Stop the Presses...

I officially have a new goal. Ok, in actuality, it’s not just a goal - it's more like a need. And by need, I mean it's kind of an obsession.

No - I am not referring to gin and tonic (I felt I needed to say that before my next run in with a certain friend of mine involves him jumping out of a parked car, pulling me off the sidewalk, and driving me out west to a famous clinic established by a former first lady). What I am referring to is the fact that I just saw AFI’s list of top 100 films of all time, and it is seriously bothering me that there are a lot of films I have never seen. There are a few I have never heard of (mostly silent films), but what disturbed me the most was the sheer number of films I have heard of, know to be famous and acclaimed films, and have just never set aside time to watch.

Do I hear you asking what I am going to do about this? Well, I am going to start with the top rated films and watch all the films I haven’t seen until I reach #100. When they add more and drop some, I will watch the new ones as well. Maybe I’ll watch some I’ve already seen, because I just can’t help myself. Maybe I’ll write reviews and stuff. The sky’s the limit when it comes to obsession.

First up…Citizen Kane. I seriously haven’t seen the #1 movie. How pathetic am I?* If you, too, are pathetic, feel free to join me.

*This question is rhetorical

RSVP

You issue the invitation
Once, twice, countless times

Excitedly, I answer
“Yes!”

Longing to come
My heart soon recoils into dark corners
Of a drawer full of broken promises

“Something came up,” I first say
Next, I bring guests to a date meant only for two
Always understaying my welcome

You never give up
Another missive arrives
Carrying peace which envelopes as the seal is broken

It is time
I cannot miss the opportunity
I cannot miss You

Not again

Receive my RSVP
Tied not with the fragile chains of will and resolve
But the tender longings of my heart

I go where I know You wait
This party for two is soon to begin

Ruminations

What will be my next thing? Will it be as good as the last? I don’t want to live in the fading light of glory days long passed.

And what of missed opportunities? Will they come back ‘round again? If only I could pass some clues to that girl I was back then.

How do I move life forward, closer to where I want to be? Will striving lead me to success, or is it enough just to live free?

It’s these questions that consume me. And with them comes the fear. Yet through God’s love it’s less and less with every passing year.

Evocative One

endless moments
stolen glances
benign from another
addictive from you

my evocative one

kissless, touchless, careless
your mere presence brushing mine
e(merging) into transcendental desire

a distant dream tenuously aroused
upon its bed of premature slumber
where fantasy burns to ashes within a kiln of solitude

speak!
shatter this vessel of surrendered silence
throw a shared adventure with your words
narrate destinations where journeys unite

Today is....

Helping a friend
Sunny breezes on my face
Greeting strangers
Talking to God
Smiling for no reason
Nourishing beautiful things from an unsurpassed Creator
Catnap in the shade, book on my lap
Listening to nothing, hearing everything
Glass of water next to a better one of gin and tonic
Music in my ears
Dreaming
Hoping
Praying
Words to paper
…the way it’s supposed to be

Immovable Heart

Oh, heart
Can I not replace you?
For you are no good to me now

Circumstances changed
Life goes on
But you do not

So much of what I do now
Centers around you
My will is but your slave

I push and I pull
But you do not budge
I gaze at your steadfastness
And am haunted by the mystery

Love's Song

Nowhere to turn
Means everything to gain
For I have You

Hurt by another
Means look to my Lover
To be made new

To respond in anger
To become but strangers
Makes me a fool

I turn my head
Red cheek to pink
Destruction, love alludes

Awakening

Tonight I dared to dream again
How scared I was
To remember
To hope

A shooting star
A present from my Lover
Telling me I have but to ask
That I can’t out-dream Him

Light streaming downward
I held out my hands
But it pierced my heart instead

The same hand that moves the stars for me
Holds mine
And calms my deepest fears

Finally, I have passionate peace
True Love
Found

Drawn to Dawn

We glorify the dawn, for with its golden light it ushers in new beginnings and illuminates beauty in things that are otherwise overlooked. But can God’s glory be contained by the dawn? Or are the boundaries imposed by the smallness of our minds and the vastness of our fears? Just as beauty is more than skin deep, the beauty of God's glory is far more than the beauty appreciated by man.

It is in the dark that I am learning to see. It is with my senses blurred, deafened, and obscured that God is being more fully perceived. Without my faculties, I am forced to breathe Him in. He fills my lungs and restores my soul.

