I Disappeared

A strange memory came to me out of the blue last night. I remembered that, when I was in grade school, I used to always be chosen for the lead part in musicals and concerts. It was pretty much a given. I even remember that my music teacher used to hand sew costumes for me on her own time because my own mother’s sewing skills pretty much ended at reattaching buttons. I have a particularly vivid memory of a clown costume. But, I also remembered something else. I remembered that somewhere along the line, all of this stopped happening. Now, I didn’t suddenly become tone deaf or a crappy singer. What happened was I disappeared. I let fear take over. I went into hiding, because I was scared to let people see me fail. And because of this, my music wasn’t beautiful anymore. It was distorted. People didn’t enjoy it as much, and they stopped being drawn to it.

You may or may not have noticed that I haven’t blogged in over a week. Some of this has been busyness, I admit. But more than anything, this is really because my thoughts and emotions are coming too fast for me to even get a handle on. God is more real to me right now than ever before. Words just can’t describe the process he is taking me through. I can’t believe the intimacy that he is creating.

Through all of this, one theme is prevalent. He is bringing me out of hiding. The hiding that happened when I was a child wasn’t just about school plays and concerts. It was about my heart. It was about deciding at a young age that, to avoid pain, I needed to play a part. That part was of a young girl and later a woman who was in control, who was successful, who had it together. A woman who had to strive for perfection. I learned that, to avoid pain, I needed to hide the heart of who I am. The tragedy is that, in the hiding, very little has touched my heart and very little has come out of it. It has been a lonely existence.

I have known for sometime now that this is so much less than what God has for me. And I have been praying about this for many years. And the process that is happening now is bringing together all the ways he has been answering. I am seeing it so clearly, especially in the events of the past year. It has been a process fraught with pain. I think I really understand the term “growing pains” in a real way for the first time. But despite the pain – no, actually I think because of the pain and the tears that fall so freely now - I find myself knowing without any doubt that this is the single most important time in my life. I feel something changing in me. I am seeing my own heart for the first time, and now I can let others see it, too. It is scary and it has and will cause pain at times, but it is right. And I so love the God who has met me here and comforts me through it all.

It’s funny. As all of this is has been happening, I have noticed something else as well. Lately, several people have come up to me after over-hearing me sing, and they have told me how much they enjoyed it - that it was beautiful. Beautiful. And once again, I see how totally God can heal. I disappeared for a while, but now I am coming back.