The Root Of It All

The little girl sat on the stiff couch, waiting by the window for the means of escape that would soon arrive. She stared through the clear glass into the sunny, summer day outside, and, even at her young age, the contrast of that beauty with the horror of what was unfolding inside did not escape her.

“Please, God, let them get here, but don’t let them see,” she thought. “Don’t let them notice.” But her rescuers did not arrive, and she was instead forced to watch, to hear a scene that would haunt her in ways she wouldn’t understand until many years later.

The sight in front of her remained disturbingly clear despite the tears that flowed from her innocent eyes. She didn’t want to look, but somehow she couldn’t stop. And she didn’t want to listen, but she couldn’t tune it out. Her sobs came freely, but they weren’t noticed through the anger and the yelling. And somehow the yelling was strangely welcome because of the fear that it could otherwise turn into something much, much worse.

And that’s when he said it, and the words stung like none she had ever heard before. “Did he really just say that? Is it true? Was I really a mistake? Something they never wanted? Do they even want me now? Maybe they can’t even stand the sight of me. Maybe that’s why they don’t notice me sitting here, listening, watching.” And the tears came even faster, shaking her whole body which now ached with hurt all over - except for her heart. Her heart just seemed to go dead.

Her ride finally arrived, but the damage was done. She dried her eyes, wiped off her face, and walked out into that bright sunlight that now seemed like her enemy. As she approached the beat up Mercedes and saw her friend inside, she smiled the smile that has been used to veil the hurt ever since. And they didn’t notice. Noone did.

That memory came barreling back into my mind and heart recently, and for a moment I was that little girl again. The truth is, in some ways I never stopped being that little girl. And with the memory came the tears, seemingly identical to the ones cried on that horrible, horrible day.

This time, though, the tears of sorrow and pain were mixed with tears of joy, because it was a memory brought forth by the God who knew I was ready to face it and all the hurt it had ushered in. He knew I was ready to face it because I was ready to reject the heaviness, rejection, jealousy, and tendency toward competition that it had planted in my life, affecting not only myself but also the people and things most dear to me.

The enemy is all too aware of my weakness, having been behind the whole thing in the first place. He wants me to experience rejection easily so that I feel cut-off from the love of others. He wants me to feel chronically unloved and unappreciated. He wants me to believe the lie that I have to be perfect to be loved, that I somehow have to earn it. He wants me to believe that the mistake was not only my parents’ but also God’s. He wants to separate me from any idea that my life is purposeful, that I have a unique place in God’s plan.

But it does not end there, because God is the author and protector of truth. And at the time He knew was no less than perfect, He spoke to me words of love like I have never heard, and the experience moved me like no words could ever express. He has confirmed my purpose and his love for me, telling me He is enveloping me in His arms from behind and that He ordained the following to be written with me in mind:

O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

I do have purpose, and it is a purpose assigned by my ultimate Creator before my very conception. It is a purpose that He is bringing to light, and I find myself standing in amazement that this is what He had in mind from the very beginning. I am in awe of the privilege and the responsibility, but I am so thankful that He is the author of it all. I am so thankful that He gives me insight into what is inside of me that needs to be healed and set free in order for His work to be accomplished through my life according to His plan. So I allow Him to heal, even as it means letting go long held beliefs and perhaps even long held desires. The roots of evil were planted, but God has pulled them out and is planting a new garden in my life – the fruits of which I can’t wait to fully experience.

Trusting in the Holy But

I see it in people’s eyes, and I hear it in their voices. I recognize it because I, too, think it in my own mind. Logic stares me in the face, and, no matter how hard I try, I can’t make myself believe that it is to be accepted. I can’t help but want to defy it. I wait on a hope deferred, trying to keep my heart from growing sick. And I am scared, because it makes no sense. And I worry, because what if I am wrong and just plain delusional? And just when I am about to give up – to accept less than what I believe I have been told to expect - I once again hear God speak to me what He has previously spoken, each time in new and different ways. He somehow speaks specifically to the doubts and questions that are arising in the moment.

Each time, he tells me that He is in control. He has issued me a promise, and He will not disappoint. He is what I just the other night heard described as my “Holy But.” It makes no sense, BUT God is a God of irrational things. He is a God of miracles. He is a God that can make the unbelievable believable. He is beyond all I can hope for or imagine. He is beyond my view of reality and reason, and he is beyond that of others as well.