I, like you, am drawn to dawn. But it is my time with God in the dark that draws me.

Run Ladies Run!

We interrupt this programming for a brief message from our sponsors...

invites you to sponsor

RUN LADIES RUN!

No, we’re not running for our lives, but we are running for a good cause. We will be coming together on August 5th to take part in the 4th Annual Lady Distance Classic, running or walking either a 5K or 10K course.

Why? It’s all part of D’VINE’s Big Ask campaign to raise money to open a not-for-profit coffee house in the Clifton area. This coffee house will be a gift to our community where people can get great coffee, grow relationships and experience community, and be creative or appreciate the creativity of others.

If you would like to partner with us, we are looking for financial sponsors to support us as we run like the wind (or maybe just a soft breeze). You can pledge by kilometer or in one lump sum. We would love for you to support us however you feel led. And feel free to come cheer us on!

I personally will be running the 10K. If you would like to provide support, either financially, praying that God would provide sponsors, and/or moral support at 7:30 am this Saturday, let me know! I'm #1541, or just look for the person running with death-defying speed :)

Spiritual Bulimia

I’m starving. Obsessed, I hunger and thirst for spiritual food, but with this obsession co-exists a great aversion to the very object of my desire.

I seek Him out, but moments of rest are so quickly overtaken by a battle that I can’t face. I turn and retreat.

I binge. I purge. I am left lonely and longing.

I am surrounded by lies, piercing and deflating the truth like arrows. The aim is too good. No doubt the archer is skilled.

He disputes my worth. He tells me I am alone. He tells me to give up, to walk away. He tells me nothing yet everything all at once.

His voice is persuasive; his volume too loud. And the lies of this world play an alluring accompaniment. From the horns comes “bitch,” from the strings, “ho,” from the woodwinds, “too much,” and percussion, “not enough.”

I rally to turn the channel, and I hear the contents of my heart sung to a less compelling rhythm.

Lord, I'm in the dark,
Seems to me the line is dead when I come calling.
No one there, the sky is falling;

Lord, I need to know.
My mind is playing games again,
You're right where You have always been.

Take me back to You,
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.

Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

I will rest in You,
I will rest in You,
I will rest in You.

Tell me I'm a fool,
Tell me that You love me for the fool I am,
Comfort me like only You can,

And tell me there's a place
Where I can feel Your breath
Like sweet caresses on my face again.

Take me back to You,
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.

Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

I will rest in You,
I will rest in You,
I will rest in You.

“I can barely hear you. Please grow louder.” 4, 5, 6, 7, 8…still not loud enough. Still not long enough. “Please don’t stop! I need to hear!”

“That is nothing, child, but a fruitless cry to vacated seats. He does not hear you. His do not hear you. Not you. Spit Him out. Spit them out. Vomit. Vomit!”

Spiritual bulimia…And with it, darkness obscures the horizon. Desperate, I reach back and grasp for something real. “What’s that?”

A still small voice is barely audible beneath the clamor... "What? Please…louder.”

“Eat, My child. Drink”

I long for solid food, but I will start with milk if I must. I will not spit it out, though the taste seems oddly bitter.

I will not forsake it, for I still believe it will not forsake me.

Please Endulge Me

Yes, now is the time for all of you who are waiting for me to write something incredibly profound and inspiring on this blog to...well, wait even longer. Sorry, but I feel I must now take on the role of unabashedly proud aunt, showing off these pictures of two of my adorable nephews. Seriously, who can resist these faces?

First, this is Joey. Joey is 2 years old now. Joey is (hopefully) wearing swim trunks specially designed by Walmart. As you can see, he is also sporting an amazing smile that my sister and I first saw when we finally met him at a South Korean adoption center last June. He has the most amazing personality and has had an incredible impact on so many lives already. Everyone say, "Hi Joey."

















Now, this is Tyler. Tyler is Joey's big brother at a ripe old age of 5. Tyler is much taller than the last time I saw him, which was unfortunately December (they live on the East Coast). Tyler, as you can see, has a girlfriend. Tyler is very smart and can probably almost read this. Tyler would then say, "I don't have a girlfriend you goofball." Goofball is his favorite derogatory name for other people (especially Daddy and Aunt Marsha), but that is probably so December by now.
















