Not So Strange, Not So Normal

From this cluttered mind to our cluttered reality

2007-08-12T14:54:00.000-04:00

I have a pieces of a grand plan buzzing in my head...if only I could get it together and get it out, I think some pretty great things could happen. Here's praying for clarity.

Neighborhood Updates

2007-07-30T13:31:00.000-04:00

Now that you know and love Lou and Bernice, I thought I would share the latest:

1. In the last week, I have seen two deer running down (repeat...down, not across) Columbia Parkway, stopping traffic in both directions. I have also seen deer walking down the sidewalk (repeat...down the sidewalk) of my street. It is like they are following me around, pleading to me with their eyes to save them from Lou. I am haunted by deer.

2. The people at the very end of my street are growing corn. Not just a garden. Corn. There are huge stalks of corn growing there. And they aren't growing in their backyard or even their sideyard. They are growing in the grassy area between the street and the sidewalk (is that called an easement?). I seriously love this street. The laughs never, ever stop. Add to all this a certain house around the corner that houses a rooster which greets me in the morning, and you would scarcely believe I live in the city.

3. Bernice got a new dog this weekend. It is a 4 year old Pomeranian that she got from the pound. His name is Barney, and he is adorable. He seems to like me, but I think that is because I was petting him after I had just gone for a run, and he enjoyed licking the salt off of my skin. But I am not proud. I will win him over however I can. And I can see that Bernice is very, very happy. I am happy for her.

4. I met a neighbor from the apartments across the street when I went over to talk to Bernice and Barney. She is really nice and mentioned that her friend wants to be a child psychologist. Um...I think that was a gimme for making a connection, so I invited her and her friend over to barbecue sometime so that her friend can pick my brain and I can make more connections with neighbors. Anyone else wanna come? (Note - this WILL NOT be my next pie party, which incidentally will involve an amazing peach and creme fraiche concoction ala Martha Steward via Emily Pradera, so don't think you can get in the backdoor on this one).

5. Late breaking news - Bernice told me that a young, male architect bought one of the houses on my street. This could be promising. Maybe I will push up the timeline on that design work I want to do in my basement. Well, either that or reconsider the hot tub fund. Hmm...

One Down, Sixty-Two To Go

2007-07-27T12:12:00.000-04:00

I have now officially watched Citizen Kane. I don't have much to say about it. I was pretty tired when I watched it, so that probably wasn't the best decision. I liked the message of the movie - the whole haunted by where things got off track in the past thing hits home a little. I would guess there were a lot of things about the film in general that were ahead of their time. Orson Welles knew what he was doing. One of the actresses really annoyed me, but I think that was intentional. That's all I have to say about that.

Next up...Raging Bull (#4 on AFI's list), as I am proud to say that I have already seen The Godfather (#2) and Casablanca (#3). I am really excited to see Raging Bull. It's one of those I have always intended to see but haven't made the time. Well, I soon won't be able to say that any longer. Who's in?

Who Needs TV When You Live in a Sitcom?

2007-07-16T22:04:00.000-04:00

We all have them. Young or old, loud or reclusive, tasteful or tasteless...they come in all sorts. You guessed it. I'm talking about neighbors. And while we would all probably argue we deserve the prize, I think I would get at least an honorable mention in any "interesting" neighbor contest. Truth be told, though, I would not have it any other way. I love my neighbors. We get along, and I get all sorts of interesting and amusing stories as a bonus. Who could ask for more?

So let me introduce you...Meet Lou*. Lou is the first person that I got to know on my street, and he is incredibly nice. He mowed my lawn all last summer because he could tell I was having a hard time getting to it with all of stresses of moving into a house as a single person while maintaining a (more than) full time job. He trimmed the bushes around my house after asking permission, because he loves to garden. He gave me bulbs and even planted some for me. He gives me all sorts of tips on gardening, and he also knows the good gossip on the street (which I of course close my ears to completely).

Lou has probably provided me with the most amusement, though you could say it is a toss-up. He's at least in the top two. First, he gets really nervous and worked up about things. I will admit that I am not the most laid back of people, but the stuff this guy gets worked up about doesn't even occur to me, and I find myself trying to calm him down a lot. Then there's the way he will come outside to talk to me when I am out in my yard, bring up topics of conversation, and then abruptly state that he has to go, with a tone conveying annoyance that I am somehow keeping him (recap: he came out to talk to me, introduced the topic, and is standing in my yard).

The absolute best Lou story, however, is one that just keeps giving and giving. It began last summer, when Lou starting complaining about a deer in the woods behind our houses who would come into his yard and eat all of his flowers. This would come up every time we encountered one another. Now, I understood his frustration, as he has a beautiful flower garden and he works hard on it. As he kept talking about his failed efforts to put a stop to the sabotage, however, things got more serious. He started talking about how he was checking with the city to see if you could shoot a deer within Cincinnati city limits. I said, "yeah, um...I think you can't." That was all that I could get out verbally, because images of camouflage-clad, shotgun-touting Lou shooting a series of bullets into my yard as Bambi's life flashes before her eyes and a soundtrack of me yelling for all my barbecue guests to "hit the dirt" were going through my head. Lou continued to bring that subject up all last summer, and my house guests started somewhat avoiding him for fear he would bring it up again. They had all heard it before. Luckily, cold, hard winter set in for a while, but the talk of the perils of deer sprung once again with spring 2007. Tonight, he conveyed a particularly amusing story of how he saw a pregnant doe in my yard the other day. Beautiful, right? Wrong. He decided to run after it and throw a rock at it. Um...that frightens me a little. But really, the image of it just completely cracks me up. Aw...Lou.

Now, please allow me to introduce you to Bernice. Bernice lives across the street. She is somewhere in her 80's and lived with her rather overweight boxer named "King" when I moved in. She immigrated from Vienna with her husband as a young woman, and she has lived on this street for many, many, many years. She pretty much owns this street if attitude, experience, and knowledge counts for anything. She has always been very sweet to me, but I was warned early on not to get on her bad side, and I can see why. She is a tough lady. She is, however, also a lady who is very hard of hearing. I have been awakened many a summer morning to the sound of her repeatedly screaming "King" in an unbelievably high-pitched voice only to look at the window and see her prod him along with some sort of walking stick. Say what you want, but that woman loved her Kingy. Sadly, King died this spring, and she has been devastated. It has given me many opportunities to talk with her and get to know her better, though, and I am really enjoying it. When I recently returned home from Colombia, she came running out the door to see me as soon as she saw me again, and we talked for like 45 minutes even though I was really needing to be somewhere. We hugged. It was sweet.

My favorite with Bernice, though, is how she will often make statements like, "Oh, that's nice dear" when she can't hear what I just said. It reminds me of the King in the Princess Bride, when Princess Buttercup tells him that she is going to kill herself and he says, "Well, won't that be nice."

My mission now is to find out ways my other neighbors can amuse me. Oh, and I guess I will try to get to know them, too. Won't that be nice.

*names have been changed to protect these very friendly, helpful, and overall lovely people who just happen to provide me amusement even as I likely do the same for them with all of my idiosyncrasies and those of my visiting friends (e.g., Aaron Maxie, who, when Lou had his shirt off as he worked in his garden on a hot day and stated "nice to see you again, Aaron," responded, "nice to see, too. And I am seeing a lot, aren't I?")