It is He who reminds me:

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; BUT [emphasis mine] those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40: 28-31 (New International Version)

I am so very tired and so very weary. BUT my God never becomes so, even though he walks the same path with me. I have limitations, BUT my God created the ends of the earth – and the possibilities of what he created are limitless. I have a finite understanding of my circumstances and those of others, BUT my God has understanding that knows no boundaries – there is nothing that is not possible through Him. I grow weak under the strain of my circumstances, BUT he renews my strength. Through him I can soar like I had wings to fly. I need only to let go of what anchors me to the ground and allow it to happen.

What could be better than this? How could what he has in store for me not be worth waiting for? And even better - He walks with me and sustains me and even makes a way for me to actually soar – soar! - as I journey toward the full experience of that which he has to give me. He is perhaps taking detours I didn’t expect, but the experience of the journey is itself a blessing.

Too often, I miss all the scenery on a road trip because I am so anxious to get to the final destination. If I had done this on my recent road trip to Yellowstone I would have missed so much. I would have missed the deer and the antelope playing (literally). I would have missed amazing sunrises and unbelievable sunsets. I would have missed stars as far as the eye can see across an expanse of sky as clear as I have ever experienced. I would have missed meeting interesting people and managing to wrangle a cameo picture in two small town newsletters. What a waste that would have been.

Too often, I have neglected to pay attention to the blessings in store along the way in my journey with God as well. No more. I am now going to try my damndest to pay attention to the scenery on my travels, not just to the end point alone. The beauty, I am finding, is in the detours.

Lord, continue to open my eyes and my heart to what you are showing me now, as we walk together to the fulfillment of your promises to me, and as we continue to walk to our final destination together. You are truly worth waiting on. Thank you for the experience.

The Bloggers Are Getting Restless...

Ok, Ok…I admit that it has been shamefully long since I have posted. In my defense, I have been a bit preoccupied over the last few weeks, and that was followed by some much needed time out of town experiencing nature. Let me tell you, there is a reason we call God “Creator”– the most creative people I know have nothing on Him. There will probably be more on this experience once I have reflected a bit more, but for now I will merely step up to a challenge, as I have been “tagged” by agirloutthere.

10 things that make me happy (in no particular order) are:

1. Springtime
2. Laughing and sharing a laugh with others
3. My cats cuddling up to me and purring when I cry (no cat lady jokes, please)
4. Feeling truly loved – moments where it just permeates through me and I can’t deny it
5. Wearing open-toed shoes
6. The smell of rain on a hot day
7. Those moments when I know I am walking out what God created me to do
8. Conquering a fear
9. The feeling of a small child’s hand in mine
10. Slimming outfits

To all who know me as Helmet, don’t fret. Wearing helmets (or seeing others wear helmets) just missed the list at #11!

Stay tuned for reflections on my recent road trip to Idaho (yes, Idaho) and, as a bonus - suggested by none other than agirloutthere again - a list of ways I have almost died. How’s that for a cliffhanger?

The Places I've Been

Alone is a road I know too well -an oft trodden path in my life. It is rocky and steep, and it leads to Nowhere.

Nowhere is the place I once made my home. In it resided no passion or purpose. I left only for brief but glorious vacations - vacations to wilderness places steeped in adventure. Once I traveled to a place called Love.

Love is a place like none I could have imagined. It is pure and innocent. It is unexpected and fun. But Love did not invite me to stay, and it sent me on to a place called Heartbreak.

Heartbreak is a place I wouldn’t have chosen. And there I suffered great pain. It is pain that still aches beneath the surface and sometimes stings like a new wound. But I noticed a sign in Heartbreak that led me to Growth.

Growth, I discovered, is an amazing place. It has its own share of pain, but it is pain that builds and does not tear down. Growth is a place that you can take with you wherever you go next. And Growth showed me the way to Beauty.

Beauty feels like I am home again. Not the shack I built in Nowhere, but a palace fit for a queen. It is a palace with room enough to welcome others to come and stay. And Beauty can’t be found along Alone. The only road to Beauty is God.

And God is a road that leads to so many other amazing places. It is there that I discovered Peace. It is there that I discovered Freedom. It is there that I discovered Trust. And it there that I over and over again discover Me.

