What I Signed Up For

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. This is not new, because I am in my head a lot. I am in my head to the point where we psychology types call it obsessive – it is not a good thing. But lately, some of what has come out has moved away from obsessing over the wrong things and instead engaging in what I think is becoming an important and productive struggle over some very important things. These range from facing my own issues, to what it means to trust God and give him control in areas where my grip can become so tight, to specifically how God is calling me to do what he is calling me to do in this short life (the “what” is being revealed amazingly clearly right now, but the “how” is pretty fuzzy).

In all of this thinking, I am arriving at one thought in particular that keeps coming up over and over. Here it is…This is not the life I was expecting. I mean, I don’t remember signing up for this particular life. But, then I think some more, and I realize that I actually did sign up for this life. Granted, it is not the one I planned for as a young girl, or later as an awkward teenager, or later still as a young woman about to embark on my life as an adult. However, I realize now that “planning” and “signing up for” are two different things. One was of me – birthed out of my own will, desires, distorted emotions, and imperfect knowledge of what is best for me. The second is far better. It happened when I accepted that God’s love for me is absolutely fulfilling. It happened when I understood and accepted that his will for me is perfect, even when it departs from what I think is best. It happened when I accepted that his calling on my life is far bigger than ANYTHING that I could possibly dream up for myself. And I want a big life that points to my big God.

So, I look at the life I once desired– the one with its house in the suburbs, a husband who adores me, kids who think I am the greatest, a fulfilling career on the side, and enough money to keep us safe and secure into the future. Once this seemed so perfect; now I can’t imagine this being what God has for me. Sure, I still desire pieces of it – like many of us, I desire a fulfilling marriage and family as well as other outlets for my gifts and talents. I believe these are in my future, because I believe God has told me so. But the overall puzzle is coming together so differently so that the overall mosaic forms a picture that points to and serves God rather than me. The ways in which this is happening are surprising and challenging. But I thank him for protecting me against making the mistake of accepting the lesser picture earlier in life, because I see now that something different – and ultimately so very much better – is in store. It’s beginning to reveal itself, and I know I was created “for such a time as this.”

I am entering this life that so many are going to see as strange, but, despite it strangeness, it feels so “normal” because it is what God created me for. It is a life that feels very scary to a woman who was once a girl taught to fear the unknown. It feels foreign to a woman who is pretty darn good at controlling stuff and still learning that letting go is the best path. But it is also exciting. And I now wish to reject fear and embrace excitement. So that is what I am going to do.

I could stop there, but I guess I feel this particular blog – my inaugural blog – wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t share an excerpt from the lyrics to a song that I feel could have come straight from my heart. They express my desire to follow God with my whole heart into the unknown – no matter what.

I’d rather chase your shadow all my life
Than be afraid of my own
I’d rather be with you
I’d rather not know
Where I’ll be
Than alone and convinced that I know

Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go
Let you turn me inside out
Cause I know I’m not sure
About anything at all
But you wouldn’t have it any other way

And the world keeps spinning round
My world’s upside down
And I wouldn’t change a thing
I’ve got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn’t change a thing

-Lifehouse