Colombia: Preludes

2007-07-15T20:26:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time, five young professionals stepped onto an unknown path, traveling to Bogota, Colombia as part of their church plant's first international mission trip. They had been charged with a God-given mission to love Him and spread His love for others in both their local community (Clifton) and their broader global community. Loving others, serving others, and creating community by opening a coffee house were three components of that mission , so Colombia seemed an obvious choice. And then there was that small connection created by two adorable little boys born in Colombia and brought to the USA to be loved and raised by two great parents who also oversee this whole crazy thing called D'VINE.

The group worked with their broader church community to raise money and elicit donations of much-needed medical equipment for Luz y Vida , an amazing facility for orphaned children with special needs. Through these efforts, they were able to provide car seats, clothes, a patient lift, and, together with another group's donation, a much-needed commercial grade washer/dryer to replace the single household washer that was being employed to wash the clothes, diapers, and linens of the 120+ children cared for at the facility. They then traveled to Bogota to provide whatever hands-on help was needed in the orphanage, which generally included holding, feeding, changing, and otherwise entertaining the children as the staff worked tirelessly to meet their extensive basic and broader medical needs.

Through this experience, God worked in amazing ways. He touched the hearts of each team member, and, they were quite sure, touched the hearts of those served as well. Reflection will undoubtedly yield insights, musings, lessons, direction, and even callings for some time to come, and this is where our story begins...

Sometimes (or oftentimes) God doesn't have the same plan for us that we have for ourselves. His is always ultimately better, but it doesn't always seem like that at every point along the way. Then there are the times when He really throws a curveball - you don't know whether to swing or whether you should let it go because it's really not the best pitch for you in the moment.

Here's my recent curveball.

I know there was a divine purpose to this encounter, I just don't yet know what that is. I know it confirmed some things and brought some other fleeting possibilities closer to the forefront. I know this child touched my heart and, with that touch, brought a fresh touch from God. For now, that will be enough until the rest comes into focus.

Stop the Presses...

2007-06-20T23:07:00.000-04:00

I officially have a new goal. Ok, in actuality, it’s not just a goal - it's more like a need. And by need, I mean it's kind of an obsession.

No - I am not referring to gin and tonic (I felt I needed to say that before my next run in with a certain friend of mine involves him jumping out of a parked car, pulling me off the sidewalk, and driving me out west to a famous clinic established by a former first lady). What I am referring to is the fact that I just saw AFI’s list of top 100 films of all time, and it is seriously bothering me that there are a lot of films I have never seen. There are a few I have never heard of (mostly silent films), but what disturbed me the most was the sheer number of films I have heard of, know to be famous and acclaimed films, and have just never set aside time to watch.

Do I hear you asking what I am going to do about this? Well, I am going to start with the top rated films and watch all the films I haven’t seen until I reach #100. When they add more and drop some, I will watch the new ones as well. Maybe I’ll watch some I’ve already seen, because I just can’t help myself. Maybe I’ll write reviews and stuff. The sky’s the limit when it comes to obsession.

First up…Citizen Kane. I seriously haven’t seen the #1 movie. How pathetic am I?* If you, too, are pathetic, feel free to join me.

*This question is rhetorical

RSVP

2007-06-19T14:12:00.000-04:00

You issue the invitation
Once, twice, countless times

Excitedly, I answer
“Yes!”

Longing to come
My heart soon recoils into dark corners
Of a drawer full of broken promises

“Something came up,” I first say
Next, I bring guests to a date meant only for two
Always understaying my welcome

You never give up
Another missive arrives
Carrying peace which envelopes as the seal is broken

It is time
I cannot miss the opportunity
I cannot miss You

Not again

Receive my RSVP
Tied not with the fragile chains of will and resolve
But the tender longings of my heart

I go where I know You wait
This party for two is soon to begin

Ruminations

2007-06-15T16:54:00.000-04:00

What will be my next thing? Will it be as good as the last? I don’t want to live in the fading light of glory days long passed.

And what of missed opportunities? Will they come back ‘round again? If only I could pass some clues to that girl I was back then.

How do I move life forward, closer to where I want to be? Will striving lead me to success, or is it enough just to live free?

It’s these questions that consume me. And with them comes the fear. Yet through God’s love it’s less and less with every passing year.

Evocative One

2007-06-13T15:32:00.000-04:00

endless moments
stolen glances
benign from another
addictive from you

my evocative one

kissless, touchless, careless
your mere presence brushing mine
e(merging) into transcendental desire

a distant dream tenuously aroused
upon its bed of premature slumber
where fantasy burns to ashes within a kiln of solitude

speak!
shatter this vessel of surrendered silence
throw a shared adventure with your words
narrate destinations where journeys unite

Today is....

2007-06-09T15:00:00.000-04:00

Helping a friend
Sunny breezes on my face
Greeting strangers
Talking to God
Smiling for no reason
Nourishing beautiful things from an unsurpassed Creator
Catnap in the shade, book on my lap
Listening to nothing, hearing everything
Glass of water next to a better one of gin and tonic
Music in my ears
Dreaming
Hoping
Praying
Words to paper
…the way it’s supposed to be

Immovable Heart

2007-06-09T14:04:00.000-04:00

Oh, heart
Can I not replace you?
For you are no good to me now

Circumstances changed
Life goes on
But you do not

So much of what I do now
Centers around you
My will is but your slave

I push and I pull
But you do not budge
I gaze at your steadfastness
And am haunted by the mystery

Love's Song

2007-05-18T16:18:00.000-04:00

Nowhere to turn
Means everything to gain
For I have You

Hurt by another
Means look to my Lover
To be made new

To respond in anger
To become but strangers
Makes me a fool

I turn my head
Red cheek to pink
Destruction, love alludes

Awakening

2007-05-15T06:47:00.000-04:00

Tonight I dared to dream again
How scared I was
To remember
To hope

A shooting star
A present from my Lover
Telling me I have but to ask
That I can’t out-dream Him

Light streaming downward
I held out my hands
But it pierced my heart instead

The same hand that moves the stars for me
Holds mine
And calms my deepest fears

Finally, I have passionate peace
True Love
Found

Drawn to Dawn

2007-03-26T16:22:00.000-04:00

We glorify the dawn, for with its golden light it ushers in new beginnings and illuminates beauty in things that are otherwise overlooked. But can God’s glory be contained by the dawn? Or are the boundaries imposed by the smallness of our minds and the vastness of our fears? Just as beauty is more than skin deep, the beauty of God's glory is far more than the beauty appreciated by man.

It is in the dark that I am learning to see. It is with my senses blurred, deafened, and obscured that God is being more fully perceived. Without my faculties, I am forced to breathe Him in. He fills my lungs and restores my soul.

I, like you, am drawn to dawn. But it is my time with God in the dark that draws me.

Run Ladies Run!

2006-08-03T13:52:00.000-04:00

We interrupt this programming for a brief message from our sponsors...

invites you to sponsor

RUN LADIES RUN!

No, we’re not running for our lives, but we are running for a good cause. We will be coming together on August 5th to take part in the 4th Annual Lady Distance Classic, running or walking either a 5K or 10K course.
Why? It’s all part of D’VINE’s Big Ask campaign to raise money to open a not-for-profit coffee house in the Clifton area. This coffee house will be a gift to our community where people can get great coffee, grow relationships and experience community, and be creative or appreciate the creativity of others.

If you would like to partner with us, we are looking for financial sponsors to support us as we run like the wind (or maybe just a soft breeze). You can pledge by kilometer or in one lump sum. We would love for you to support us however you feel led. And feel free to come cheer us on!
I personally will be running the 10K. If you would like to provide support, either financially, praying that God would provide sponsors, and/or moral support at 7:30 am this Saturday, let me know! I'm #1541, or just look for the person running with death-defying speed :)

Spiritual Bulimia

2006-08-01T15:19:00.000-04:00

I’m starving. Obsessed, I hunger and thirst for spiritual food, but with this obsession co-exists a great aversion to the very object of my desire.

