On September 4th, I wrote the following in my journal:
I guess we have all been there. We have all taken shots that felt like someone just kicked us in the stomach; that felt like we took a bullet through the heart. I have certainly been there in the past myself. But now - this time in my life right now - is different. It seems I can’t get through a single week without taking not just one of these shots, but often several of them. And I wonder, “when will it end?”
This week, I took a shot that I don’t even think I have fully processed yet. I guess I know that if I sat still enough to let myself do this, it could very well be too much for me. On top of every other blow I have taken in recent months, this one might just knock me out. I don’t know if I could ever catch my breath again. How do you go on when the very thing you have desired in your heart since as long as you can remember may not be a possibility for you? How do you even find the will to go on? And the kicker question – how do you trust a God who would let this happen?
I want to trust that he can overcome even what seem to be overwhelming odds. And if this is not his plan for me, I want to trust that he has something better. I want to. But it feels like my whole life these days is about trusting the unseen despite overwhelming odds. I am tired. I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up. It is a crazy cycle. I want to get off. I want it to end. But instead, more ammunition is added, and the cycle spins faster.
So today I willfully choose to trust. And I will do that tomorrow. And by the grace of God, I will find the strength to do it the following day. And the day after that. And as long as I have to. Father, come and hold me through this…
I re-read this entry this week. My circumstances remain, and I am still tired - but not as much. I still have no idea what is going on – but I am letting go somehow. I still am facing the possibility of dashed hopes and dreams. But I am still here. I am still trusting. I am held. And somehow, I am more peaceful.
What an amazing God. I pray he never stops amazing me. But, then again, I guess he never could.
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2 comments:
The cycle never ends...the one that we are in at the moment will eventually end, but then there will be a new one. A new struggle, a new joy, a new sadness. But (and I am still young) guess that it just never ends. But I believe that is when we grow the most.
My prayer for you is that you find peace with your cycles. And that you grow so much through these cycles!
i'm glad you're still here (well, not glad your struggle continues, but glad you're persevering through it). and i'm glad you're still trusting God through it. i can definitely relate, as i'm dealing with plenty of unknowns right now. i'd like to encourage you to take time to rejoice in the way God has sustained you so far. there's ground that's been covered and territory conquered, and it's good just to thank God for that... yes, there's still more for you, but take time to rest and rejoice!
(it might be fun to do a little dance if you were so inclined...)
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