And this...well, this can't be a good omen, can it?

Be Afraid...Be Very Afraid

After what I just went through in the last half-hour and in similar calls over the last several weeks, I am seriously concerned that someday - it may be tomorrow or it may be years from now when I am old(er) and gray - I will find myself walking down the street or sitting in the park or otherwise minding my own business when, all of a sudden, it will happen.

I will hear a voice that has the misfortune of too closely approximating that computer-generated one used by Big Business and Big Health Care and all the other Big's to keep from having to have any personal contact with the people whom they serve. The one that makes us wait on the line, speak our 10-digit member number, says "sorry, but I think you said..." when you know you spoke perfectly clearly, and never gives you the option you needed in the first place. The one that never gives you even the opportunity to press something to be connected with a real live person unless you can generate the willpower to not press anything while Little Miss Computer says things like, "Sorry, I didn't get that" or "Remember, you need to press either 1 or 2 to indicate you choice" or something like that. And is it just me, or does her voice tone change ever so slightly to indicate increasing annoyance on her part? Like she's the one who should be annoyed in that scenario.

When I do someday come across that poor unsuspecting individual who sounds a little too much like this computer lady, I can only imagine the ire that will rise up in me. I can only imagine the strength of character and peace of God that will need to come over me to keep me from taking out on her all the bitterness that for me has become attached to that voice. It is like nails on a chalkboard (the ancestor of the white board for the younger generations out there).

Sometimes I swear I was born in the wrong time. It's time like these I wonder what it would have been like to live in the 1940's or 50's. I know I would have a very different lifestyle, but I think I look pretty good in high heels and pearls :)

Something Profound? Not So Much

So the fact that I think this video is hilarious and the fact that I actually understand not only what these people are singing about but also why they would be driven to do something so ridiculous officially makes me a nerd. I am finally accepting it.

Real Men of Genius

Bud Light (or not) presents Real Men of Genius
(Real Men of Genius)

Today we salute you, Mr. Hoot and Holler at Women Passing By Guy
(Mr. Hoot and Holler at Women Passing By Guy)

You are perhaps the greatest inspiration to women everywhere, using your primitive calls to bring joy to their days, even as you stand there in your wife beater t-shirt
(there’s ketchup on your t-shirt)

You spend your days thinking up new and different ways to make your voice into the perfect mating call to attract that very special woman of your dreams
(more like a nightmare)

Day in and day out women pass by and ignore you, but you aren’t deterred
(I think she might like me)

It’s true, it’s never worked before, but those were just bitches anyway
(maybe if I call her “sweetheart”)

So open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. King of Carnivals and Construction Sites. Because if one guy can use his voice to let other men know just how not to treat women, we are glad it’s you
(Mr. Hoot and Holler at Women Passing By Guy)

To Love or Not To Love

"Well said, teacher," the man replied. "You are right in saying that God is one and there is no other but him. To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices." When Jesus saw that he had answered wisely, he said to him, "You are not far from the kingdom of God." And from then on no one dared ask him any more questions.
Mark 12: 32-34

When God commanded us to love our neighbor as ourselves, do you think he meant to include inept customer service personnel? You're probably going to say yes, aren't you?

God, sorry for today. Help me to love you more, experience the true freedom of your love, and love others through both easy and difficult situations. It can only go up from here.

Yard Sale Mayhem

Does anyone recognize this guy? It's the many sides of Steve Bragg. And, as you will see, I mean that quite literally.

The pose that sold this old washing machine.

Can you believe someone gave these beauties away?

Wow, if the first one didn't convince you...


These light fixtures never sold, but Courtney and Steve gave it a valiant effort.

Confessions of an Emotional Voyeur

I like to watch people in crowds and ponder their interactions with each other. I especially like to observe people when they are having a personal moment – either a positive or a negative one.

I like to study people’s faces to look for their real, possibly unspoken reactions to situations.

I like to stare at the scene of an accident in order to see what kind of tragedy has occurred, and then I ponder how it may affect the lives involved.

I like to ask people questions that get at the root of what they are thinking and feeling. I just think we too often hang out on the surface and miss out on all the wonders that can be found beneath.