I seek Him out, but moments of rest are so quickly overtaken by a battle that I can’t face. I turn and retreat.

I binge. I purge. I am left lonely and longing.

I am surrounded by lies, piercing and deflating the truth like arrows. The aim is too good. No doubt the archer is skilled.

He disputes my worth. He tells me I am alone. He tells me to give up, to walk away. He tells me nothing yet everything all at once.

His voice is persuasive; his volume too loud. And the lies of this world play an alluring accompaniment. From the horns comes “bitch,” from the strings, “ho,” from the woodwinds, “too much,” and percussion, “not enough.”

I rally to turn the channel, and I hear the contents of my heart sung to a less compelling rhythm.

Lord, I'm in the dark,
Seems to me the line is dead when I come calling.
No one there, the sky is falling;

Lord, I need to know.
My mind is playing games again,
You're right where You have always been.

Take me back to You,
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.

Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

I will rest in You,
I will rest in You,
I will rest in You.

Tell me I'm a fool,
Tell me that You love me for the fool I am,
Comfort me like only You can,

And tell me there's a place
Where I can feel Your breath
Like sweet caresses on my face again.

Take me back to You,
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.

Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

I will rest in You,
I will rest in You,
I will rest in You.

“I can barely hear you. Please grow louder.” 4, 5, 6, 7, 8…still not loud enough. Still not long enough. “Please don’t stop! I need to hear!”

“That is nothing, child, but a fruitless cry to vacated seats. He does not hear you. His do not hear you. Not you. Spit Him out. Spit them out. Vomit. Vomit!”

Spiritual bulimia…And with it, darkness obscures the horizon. Desperate, I reach back and grasp for something real. “What’s that?”

A still small voice is barely audible beneath the clamor... "What? Please…louder.”

“Eat, My child. Drink”

I long for solid food, but I will start with milk if I must. I will not spit it out, though the taste seems oddly bitter.

I will not forsake it, for I still believe it will not forsake me.

Please Endulge Me

2006-07-27T13:27:00.000-04:00

Yes, now is the time for all of you who are waiting for me to write something incredibly profound and inspiring on this blog to...well, wait even longer. Sorry, but I feel I must now take on the role of unabashedly proud aunt, showing off these pictures of two of my adorable nephews. Seriously, who can resist these faces?

First, this is Joey. Joey is 2 years old now. Joey is (hopefully) wearing swim trunks specially designed by Walmart. As you can see, he is also sporting an amazing smile that my sister and I first saw when we finally met him at a South Korean adoption center last June. He has the most amazing personality and has had an incredible impact on so many lives already. Everyone say, "Hi Joey."

Now, this is Tyler. Tyler is Joey's big brother at a ripe old age of 5. Tyler is much taller than the last time I saw him, which was unfortunately December (they live on the East Coast). Tyler, as you can see, has a girlfriend. Tyler is very smart and can probably almost read this. Tyler would then say, "I don't have a girlfriend you goofball." Goofball is his favorite derogatory name for other people (especially Daddy and Aunt Marsha), but that is probably so December by now.

And this...well, this can't be a good omen, can it?

Be Afraid...Be Very Afraid

2006-07-14T14:50:00.001-04:00

After what I just went through in the last half-hour and in similar calls over the last several weeks, I am seriously concerned that someday - it may be tomorrow or it may be years from now when I am old(er) and gray - I will find myself walking down the street or sitting in the park or otherwise minding my own business when, all of a sudden, it will happen.

I will hear a voice that has the misfortune of too closely approximating that computer-generated one used by Big Business and Big Health Care and all the other Big's to keep from having to have any personal contact with the people whom they serve. The one that makes us wait on the line, speak our 10-digit member number, says "sorry, but I think you said..." when you know you spoke perfectly clearly, and never gives you the option you needed in the first place. The one that never gives you even the opportunity to press something to be connected with a real live person unless you can generate the willpower to not press anything while Little Miss Computer says things like, "Sorry, I didn't get that" or "Remember, you need to press either 1 or 2 to indicate you choice" or something like that. And is it just me, or does her voice tone change ever so slightly to indicate increasing annoyance on her part? Like she's the one who should be annoyed in that scenario.

When I do someday come across that poor unsuspecting individual who sounds a little too much like this computer lady, I can only imagine the ire that will rise up in me. I can only imagine the strength of character and peace of God that will need to come over me to keep me from taking out on her all the bitterness that for me has become attached to that voice. It is like nails on a chalkboard (the ancestor of the white board for the younger generations out there).

Sometimes I swear I was born in the wrong time. It's time like these I wonder what it would have been like to live in the 1940's or 50's. I know I would have a very different lifestyle, but I think I look pretty good in high heels and pearls :)

Something Profound? Not So Much

2006-07-06T09:44:00.000-04:00

So the fact that I think this video is hilarious and the fact that I actually understand not only what these people are singing about but also why they would be driven to do something so ridiculous officially makes me a nerd. I am finally accepting it.

Real Men of Genius

2006-06-14T07:48:00.000-04:00

Bud Light (or not) presents Real Men of Genius
(Real Men of Genius)

Today we salute you, Mr. Hoot and Holler at Women Passing By Guy
(Mr. Hoot and Holler at Women Passing By Guy)

You are perhaps the greatest inspiration to women everywhere, using your primitive calls to bring joy to their days, even as you stand there in your wife beater t-shirt
(there’s ketchup on your t-shirt)

You spend your days thinking up new and different ways to make your voice into the perfect mating call to attract that very special woman of your dreams
(more like a nightmare)

Day in and day out women pass by and ignore you, but you aren’t deterred
(I think she might like me)

It’s true, it’s never worked before, but those were just bitches anyway
(maybe if I call her “sweetheart”)

So open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. King of Carnivals and Construction Sites. Because if one guy can use his voice to let other men know just how not to treat women, we are glad it’s you
(Mr. Hoot and Holler at Women Passing By Guy)

To Love or Not To Love

2006-06-07T21:47:00.000-04:00

"Well said, teacher," the man replied. "You are right in saying that God is one and there is no other but him. To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices." When Jesus saw that he had answered wisely, he said to him, "You are not far from the kingdom of God." And from then on no one dared ask him any more questions.
Mark 12: 32-34

When God commanded us to love our neighbor as ourselves, do you think he meant to include inept customer service personnel? You're probably going to say yes, aren't you?

God, sorry for today. Help me to love you more, experience the true freedom of your love, and love others through both easy and difficult situations. It can only go up from here.

Yard Sale Mayhem

2006-06-05T17:11:00.000-04:00

Does anyone recognize this guy? It's the many sides of Steve Bragg. And, as you will see, I mean that quite literally.

The pose that sold this old washing machine.

Can you believe someone gave these beauties away?

Wow, if the first one didn't convince you...

These light fixtures never sold, but Courtney and Steve gave it a valiant effort.

Confessions of an Emotional Voyeur

2006-06-02T13:24:00.000-04:00

I like to watch people in crowds and ponder their interactions with each other. I especially like to observe people when they are having a personal moment – either a positive or a negative one.

I like to study people’s faces to look for their real, possibly unspoken reactions to situations.

I like to stare at the scene of an accident in order to see what kind of tragedy has occurred, and then I ponder how it may affect the lives involved.

I like to ask people questions that get at the root of what they are thinking and feeling. I just think we too often hang out on the surface and miss out on all the wonders that can be found beneath.