My Battle Cry

Once I was on the sidelines
Now I am fighting the war
But no victory comes my way
And the wounds are piling up

When will enough be enough?
It is becoming almost too much to bear
I find myself wishing for a fatal blow to stop the pain
And I am scared

I feel so alone in my army
My enemy attacks from all sides
Just when I regroup, a new attack is launched

Lord, I sit almost defeated, wanting to give up
The flame of hope is burning low
I am so tired of this
And anger burns red beneath the surface

But as I lay wounded, I find the strength to cry out
Lord, be my deliverer
I rebuke this enemy who attacks my worth, my beauty, my hopes

To him I say,
Though you come for me directly, through my brokenness and my pain
Though you come for me through the brokenness of others, launching arrow after arrow
Though you come for me as a wolf in sheep’s clothing
You cannot trick me
You cannot have me

Though you have injured me and have caused me great suffering, my spirit is not broken
You will not distract me from my calling
You cannot have me
You cannot have me

I am my Father’s daughter, and I will believe in what He says to me
Lies cannot take root
Truth will prevail

I pull myself up with strength from my God
The battle continues
And my battle cry is heard again another day

I Disappeared

A strange memory came to me out of the blue last night. I remembered that, when I was in grade school, I used to always be chosen for the lead part in musicals and concerts. It was pretty much a given. I even remember that my music teacher used to hand sew costumes for me on her own time because my own mother’s sewing skills pretty much ended at reattaching buttons. I have a particularly vivid memory of a clown costume. But, I also remembered something else. I remembered that somewhere along the line, all of this stopped happening. Now, I didn’t suddenly become tone deaf or a crappy singer. What happened was I disappeared. I let fear take over. I went into hiding, because I was scared to let people see me fail. And because of this, my music wasn’t beautiful anymore. It was distorted. People didn’t enjoy it as much, and they stopped being drawn to it.

You may or may not have noticed that I haven’t blogged in over a week. Some of this has been busyness, I admit. But more than anything, this is really because my thoughts and emotions are coming too fast for me to even get a handle on. God is more real to me right now than ever before. Words just can’t describe the process he is taking me through. I can’t believe the intimacy that he is creating.

Through all of this, one theme is prevalent. He is bringing me out of hiding. The hiding that happened when I was a child wasn’t just about school plays and concerts. It was about my heart. It was about deciding at a young age that, to avoid pain, I needed to play a part. That part was of a young girl and later a woman who was in control, who was successful, who had it together. A woman who had to strive for perfection. I learned that, to avoid pain, I needed to hide the heart of who I am. The tragedy is that, in the hiding, very little has touched my heart and very little has come out of it. It has been a lonely existence.

I have known for sometime now that this is so much less than what God has for me. And I have been praying about this for many years. And the process that is happening now is bringing together all the ways he has been answering. I am seeing it so clearly, especially in the events of the past year. It has been a process fraught with pain. I think I really understand the term “growing pains” in a real way for the first time. But despite the pain – no, actually I think because of the pain and the tears that fall so freely now - I find myself knowing without any doubt that this is the single most important time in my life. I feel something changing in me. I am seeing my own heart for the first time, and now I can let others see it, too. It is scary and it has and will cause pain at times, but it is right. And I so love the God who has met me here and comforts me through it all.

It’s funny. As all of this is has been happening, I have noticed something else as well. Lately, several people have come up to me after over-hearing me sing, and they have told me how much they enjoyed it - that it was beautiful. Beautiful. And once again, I see how totally God can heal. I disappeared for a while, but now I am coming back.

Being Random

I have some serious stuff rattling around up in this head of mine, and I am getting it down in writing when I can. I'm sure I will share some as soon as I find time to pull it together. But for now, the small portion of my brain not processing the serious stuff is still available to generate random thoughts and to create random thoughts from everyday experiences. I love being random, so here I go...

I like words. I am pretty good at using them. And I get really excited when I have the opportunity to use certain words in everyday conversation. One of my favorites is "moot." When that comes up, it is a banner day. Today I found a new one..."heist." I actually had a reason to use the word "heist" today. Someone else actually noticed the mad skills it took to find that opportunity, and we shared a side glance. And it made me happy. It is the little things in life that make me smile :-)

Hyper Hypo

Look closely - is it Mike Myers playing Philip, the hyper hypochondriac, or me? Hmm, tough to tell, huh?

Helmet

Oh Helmet, My Helmet
I revel in the sound
For you protect my cranium
Keep it intact and round

I know you are borrowed
And “Goodbye” I must say
What thrashing and crying
Will occur on that day

But I know in my being
My soul and my heart
That even though you will leave me
Even though we must part

Your legacy will live on
Just like the day you came
And you will be memorialized forever
As my new nickname
-For two very special lady HydroSeals

Yes, if you haven’t heard, it is true. I have a new nickname (it’s Helmet in case that’s not obvious by now). Well, really only a few people are using it, but I hope it takes off because it’s a little freaky how excited I am about this. I mean, I am writing ridiculously bad poetry (you didn’t think that was a serious piece of art, did you?) – not many things inspire me to do that. But, I have never had a real nickname before, so I can’t contain my excitement. I am also a little relieved, because it seems as though a lot of people have been calling me variations on the name “Ass” lately (e.g., jack-, dumb-, other less clean versions…). Hopefully, Helmet will overtake that somewhat disturbing trend.

