hometown – my longest distance living away from home at that time. George had driven me and my friends around Rochester, NY so we could get off campus and have some fun. I got my first speeding ticket with George. And George somehow always had his windows completely steamed up when I went to get him in the remote parking lot where he stayed when I didn’t need him – to this day, I swear people were breaking in and making out in there, but George never said a word. He was just that trustworthy. I actually had to have a parting conversation with George before I sold him.

So you are probably getting the picture…if it was that hard saying goodbye to George, it is understandable that saying goodbye to my first house is going to be hard.

At least I never named my house.

A Captivating Movie

At the risk of shamelessly ripping off my friend Steve who wrote about this a little while back, I want to share some thoughts about a movie I just saw this past weekend - the recent movie remake of King Kong.

Disclaimer - I will take a uniquely female perspective that neither Steve nor the male character who speaks the truth behind the story brings forth. Proceed at your own risk.

King Kong wasn’t really a movie that I had been planning to run right out and see, but after reading Steve’s comments, it sounded more interesting. Specifically, he commented, “If you want to see a movie that portrays sacrifice in a way that reflects the true consequences of the choice to love someone more than yourself, watch King Kong.” So, since I am a sucker for a good love story, I decided it would be a good Friday night pick.

I never knew that there was an amazing message hidden within a seemingly far-fetched tale of a huge gorilla terrorizing the streets of New York. But beneath the outrageous premise of this movie is a beautiful story of the transforming power of love.

As one of the main characters states as he gazes down at the lifeless body of King Kong, who had just died fighting for love and the existence he knew he was meant to live out without compromise, “Twas beauty that killed the beast.” How true. For it was the beauty of a woman and the beauty of love that took the king of the wildest beasts in the jungle and uncovered something more. It uncovered a heart that could love, a heart that longed for and responded to the beauty of a woman. Yet amazingly, Kong retained all of his other qualities. He retained a fierceness that made him a formidable opponent to everything from dinosaurs, to man, to machines and guns. He retained his majestic appearance and countenance. And in the end, he retained his calling – to fight and live out his days as a king who succumbed to no one. But it was a calling now enhanced and refined by this transforming love. It was truly beautiful. And that beauty, beyond just the beauty of the woman - is what overcame the beast.

And just that would be enough...but what about the other side of the story? I couldn’t help but notice a transformation in the very woman who revealed the beauty that killed the beast.

Anne was an absolutely gorgeous woman. A true beauty. But others, from her elderly mentor on Vaudeville to the many rough-edged sailors on a grungy barge, noticed something more. There was a beauty in her spirit and her carriage. There was something special. Others noticed it.

So then you can see that when we speak about the essence of a woman – her beauty – we don’t mean “the perfect figure.” The beauty of a woman is first a soulish beauty. And yes, as we live it out, own it, inhabit our beauty, we do become more lovely. More alluring.

– from Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge

The only problem was that Anne didn’t see it. Or, perhaps more accurately, she didn’t believe in it. She didn’t trust it. And she didn’t trust herself. And she didn’t trust others. With a past where everyone she had ever loved had let her down, she had shut down. She would only let herself go so far, and then she would stop and go no further. She would only love so much, and then she would love no more, trust no more. And that was her existence. But:

So the choice a woman makes is not to conjure beauty, but to let her defenses down. To choose to set aside her normal means of survival and just let her heart show up. Beauty comes with it.
-from Captivating

And that, I believe, is precisely what happened to Anne. She made a choice. She experienced strength from an unlikely source, and she began to let her heart show up…

To experience the strength of a man is to have him speak on our behalf…We long for the protection masculine strength offers…We long for someone strong to stand between us and the vicious assaults of the enemy…The strength of a man is first a soulish strength – a strength of heart. And yes, as he lives it out, owns it, inhabits his strength, he does become more handsome. More attractive. As the fruit of an inner reality…
- from Captivating

As Anne’s beauty began to reveal the inner reality that resided in the heart of the beast, she began to trust not only him, but also herself. She let go of fear, and she took off on an amazing adventure with reckless abandon.

You could argue Anne was let down in the end. After all, the beast died, and he took his inner reality – the strength of beauty within the beast - with him. But I don’t believe it. I believe he left behind a whole new beauty in what he unveiled in this woman. He had unveiled the fullness of her beauty.

Although the movie ends there, I like to think Anne didn’t waste her beauty or let it fade. I like to think she continued to reveal her full beauty and the full presence of her heart in order to find and treasure her next adventure.

And I like to think I will do the same.

Fear Not

So…2005. You and I had a bit of a love-hate relationship, didn’t we? You were a year that brought a lot of things - new friends who have helped me to rediscover sides of myself that I had almost lost; healing through buried hurts; and heartbreak and painful experiences that showed me where true freedom, hope, and joy come from, to a name a few big ones. But as I look back, all of these seem tied to one underlying development. 2005 was a year where I decided to confront fear.

I have lived in fear for most of my 32 years, and it has been this year that has helped me to see it clearly for the first time. It has been this year that has brought me to a place of confronting it for the first time. And it has been this year that has led me to see how much fear has been holding me back from amazing experiences.

And through all of this, I have learned one thing that I know for sure – fear sucks. And I am not going to accept it anymore. I am not going to let it dictate my life.

As I look to my future, there is a lot I could be scared of. Frankly, some of it may happen. Some of it may even be probable based on the circumstances that confront me. But God is a God of the impossible, and so I see now that circumstances are not the whole story. In 2005, God showed me that the impossible can, in fact, become reality if I trust in him.

So I ask myself, “what if I put myself out there and take the chances that are right in front of me? What if I take the risk?” Yes, my worst fears could happen. They could. But, alternatively, my wildest dreams could come true. My deepest hopes could be fulfilled.

I have wasted enough time. I have allowed myself to enter a life of boredom and white-knuckled security that left no room for adventure. And that is no life. From now on, I choose adventure.

I am shooting for my wildest dreams. Care to join me?

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:7