And I like to read people’s blogs in order to learn about them, including stuff they don’t share in person. And this creates for me a level of intimacy with the person. For the people who are willing to share that level of intimacy, it doesn’t turn out to be a problem – just another avenue with which to draw closer to one another in friendship. And for people I don’t really know anyway, it’s not a problem because I don’t really have an emotional investment. It then becomes a way of creating a more limited relationship. But for people who are in my life but not otherwise willing to share and discuss the things they blog about in person, it’s an emotional disparity that I find myself on the losing end of. It’s a form of relationship that leaves me feeling empty and let down.

And I worry that we might be becoming a blogging generation that is losing out on real emotional intimacy. I think that blogging can create and even enhance relationships. But I also think, if allowed to, it can become a second-rate replacement for true relationship. Emotional voyeurs are especially vulnerable. *

So, hi. I’m Marsha. And I’m an emotional voyeur.

And everyone says, …”Hi Marsha...”

*The contents of this blog have been previously discussed with people in my life and thus are not themselves an example of emotional exhibitionism and voyeurism through blogging.

My Birthday and Other Minimally Important News

2006-05-25T13:38:00.000-04:00

First of all, thanks to all of you who remembered my birthday. I was honestly going into the day not expecting many people to remember or respond, so thanks to all of you who took the time to do so!

Here are some random thoughts and ponderings that have crossed my mind so far today, inspired by watching CNN and Channel 9 at the gym while preemptively working off these double chocolate chip birthday cookies I am treating myself to. As you can see, it has been a busy thinking day. I guess birthdays do that to you. The scary thing is that most of mine occurred prior to 7am this morning. It is scientific fact that our circadian rhythms shift so that we wake earlier and earlier in our old age. Crap- it has begun :)

Lessons from a Foot Fetish

This is a story I only caught the tail end of after scanning the multiple TVs in front of me and seeing closed caption that caught my attention and caused me to tune in the audio. Basically, this woman was being interviewed because apparently, while unlocking the doors of her car to get in, she felt something licking her foot. Understandably, she assumed it was a dog or some sort of animal, and she looked down. What she saw was not an animal - at least not the kind she was thinking. What she saw was a man, hiding under her car and licking her foot - a man who apparently has a pretty significant foot fetish.

Now, just to get this out of the way, I do believe this is weird and disturbed and all that stuff. I am not endorsing it. I don’t want to go out and start having weird sexual attachments and addictions, and I don’t want to be the object of said weird addictions for anyone else. However, you gotta at least admit this guy had passion. I mean, he knew what he wanted and he went for it. He was trapped under a car with no escape route – that’s how much he felt he had to pursue this thing in his life. He stepped all over a poor woman’s basic human rights in the process, but he did it with passion. If only he could find more productive outlets for that passion, he could potentially do some great things.

And I think that is true for all of us. We all have addictions or at least something that is redirecting our God-given passions into something not worthy of them. Addictions can really produce passion. They are powerful and self-propelling. Why don’t our healthier desires and pursuits produce this much passion? Maybe for some they do, but I think in general we have a much harder time sustaining our passion in these things, even if it is something we truly desire to do with our lives. Part of it is biological, I’m sure. Addictions involve powerfully reinforcing chemical transmissions in the brain that give us a rush. Drugs, power, sex – they all do it. I wish I could tap into this for those things I know I am called to pursue, so I could pursue them with more passion. So that little things wouldn’t distract me or discourage me. So that less healthy things wouldn’t get in the way and take all my passions.

I’m not giving up. I trust I will get better at it. For now, all I know is this. I need more passion like Christopher Walken needs more cowbell. I’ve got a fever…

And this Just In

It’s apparently two superpowers pitted against one another. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is Walmart versus the little town of Hercules, CA, and only one is going to come out of this the victor. Will it be the king of the discount store movement, or will it be a small town with a big name to reflect its big heart? Will Walmart be allowed to stay, or will Hercules manage to fend them off and protect the town as they know it?

I am going to follow this one. It’s nice to be reminded that big, important things sometimes do come in small, humble packages. The loud, self-promoting things don’t always have to win. I hope in this case they don’t. I need to see the little guy win right now.

Words

2006-05-15T11:07:00.000-04:00

Words, words, words
I’m disappointed by words
They are no longer enough
They have betrayed my trust

Words are a weapon
They form a web of deceit
They cost me part of myself
Wounded, I seize my freedom

This new perspective is so different
I can see past the words
And I hear a different tune
Despite the same familiar lyric

No more words crafted from a silver tongue
It is action I long for
I will settle for no less
I was never meant to

And The Winner Is...

2006-05-05T12:10:00.000-04:00

Why, you ask? Because May is Birthday Month™. And Birthday Month™ is a month where I get to win everything, even when it is clear that I lost. It's consolation for turning a year older, this year as old as Jesus when he died (no, I can't seem to forget that one). Some other rules of Birthday Month™ are included below. It's probably best to memorize them if you will be seeing me at all in May:

Marsha is always right (you probably already figured this out, but I thought I would remind you)
Marsha looks great everyday, even when she looks like crap.
Marsha doesn't have to put up with people picking on her incessantly - she can react however she pleases without consequence or grudge.
Anyone who says "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha" gets a consequence of Marsha's choosing.
Marsha gets to make up more rules as needed.

And with that being said, I will plan on seeing you all next month, after Birthday Month™ has safely come and gone. Happy May!!

™ Birthday Month is a registered trademark established by Marsha to denote the special treatment deserved during the month of her birth. Unauthorized use to garner special treatment during your own month of birth is strictly prohibited.

Party On...Excellent

2006-05-01T11:37:00.000-04:00

Bohemian Rhapsody...nothing like it. Just ask Collin and Candyce.

You Are Invited...

2006-04-24T13:27:00.000-04:00

If you are in the Cincinnati area this weekend, consider this invitation for you!

Stranded

2006-04-20T12:55:00.000-04:00

In this box of prism walls
Illusions of color and beauty
Strand me in a black and white reality

A space that is too vast yet too small
As this language confines me
Into a shadow of myself

Marooned on this island
In an ocean of assumption
And numbers are the salt

Where are the adventurers?
The ones to brave these waters
And sail the sea of discovery

The Camera Doesn't Lie

2006-04-17T15:56:00.000-04:00

OK...so it is becoming increasingly apparent to me how ridiculous I would look to everyone if I was followed around by a camera 24/7. In addition to the additional 10 pounds that the camera adds, here is a sampling of what you would see.

I have a rubber mat under this really sweet, ergonomic office chair that my work place gives me in order to make up for the ridiculous number of hours they expect me to work. The problem is, whenever I roll off the mat to get something from across the office or to sit at a different table, I have what you might call a little problem getting back on. You would think 50 times or so of doing this would lead to my finally catching on, but it hasn't. Instead, every single time, I try to roll back on at top chair speeds and the following happens (picture in slow motion for greatest effect).

Marsha's chair hits the edge of the rubber mat.
Chair stops abruptly;Marsha does not.
Marsha pitches forward head-first into large office desk.
Marsha exclaims not-so-lady-like expletive.
Marsha laughs at herself for doing it again and again.

I do a lot of dictating at work. After using a handset for a long time and realizing that this was causing a serious dispute between my neck and I, I decided to order a phone headset. I love it. Incidentally, I can't put it on without doing my best pop star imitation. I preferred Janet Jackson until not-so recent events led to a very different image being conjured up whenever I told people that.