Part of the reason I really like this name (Helmet, that is – not Ass) is because it was given to me by two new friends (go Seals!) who are very different than me in many ways yet the same in so many, too. And in just hanging out, having fun, and being open to the experience, we get the opportunity to learn more and more about one another. It amazes me that I just met these ladies recently, but the nickname actually fits really well for reasons that they have no clue about yet (those of you who know me know how well the name Helmet fits me). And this whole experience came about by just putting myself out there and being myself – my silly and very often embarrassing self. The result is the opportunity to get to know two wonderful women. And if this was all that happened out of the experience, it would be more than enough. And since to me laughter is an end in itself, just that would be enough, too.

But leave it to this awesome God that I talk about all the time to bring something else out of this experience for me…

The whole experience has made me think about how God sees me. I think he has a million little nicknames for me based upon his intimate knowledge of me. I don’t know what they all are yet, but I am learning more as I put myself out there enough to discover them. The experience of learning them is precious…I am his Beloved. I am his Workmanship. I am his Bride. I am Captivating. I am Loved.

But I am also Helmet. I think that may just be God’s favorite name for me right now. I think this because it represents my silly and carefree side. And because it represents a growing confidence that comes through him. And because he so loves the women who brought it out in me in the first place. So, right now, I think God is calling me Helmet. And I think that is very cool.

Hey God, it’s me, Helmet…

I Agreed

-As I read "She devoured my tenderness, my sweetness, my gift..." at http://agirloutthere.blogspot.com, I was so struck by how what my friend writes about a recent discovery regarding a specific word curse in her life fits with something I wrote in my own journal earlier this week. So, I decided to post my journal entry. I post because I think that maybe God is doing something collective amongst his beautiful daughters, and maybe it is even bigger than that. I post, I guess, because I want to give God props for creating the true her, the true me, and the true you -

Someone told me that I was not beautiful or worthy of love
And, sadly, I agreed
Someone told me that I needed to stay hardened and protected
And, sadly, I agreed
Someone told me that it’s better this way, because it’s safe
And, sadly, I agreed
I agreed, and I remained unchanged.
I remained less than I was meant to be.

But then I wondered what would happen if I disagreed. What would happen if I refused to accept this as all there is for me? What if I rejected the thoughts but also refused through my actions? What would happen if, even though it didn’t feel like me at first, I chose different paths than the ones I know well? What would happen if I walked in beauty and freedom by making difficult decisions? What would happen if I chose to not be the “me” I have known – the one shaped and distorted by this world full of broken people like myself - in order to find the me that God created?

It has always been the case and will always be the case that I am God’s creation and that he loves and accepts me no matter what. Through this, I have learned to love myself. But I also know that he has more for me, and he longs with great longing to give it to me. I know that God’s ways are not my ways. By clutching my ways with white knuckles, I have no way of grabbing onto what God has for me.

So, I have now taken specific steps to break the power of these "word curses" over my life. I have committed it to prayer in order to allow God to cleanse me from the way these words have bound me. And now, I have decided to daily make the difficult choices to reject the old distortions and related actions in order to discover something new about who I am.

At first, I was overwhelmed by thinking about the everyday courage, self-control, and vulnerability that it would take to carry this out. But now I know that these things do not have to come from me – these are not traits I have to possess. I only need to possess the willingness to give it over to God, allowing him to fill me with what I need for the process that follows. When I do this instead of trying to do it myself, the me that God created – the full me with all of my own personality intact but refined to his glory - shines through. I am beginning to see it. And I realize that I am beautiful, I am worthy of love, and I don’t need to stay hardened to stay safe. Imagine that.

Captivity

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
-2 Corinthians 10:5

Does anyone else find this difficult? I don’t know about you, but I have lots of thoughts. Endless thoughts. Millions of different ones, and so many that replay themselves over and over. I am having trouble catching them all. I am not even coming close, even though I am painfully aware that so many of these need to be taken captive because they are not consistent with God’s truth. In fact, they often distract me from God’s truth. They are aimed at pulling me away from a faith and hope that leads to complete trust. And I know he is worthy of complete trust. He is good. He does all things well. But how do I get rid of all these distracting thoughts?

Well, I think I am finally beginning to accept the message that I don’t. I can probably handle some of them, but the overall task is too big. My pastor and friend gave me a book called Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning. In it, Manning writes:

Understandably, then, we hide our true selves from God in prayer. We simply do not trust that he can handle all that goes on in our minds and hearts. Can he accept our hateful thoughts, our cruel fantasies, and our bizarre dreams? we wonder. Can he cope with our primitive images, our inflated illusions, and our exotic mental castles? [I would add, “Can he handle all my ruminations and worries? Can he handle my warped mind? Can he handle my future?”] We conclude that he cannot and thus withhold from Jesus what is most in need of his healing touch.