And I like to read people’s blogs in order to learn about them, including stuff they don’t share in person. And this creates for me a level of intimacy with the person. For the people who are willing to share that level of intimacy, it doesn’t turn out to be a problem – just another avenue with which to draw closer to one another in friendship. And for people I don’t really know anyway, it’s not a problem because I don’t really have an emotional investment. It then becomes a way of creating a more limited relationship. But for people who are in my life but not otherwise willing to share and discuss the things they blog about in person, it’s an emotional disparity that I find myself on the losing end of. It’s a form of relationship that leaves me feeling empty and let down.

And I worry that we might be becoming a blogging generation that is losing out on real emotional intimacy. I think that blogging can create and even enhance relationships. But I also think, if allowed to, it can become a second-rate replacement for true relationship. Emotional voyeurs are especially vulnerable. *

So, hi. I’m Marsha. And I’m an emotional voyeur.

And everyone says, …”Hi Marsha...”

*The contents of this blog have been previously discussed with people in my life and thus are not themselves an example of emotional exhibitionism and voyeurism through blogging.

My Birthday and Other Minimally Important News

First of all, thanks to all of you who remembered my birthday. I was honestly going into the day not expecting many people to remember or respond, so thanks to all of you who took the time to do so!

Here are some random thoughts and ponderings that have crossed my mind so far today, inspired by watching CNN and Channel 9 at the gym while preemptively working off these double chocolate chip birthday cookies I am treating myself to. As you can see, it has been a busy thinking day. I guess birthdays do that to you. The scary thing is that most of mine occurred prior to 7am this morning. It is scientific fact that our circadian rhythms shift so that we wake earlier and earlier in our old age. Crap- it has begun :)


Lessons from a Foot Fetish

This is a story I only caught the tail end of after scanning the multiple TVs in front of me and seeing closed caption that caught my attention and caused me to tune in the audio. Basically, this woman was being interviewed because apparently, while unlocking the doors of her car to get in, she felt something licking her foot. Understandably, she assumed it was a dog or some sort of animal, and she looked down. What she saw was not an animal - at least not the kind she was thinking. What she saw was a man, hiding under her car and licking her foot - a man who apparently has a pretty significant foot fetish.

Now, just to get this out of the way, I do believe this is weird and disturbed and all that stuff. I am not endorsing it. I don’t want to go out and start having weird sexual attachments and addictions, and I don’t want to be the object of said weird addictions for anyone else. However, you gotta at least admit this guy had passion. I mean, he knew what he wanted and he went for it. He was trapped under a car with no escape route – that’s how much he felt he had to pursue this thing in his life. He stepped all over a poor woman’s basic human rights in the process, but he did it with passion. If only he could find more productive outlets for that passion, he could potentially do some great things.

And I think that is true for all of us. We all have addictions or at least something that is redirecting our God-given passions into something not worthy of them. Addictions can really produce passion. They are powerful and self-propelling. Why don’t our healthier desires and pursuits produce this much passion? Maybe for some they do, but I think in general we have a much harder time sustaining our passion in these things, even if it is something we truly desire to do with our lives. Part of it is biological, I’m sure. Addictions involve powerfully reinforcing chemical transmissions in the brain that give us a rush. Drugs, power, sex – they all do it. I wish I could tap into this for those things I know I am called to pursue, so I could pursue them with more passion. So that little things wouldn’t distract me or discourage me. So that less healthy things wouldn’t get in the way and take all my passions.

I’m not giving up. I trust I will get better at it. For now, all I know is this. I need more passion like Christopher Walken needs more cowbell. I’ve got a fever…

And this Just In

It’s apparently two superpowers pitted against one another. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is Walmart versus the little town of Hercules, CA, and only one is going to come out of this the victor. Will it be the king of the discount store movement, or will it be a small town with a big name to reflect its big heart? Will Walmart be allowed to stay, or will Hercules manage to fend them off and protect the town as they know it?

I am going to follow this one. It’s nice to be reminded that big, important things sometimes do come in small, humble packages. The loud, self-promoting things don’t always have to win. I hope in this case they don’t. I need to see the little guy win right now.

Words

Words, words, words
I’m disappointed by words
They are no longer enough
They have betrayed my trust

Words are a weapon
They form a web of deceit
They cost me part of myself
Wounded, I seize my freedom

This new perspective is so different
I can see past the words
And I hear a different tune
Despite the same familiar lyric

No more words crafted from a silver tongue
It is action I long for
I will settle for no less
I was never meant to