Anyway, so I dictate with this headset. I have even mastered the art of dictating and eating by maneuvering food around the headset at the same time. It's a real job skill. What I apparently have not mastered is taking off the headset, because everytime it gets all tangled in my hair and I have to spend like 5 minutes getting it out. Very impressive indeed. It is closely approximated but not quite matched by the "earring stuck in the sweater while pulling sweater over the head" incident of March 2006. Somehow I got into some sort of straight-jacket position with that one, and it was not an easy feat to get out. Good times.

Just Do It

2006-04-13T16:53:00.000-04:00

Go see Tsotsi. You won't regret it. It's quite a story about finding freedom and redemption amidst the harshest of cirumstances.

Then let's discuss...

Here's To Good Friends

2006-04-10T21:40:00.000-04:00

...tonight is kinda special...

OK, I couldn't help that. But seriously - only a good friend could get away with the following:

Me: Yeah, so that's what's been going on. And I am going to be 33 next month. Here's to hoping that will be the start of a good year.

Good Friend: Jesus was 33 when he died.

Me: Um, thanks.

"You Can Call Me Fatty" and other miscellaneous life stories

2006-04-07T13:07:00.000-04:00

And here is the latest in a long line of stories from this stressful but eventful job of mine...

You Can Call Me Fatty

(Fade-in to supervision with one of my trainees yesterday)

Me: I see you have been working with Johnny and his parents. We should talk about how therapy is going so far and make sure your plan sounds appropriate to me.

Trainee: OK, great. Yadayadayada...And so, we had our first parent coaching session yesterday. Mom and dad are divorced but both committed to practicing at home with Johnny this week - Dad four times a week, and mom each weekend day when she has visitation. They are really coachable.

Me: Sounds good. Let's talk again next week after you do a bit more next session. Have we talked about this family before?

Trainee: Yes. This is the one where the dad is a pretty obese guy, and, when I introduced myself and asked how he would like to be addressed, he said, "My name is XXXX, but you can call me Fatty." And then when I called his house another time and got his answering machine, he was all "Hi, this is Fatty. Leave a message." And another time, someone else answered the phone and was like, "Just a minute...(in background) Faaaaaattttttyyyyy!!!!"

Me: Oh yeah, I remember now....so, what else do we need to talk about today?

(And Scene)

Next, a little treat from earlier in the week...

I just moved into Clifton. With this move, I am leaving my old gym behind and joining something closer. I work out way early in the morning, and that just isn't going to happen if I have to travel very far to get there. So, long story short, I decided to join the UC Fitness Center in the Campus Rec Center.

I will say that the center is pretty impressive. The only catch is parking. I don't work on campus, so I don't have parking there. Now, I don't live that far, but I have a small window of time to work out in the morning before work, and walking eats up a lot of that time. I am not averse to walking or running, but this will not be fun in the cold and/or rain. So, I have an epiphany. Why not ride my bike? All sorts of visions of me looking all cool riding my bike through campus come into my mind, and I settle on this option.

So, the morning after I join, I plan to ride my bike to the gym before work, work out, and ride home to get ready for work. The whole process starts around 6am - a treat from my former 5am workout time. Anyway, I get up all gung ho. I had prepared the night before by buying a bike lock for the sweet bike I bought last summer, so I was all set. I go in the basement to get my bike, and I head outside.

It's a little cold this time of year still, isn't it? This is especially true at 6am. Thirty degrees that day, in fact. I hadn't really thought about that. Oh well...

Wow, Clifton is pretty hilly, isn't it? I knew that, but there is nothing like getting on a bicycle for the first time in months (and before that, years) to bring that point home. Huffing and puffing and with copious amounts of snot smeared across my face, I arrive at UC. Almost there...

College campuses never make paths with direct access to anywhere, do they? It is always circuitous. I had forgotten that...

Working this bike lock on this fancy bike lock holder seemed a lot simpler last night, didn't it? Oh, got it. Great.

[Intermission for uneventful gym workout]

Carry over previous comments about cold, hills, huffing, puffing, snot, and circuitous bike routes and add the following on the ride home: 1) Many more people around to view said huffing, puffing, and snot. 2) Many more cars on the street to make this yet another in a long line of "I almost died" stories that I am compiling for my David Sedaris-style autobiography. 3) Me without my bike helmet (what was I thinking?!!), and 4) Arriving at my house again to find that my lungs hurt from the cold and that my hand was frozen in position on my brake.

And to top it all off, when I had arrived near campus, I had noticed plenty of street parking available at that time of day. Needless to say, if you go by campus between 6 and 7am from now on, you will see a black Ford Focus parked on the street...at least until it's warmer. Then you might see a helmeted, snot-free, cardiovascularly-fit, female biker riding over to campus. Be sure to say "hi" to her for me.

Fish, Dogs, and Fellowship

2006-03-27T13:31:00.000-05:00

I have never owned a fish. Quite honestly, I just don’t get it. If a pet is for companionship, will someone please explain to me what anyone gets out of owning a fish? You can’t cuddle with them. You can’t really play with them. You can’t talk to them and have them look up at you attentively as if they understand when you know deep down that they don’t. You can basically just watch them. And I will acknowledge that some fish are beautiful, but your garden variety fish tank fish isn’t all that attractive if you ask me. So, what is it?

Dogs I do get. I have always wanted a dog, but I have never had the lifestyle to be able to take care of one on my own. I have always vowed I would get one when I get married and have kids. But it won’t be a little, yippie dog. No - it’s a big majestic dog for me, all the way. And for now, while I wait to finally become the dog person that lurks beneath the surface of my soul, I remain a single woman with two cats. But that is another post altogether. (Disclaimer: I love my cats very much, but I will never be seen wearing cat clothing, knowingly having cat hair all over me, or joining any cat clubs – e.g., I am not the “cat lady”). Maybe the reason one of my cats is so incredibly fat is because I subconsciously want to feed it until it becomes the size of one of the dogs I long for. She is pretty fat…

Now to the purpose of this post. So there is this woman who volunteers where I work. Her sole purpose in this setting is to clean out the fish tank. She diligently comes in every week and does this job, free of charge. She also does it for other tanks throughout the hospital as far as I understand.

This woman fascinates me. She is single, and she has about 10 dogs at home. I know this because that is the only topic I have ever heard her talk about – her dogs. She has posted a picture of herself and her 10 dogs on our fish tank. And I wonder, what is going on with this woman?

Part of me feels sorry for her. Does she have friends? Is this the only way she relates to people, much like the Star Trek fanatics that find community and fellowship through their common interest in all things Star Trek. If so, I find this sad. But why do I find this so sad? Here is a person that is relating to people around a common interest. Don’t I do the same thing? Don’t I gravitate toward people who can relate to what I relate to and who can talk intelligently about things that interest me? Why am I judging this woman as if she is so different in that basic desire? I have no idea. My way of expressing all of this may be more culturally and socially acceptable than hers, but it is still the same basic desire driving it.

So fish, dogs, Star Trek…who cares? I say here’s to anyone who is out there doing the things she or he loves and connecting with others through it. We were made to be relational creatures. The individuality in how that is expressed creates a human diversity that is rather beautiful. I am going to try to embrace and cherish that beauty.

Happy Birthday Steve

2006-03-11T12:21:00.000-05:00

Yes, ladies and gentleman. This is it. The long awaited 29th birthday of Steve Fuller. We're going to celebrate this one for all it's worth, because we all know what comes next (some of us better than others). He, however, will probably just be watching NCAA basketball, but that's OK.

In celebration of our friend, you will find the many faces of Steve in the blogs of a number of his friends. You can check out the others in the links from this page. Does he have some great friends, or what?

So, Steve Fuller - this is your life (well, sort of).