In order to grow in trust, we must allow God to see us and love us precisely as we are. The best way to do this is through prayer. As we pray, the unrestricted love of God gradually transforms us. We open ourselves to receive our own truth in the light of God’s truth. The Spirit opens our eyes to see what really is, to pierce through illusions so that we can discover we are seen by God with a gaze of love.

Hmmm… So I pray, and I get changed? It seems like there should be so much more involved in tackling such a big task, but he is showing me that his power in my life is released in greater measure through prayer. As I pray, I get changed – the thoughts lessen, but he also equips me to take them captive when they do arise. I see him changing me. So I pray more than I have every prayed - not because I have to in order to be a “good Christian,” but because I desire to. Because I see it transforming me into the person God created before the distortions of this world warped his original design. Prayer is an amazing way to connect with God. It is amazing how I can speak to him in prayer when I allow myself. It is even more amazing how I hear from him through prayer – especially lately. He is blessing me with so many personal touches. And more and more, I trust him to handle all of my junk, all of my silly and not so silly ruminations. I trust him to handle the future that is so hard to let go of. I trust him with the very trust that he instills as I draw closer to him in prayer. He gives me all that I need to continue on this journey.

Lord, I thank you and praise you…

What I Signed Up For

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. This is not new, because I am in my head a lot. I am in my head to the point where we psychology types call it obsessive – it is not a good thing. But lately, some of what has come out has moved away from obsessing over the wrong things and instead engaging in what I think is becoming an important and productive struggle over some very important things. These range from facing my own issues, to what it means to trust God and give him control in areas where my grip can become so tight, to specifically how God is calling me to do what he is calling me to do in this short life (the “what” is being revealed amazingly clearly right now, but the “how” is pretty fuzzy).

In all of this thinking, I am arriving at one thought in particular that keeps coming up over and over. Here it is…This is not the life I was expecting. I mean, I don’t remember signing up for this particular life. But, then I think some more, and I realize that I actually did sign up for this life. Granted, it is not the one I planned for as a young girl, or later as an awkward teenager, or later still as a young woman about to embark on my life as an adult. However, I realize now that “planning” and “signing up for” are two different things. One was of me – birthed out of my own will, desires, distorted emotions, and imperfect knowledge of what is best for me. The second is far better. It happened when I accepted that God’s love for me is absolutely fulfilling. It happened when I understood and accepted that his will for me is perfect, even when it departs from what I think is best. It happened when I accepted that his calling on my life is far bigger than ANYTHING that I could possibly dream up for myself. And I want a big life that points to my big God.

So, I look at the life I once desired– the one with its house in the suburbs, a husband who adores me, kids who think I am the greatest, a fulfilling career on the side, and enough money to keep us safe and secure into the future. Once this seemed so perfect; now I can’t imagine this being what God has for me. Sure, I still desire pieces of it – like many of us, I desire a fulfilling marriage and family as well as other outlets for my gifts and talents. I believe these are in my future, because I believe God has told me so. But the overall puzzle is coming together so differently so that the overall mosaic forms a picture that points to and serves God rather than me. The ways in which this is happening are surprising and challenging. But I thank him for protecting me against making the mistake of accepting the lesser picture earlier in life, because I see now that something different – and ultimately so very much better – is in store. It’s beginning to reveal itself, and I know I was created “for such a time as this.”

I am entering this life that so many are going to see as strange, but, despite it strangeness, it feels so “normal” because it is what God created me for. It is a life that feels very scary to a woman who was once a girl taught to fear the unknown. It feels foreign to a woman who is pretty darn good at controlling stuff and still learning that letting go is the best path. But it is also exciting. And I now wish to reject fear and embrace excitement. So that is what I am going to do.

I could stop there, but I guess I feel this particular blog – my inaugural blog – wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t share an excerpt from the lyrics to a song that I feel could have come straight from my heart. They express my desire to follow God with my whole heart into the unknown – no matter what.

I’d rather chase your shadow all my life
Than be afraid of my own
I’d rather be with you
I’d rather not know
Where I’ll be
Than alone and convinced that I know

Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go
Let you turn me inside out
Cause I know I’m not sure
About anything at all
But you wouldn’t have it any other way

And the world keeps spinning round
My world’s upside down
And I wouldn’t change a thing
I’ve got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn’t change a thing

-Lifehouse

Hello!

Welcome to Not So Strange, Not So Normal...enjoy the ride!