Steve - here you are at what I'm guessing is about age 8. That look of excitement is the one that young boys across America get when they get to play our country's pass-time. Wait...that look is familiar. It's the one you still get for anything sports related...except figure skating (in public, at least). And what's that say on your shirt? "Fireballs?" OK, moving on...

And look...here you are around age 13 or so? Those are some serious bangs. Enough said.

Wow...Oh, Steve...were you the one just talking about you and the guys growing moustaches? Learn from your past, Steve. Learn from your past. :)

In all seriousness, here's to a wonderful birthday and an amazing new year of your life to come. May God continue to amaze you in all that he is revealing in and through you. Happy Birthday, Steve!!

Enter Stage Left

2006-03-03T13:26:00.000-05:00

You've gotta love those moments in life when you realize that you could actually star in your own sitcom, especially when they are so good that you know you would be like #1 in the Nielsens. These happen fairly often in my life. My friends back in St. Louis (back in the days of grad school and no money) used to say that I should have the show that comes on after Seinfeld - kinda like the female version. They probably weren't all that far off.

Anyway, last night was a sitcom night. I went out to dinner with some friends, and as usual I was taking very seriously the choice of what to order. So seriously in fact, that I didn't realize until too late that I was holding the menu over the candle flame, leaving a large burn mark on the menu and essentially melting two of the pages together. And then, of course, there was the pleasant smell of burning plastic that has probably led to some sort of toxic brain damage or something, but I will let that go. Helmets can't protect you from everything, I guess.

Anyway, back to the ordering ordeal. So, I absolutely love the Black and Bleu Tuna salad at the restaurant where we were, but here's the clincher. They keep making it smaller and smaller EVERY time I go. It used to be a dinner salad, and it has shrunk to closer to side salad size. No big deal if the price shrunk as well, but it didn't. So I have a problem with this. And when I have a problem with something, I say something about it. I am a matter o' fact kinda gal that way.

So I sat the waiter down to have a little chat. And he is very nice and actually agreed. He gave me some inside info about how it depends on which chef is making the salad that night. He offered to request that the more generous salad chef construct my salad for the evening, and I accepted the offer. In fact, salads went all around at our table, and we all got in on the deal. We were very excited. One of us (who shall remain nameless to protect the innocent) actually ordered two meals because she was so swayed by the whole salad thing - how hilarious is that?

While waiting for our salads, we engaged in your typical, friendly dinner conversation. Now, others may tell you differently, but don't believe them. I will maintain that OUT OF NOWHERE, my whole soda glass sliiiiid across the table, off the edge, and tumbled into my lap. I have no idea how this happened because I am not lying when I tell you I didn't do it. Of course, this happened just as the waiter entered the scene from stage left, and he, like all of us, found this to be - shall we say - amusing. He tried to keep a straight face, but all hope was lost. What is really interesting (not to mention speaks to my incredible coordination and grace) is that I managed to catch the glass right-side-up in my lap - not a drop spilled. I am, as many of you know, a woman of many talents this way. The others at the table didn't appreciate this talent as much as I did, but they were probably just jealous.

Well, we moved past this moment and went on with our conversation. I enjoyed a bit more soda as we talked. So much, in fact, that I was ready for a refill. I thought to myself that I would ask for one when the waiter came back. But, it turned out I didn't need to. He apparently already noticed my drink deficiency and brought another for me - but with a twist. He decided to put it in a sippy cup of sorts. Very clever, Mr. Waiter, very clever. I actually had to give him that one - I wish I would have thought of it myself. I do appreciate a clever retort as much (probably more) than the next guy.

So, those are highlights from my evening last night. What makes the whole thing even funnier is that, after making such a big deal that I needed a bigger salad, I wasn't able to finish the whole thing. And the waiter noticed. And the waiter also noticed that two of us at the table (including the one who burned the menu, required a sippy cup for safe drinking, and advocated for a larger salad that she didn't even eat) are doctors. But as the First Officer said, "at least you're not a real doctor." Thanks, First Officer. Otherwise, they might revoke my license.

Occupational Hazards

2006-02-27T18:03:00.000-05:00

I've been increasingly realizing lately that my occupation is creating some real problems for me. Probably the biggest is that it is very draining because of the long hours, but lots of people can say that, so I won't focus on that one.

A more specific occupational hazard that I really don't like is that, because as a psychologist I have to really listen to people throughout most of my day everyday, my desire to listen is dwindling. I know how to listen and reflect. I know how to hear things people are saying but not saying. I know how to hear hidden questions. But you get kinda drained by it after a while. And you get lazy. You kind of half listen, because you are good enough at it that you can still get by on 50% or less.

I have been accepting this as OK and understandable, but really this is not good at all. I mean, one of the ways we can really touch people, get to know people, and bring people to a greater understanding of life and faith is through listening to them. What are they stuggling with? What are they wondering about? How have they been misled or hurt by faith-based or religious experiences in the past?

I can't really touch people where they are if I am tuned out. And I really can't do it if the volume on my own struggles and life pursuits is turned up too loud like it has been. There needs to be more balance, but balance has never been my strong point.

I need to find a way to use the skills God has given me not only at work but in life. I believe it is part of what I was created to do. Ultimately it is about letting God fill me the way He wants to so I can use my gifts more fully without finding myself on empty. Otherwise, I will just stay stuck in my occupational hazard.

So, what are your occupational hazards?

Too Busy To Write

2006-02-24T15:04:00.000-05:00

I'm too busy these days to put two thoughts together in writing, so I am pathetically updating my blog with serial survey posts. This one was interesting to me:

Your Hidden Talent

You are a great communicator. You have a real way with words.
You're never at a loss to explain what you mean or how you feel.
People find it easy to empathize with you, no matter what your situation.
When you're up, you make everyone happy. But when you're down, everyone suffers.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

My LOOOOVE Style

2006-02-22T17:56:00.000-05:00

Your Candy Heart Says "Hug Me"

A total sweetheart, you always have a lot of love to give out.Your heart is open to where ever love takes you!
Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a surprise romantic evening that you've planned out
Your flirting style: lots of listening and talking
What turns you off: fighting and conflict
Why you're hot: you're fearless about falling in love

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

What?!

2006-02-07T13:16:00.000-05:00

OK, so today was destined to suck. I don’t usually start days thinking this, but this one just was. And it still is. Too many mistakes to correct, too many technology snafoos to sidestep, and just plain too much to do. So I am taking this, my coveted 15 minute lunch break, to share something hilarious that helped keep me going today.

I was interviewing a mother this morning who is what we in the business call "hypomanic" – in laymen’s terms, very high energy and hard to contain. There I am, innocently and professionally trying to work around this and get the information I need, but she continues to interrupt me to share additional information of variable relevance. Anyway, at one point, she interrupts me and says, “What the f*** should I call you anyway? Marsha? Doctor? Queen?” I said Queen would be fine.

So I manage to get through that without laughing, but then she comes at me with another one. I was trying to schedule her next appointment but mentioned to her that I couldn’t get on [my gestures and the context of the situation clearly implied that I meant I couldn’t get onto our computer scheduling system]. So she says, “Well, I sure hope you can get off.” I will just clarify that she was absolutely not referring to the computer.

What?! Talk about poor filter activation. You would think some of my more recent friendships would have prepared me against saying something that sets me up for a perverted retort like this one, but I guess my guard was down.

Hilarious day…

Lost and Found

2006-02-06T13:52:00.000-05:00

Lost: One fairly independent, purpose-driven, and self-assured woman who never had it all figured out but was willing to let God take her step by step down this path called Life. Taken captive by natural feelings that have become distorted by fear, impatience, and self-focus. Hoping with all hope to be found again. Please forward any leads to her whereabouts forthwith.

Found: A vast desert without apparent end. Oases not yet discovered. Mirages plentiful. Long stays are not recommended for the faint of heart.

Lost: One trusting and hopeful heart. Last seen drowning in an ocean of confusion after becoming disoriented in its search for truth. Handle with care if found.

Found: Directions to difficult self-discovery. For your copy, visit www.nopainnogain.com.

So, So Tired

2006-01-24T16:09:00.000-05:00

I am really fading here. I went to bed around 11pm last night (pretty usual for me). I quickly settle into a nice little sleep all snuggled in my down comforter. I would have liked to have stayed like that until wake up/workout time at 5:10am. I mean, isn’t that early enough already? But no…my body had other plans. It decided to wake up at 2:56am. It’s times like this that I want to throw that clock against the wall because it just seems to taunt me…2:57…2:58…2:59…Oh crap, now it’s 3am. I WANT TO SLEEP!!!! Then it’s 4am. Then it’s 5am and time to get up to workout anyway, so why not just give up? No problem. It was actually a great workout because I was more awake than usual.

But now…now, life is totally sucking. It is just after 4pm, and I am a feeling totally done for the day despite more than enough work on my desk to keep me busy for quite some time.

So what does everyone else do when you can’t sleep? Any tried and true remedies? I tried prayer, counting sheep, relaxation methods, reading, even doing some paperwork. It is so rare for me that I haven’t come up with anything that really works for me. I know from training with sleep psychologists that you are supposed to get out of bed until you feel tired again (which I did), but any other bright ideas from all you people with more chronic sleep problems?

Saying Goodbye

2006-01-19T12:40:00.000-05:00

I hate to say goodbye.

I guess I have always known this about myself, but it hit me big-time last night when I drove up to my house around 9:30 and saw the For Sale sign in my yard that hadn’t been there when I left in the morning.

Now, this sign did not just randomly appear in my yard. It was placed there by the real estate agent I contracted with to do it. It wasn’t like I didn’t know it was coming. And I am ready for this. I really am. In fact, the reason I was getting home so late in the evening was because I had been out house hunting for the next home God has in store for me (not to mention getting crazy looks from three of my friends as I displayed some serious slaphappiness). It was fun. And I am excited about it and the adventures that lie ahead for me. But I still dread saying goodbye to this house. I can’t even think about someone else living there. It’s just too strange.

This was my first house, and it really became a home for me. I think it is always hard to say goodbye to our first anything – first love, first car, first pet, etc.

I actually named my first car. This, I will tell you, is a big no-no. In college, one of my lab courses in Neurobiology required that I train a rat on a maze before and after lesioning critical brain structures, only to later kill him and prepare slides of brain slices to analyze under a microscope. The first thing they told us was not to get too attached to the rat. Yeah – I didn’t listen. And that ended up being a difficult process for me.

I didn’t listen when it came to my car, either. I named him George (as in, “I will love him, and kiss him, and call him George,” for all of you Looney Tunes fans). George was a yellow, Ford Festiva with orange and black racing stripes on the side to help him sell off my father’s car dealership lot. You are now beginning to see how I ended up with him.

George and I had some great times. George had taken me back and forth on the 3.5 hour drive between my University and my hometown – my longest distance living away from home at that time. George had driven me and my friends around Rochester, NY so we could get off campus and have some fun. I got my first speeding ticket with George. And George somehow always had his windows completely steamed up when I went to get him in the remote parking lot where he stayed when I didn’t need him – to this day, I swear people were breaking in and making out in there, but George never said a word. He was just that trustworthy. I actually had to have a parting conversation with George before I sold him.

So you are probably getting the picture…if it was that hard saying goodbye to George, it is understandable that saying goodbye to my first house is going to be hard.

At least I never named my house.

A Captivating Movie

2006-01-10T00:06:00.000-05:00

At the risk of shamelessly ripping off my friend Steve who wrote about this a little while back, I want to share some thoughts about a movie I just saw this past weekend - the recent movie remake of King Kong.

Disclaimer - I will take a uniquely female perspective that neither Steve nor the male character who speaks the truth behind the story brings forth. Proceed at your own risk.

King Kong wasn’t really a movie that I had been planning to run right out and see, but after reading Steve’s comments, it sounded more interesting. Specifically, he commented, “If you want to see a movie that portrays sacrifice in a way that reflects the true consequences of the choice to love someone more than yourself, watch King Kong.” So, since I am a sucker for a good love story, I decided it would be a good Friday night pick.

I never knew that there was an amazing message hidden within a seemingly far-fetched tale of a huge gorilla terrorizing the streets of New York. But beneath the outrageous premise of this movie is a beautiful story of the transforming power of love.

As one of the main characters states as he gazes down at the lifeless body of King Kong, who had just died fighting for love and the existence he knew he was meant to live out without compromise, “Twas beauty that killed the beast.” How true. For it was the beauty of a woman and the beauty of love that took the king of the wildest beasts in the jungle and uncovered something more. It uncovered a heart that could love, a heart that longed for and responded to the beauty of a woman. Yet amazingly, Kong retained all of his other qualities. He retained a fierceness that made him a formidable opponent to everything from dinosaurs, to man, to machines and guns. He retained his majestic appearance and countenance. And in the end, he retained his calling – to fight and live out his days as a king who succumbed to no one. But it was a calling now enhanced and refined by this transforming love. It was truly beautiful. And that beauty, beyond just the beauty of the woman - is what overcame the beast.

And just that would be enough...but what about the other side of the story? I couldn’t help but notice a transformation in the very woman who revealed the beauty that killed the beast.

Anne was an absolutely gorgeous woman. A true beauty. But others, from her elderly mentor on Vaudeville to the many rough-edged sailors on a grungy barge, noticed something more. There was a beauty in her spirit and her carriage. There was something special. Others noticed it.

So then you can see that when we speak about the essence of a woman – her beauty – we don’t mean “the perfect figure.” The beauty of a woman is first a soulish beauty. And yes, as we live it out, own it, inhabit our beauty, we do become more lovely. More alluring.
– from Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge

The only problem was that Anne didn’t see it. Or, perhaps more accurately, she didn’t believe in it. She didn’t trust it. And she didn’t trust herself. And she didn’t trust others. With a past where everyone she had ever loved had let her down, she had shut down. She would only let herself go so far, and then she would stop and go no further. She would only love so much, and then she would love no more, trust no more. And that was her existence. But:

So the choice a woman makes is not to conjure beauty, but to let her defenses down. To choose to set aside her normal means of survival and just let her heart show up. Beauty comes with it.
-from Captivating

And that, I believe, is precisely what happened to Anne. She made a choice. She experienced strength from an unlikely source, and she began to let her heart show up…

To experience the strength of a man is to have him speak on our behalf…We long for the protection masculine strength offers…We long for someone strong to stand between us and the vicious assaults of the enemy…The strength of a man is first a soulish strength – a strength of heart. And yes, as he lives it out, owns it, inhabits his strength, he does become more handsome. More attractive. As the fruit of an inner reality…
- from Captivating

As Anne’s beauty began to reveal the inner reality that resided in the heart of the beast, she began to trust not only him, but also herself. She let go of fear, and she took off on an amazing adventure with reckless abandon.

You could argue Anne was let down in the end. After all, the beast died, and he took his inner reality – the strength of beauty within the beast - with him. But I don’t believe it. I believe he left behind a whole new beauty in what he unveiled in this woman. He had unveiled the fullness of her beauty.

Although the movie ends there, I like to think Anne didn’t waste her beauty or let it fade. I like to think she continued to reveal her full beauty and the full presence of her heart in order to find and treasure her next adventure.

And I like to think I will do the same.

Fear Not

2006-01-02T21:00:00.000-05:00

So…2005. You and I had a bit of a love-hate relationship, didn’t we? You were a year that brought a lot of things - new friends who have helped me to rediscover sides of myself that I had almost lost; healing through buried hurts; and heartbreak and painful experiences that showed me where true freedom, hope, and joy come from, to a name a few big ones. But as I look back, all of these seem tied to one underlying development. 2005 was a year where I decided to confront fear.

I have lived in fear for most of my 32 years, and it has been this year that has helped me to see it clearly for the first time. It has been this year that has brought me to a place of confronting it for the first time. And it has been this year that has led me to see how much fear has been holding me back from amazing experiences.

And through all of this, I have learned one thing that I know for sure – fear sucks. And I am not going to accept it anymore. I am not going to let it dictate my life.

As I look to my future, there is a lot I could be scared of. Frankly, some of it may happen. Some of it may even be probable based on the circumstances that confront me. But God is a God of the impossible, and so I see now that circumstances are not the whole story. In 2005, God showed me that the impossible can, in fact, become reality if I trust in him.

So I ask myself, “what if I put myself out there and take the chances that are right in front of me? What if I take the risk?” Yes, my worst fears could happen. They could. But, alternatively, my wildest dreams could come true. My deepest hopes could be fulfilled.

I have wasted enough time. I have allowed myself to enter a life of boredom and white-knuckled security that left no room for adventure. And that is no life. From now on, I choose adventure.

I am shooting for my wildest dreams. Care to join me?

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:7

Not Feelin' the Love

2005-12-29T21:34:00.000-05:00

It has been over 10 years since I have lived in my hometown of Lowville, NY. I haven’t lived near family since that time. Both of my parents live there, and now so does my older brother and his family (including his wife and two children, ages 8 and 5). And my older sister lives in Boston with her family (including her husband and two children, ages 5 and 18 months), but they were visiting over the Christmas holiday too, so we were all together.

While my niece and nephews know their Aunt Marsha, they don’t know me overly well. I see them one to two times per year most typically, and I talk to them intermittently in between. I write all of this as background to a funny story…

So I am eating dinner with my father and my brother’s family tonight. The kids are done and have gone in to finish watching the Peter Pan video that Santa brought one of them for Christmas. Out of the blue, my 8 year old nephew, Stefan, leaves the video while it is playing (you have to understand that this NEVER happens) and comes into the dining room again. He looks at me and asks, “Aunt Marsha, are you married?” I laughed and said something to indicate that I am not and didn’t he think he would have met my husband if I were? He laughed, too. I said I would make sure he is one of the first to meet my husband after I find him. He laughed again and said, “I betcha he’ll be really goofy, just like you.” I think he was setting me up for that all along. That kid is smart.

Later, I walked into one again. He looks at me and says, “You look like a teenager.” As a 32 year old woman who is beginning to feel my age set in, I was pretty flattered. But it didn’t last long. As we were playing Power Rangers pinball (and I was beating his high score after he made some snide comment about how he would take it easy on me because of the fact that I am a girl) he then said with a devilish smile, “It’s probably hard to see those pinball lights with your old lady eyes.”

I can’t wait to have some sweet little ones just like these!

Ponderings Through a Partial Foil

2005-12-18T10:12:00.000-05:00

It’s rare that I find something in one of those women’s magazines that I think is worth quoting for anything more than entertainment value. You know - the ones you read when you are sitting at a beauty salon with foil all over your head waiting to get your next new look. Ah…highlights and a haircut…there is nothing like it to at least temporarily make you feel better about whatever crap is going on in your life. But I digress…

Yesterday, as I repeatedly pushed this one annoying piece of foil out of my line of sight, I found some pretty interesting stuff in one of these magazines. Of course I, being the astoundingly unobservant person I am when it comes to this stuff, can’t remember the name of the magazine. But I do remember some of what I read.

There was an article about getting your figure back after having a baby, and it was pretty interesting. Now, I don’t need that information at the moment, but I filed it away for potential future use.

Then I went to something really, really light – something about 55 ways to keep your love alive in long term relationships. Now, I usually completely ignore any article entitled “XX Ways To…” This policy has served me well most of my life, so I generally stick to it. But this time I had time to kill, and I had read and looked at everything else of interest, so I went there. The list was pretty tongue in cheek - some serious stuff and then some humorous stuff submitted by comedians or whatever.

For men, the one I liked was from the man who has the longest recorded marriage in history. What was his advice? To never underestimate the power of the words, “Yes, dear.” Sounds like a very, very wise man.

For women, there was one particularly funny one about not reserving blow jobs (hey, I am just the messenger here) for just birthdays and anniversaries. No big surprise there, but worth filing away for potential future use just the same :)

Most of all, though, I really liked some of the serious ones. As a single woman over 30, my thoughts about dating are less about just getting to know who I am and who others are in relationships and more about who I might like to be with long term. As everyone is aware, there is advice for this stuff everywhere you turn. I usually ignore it and just listen to my heart and the whispers of God into my heart. However, I did think the following two comments were truly words of wisdom and really not all that different from what God has been speaking to me on my journey.

Don’t pick the person you think you can live with; pick the individual you think you can’t live without. –Dr. James Dobson

Whatever you think about Dr. Dobson, this seems to be good advice. We get so caught up on the little things about the people we are interested in romatically. It can drive you crazy going back and forth on this stuff. “Can I see my life without this person?” seems much more important. It’s obviously not the whole story, but it’s a great starting place.

First, choose the one you love; then, love the one you choose.

I don’t remember who said this other than the fact that it was submitted by one of the magazine’s readers. I think it could not be any more true. Hold out for someone you are truly in love with; however, there will also be many times when you will each have to choose to keep that love alive. Choosing someone means committing to choose to love them. Not always easy, but a beautiful picture of the kind of love that Jesus talks about.

So, there you have it. Actual words of wisdom found in the pages of Cosmo or Elle or whatever it was - definitely an unexpected find. Of course, maybe none of this is at all interesting, and it was just the metallic foil interfering with my brain waves. You're done reading. You decide.

I Lift My Eyes Up

2005-12-15T14:35:00.000-05:00

This has been a very hard couple of days. The enemy has found some wormholes, and the attack has been launched. Already injured hope now reels further. This enemy is relentless. His whispered lies are becoming more audible. I need the truth of God to drown them out.

I know what the master plan is here. I know that the enemy wants me to blame God for my circumstances. To lose hope. To turn to old patterns rather than to turn to Him for comfort and healing. Despite how hard it is, I am not hip to that plan.

So I just really tried to press into God last night and this morning before going to work. My prayer has been that I would feel Him close right now. I need to experience Him clearly. Something small. Something big. I will take anything. And through it, I will praise Him just for who He is. Pressing forward through pain is difficult but also truly amazing when God is with you on that journey.

And I have seen glimpses of Him today, even at work. A 5 year old boy at work really reflected the face of God today…so amazing.

I want to thank all of you who are praying for me. The battle has intensified, and I would like to ask for continued prayers. I know where my hope comes from, and I pray that it becomes strong once again despite my circumstances.

Blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank.
-Jeremiah 17:7-8

The Shopgirl's Choice

2005-12-06T15:16:00.000-05:00

They say good things come in three's. Reading Courtney and Candyce's commentary on the recent GNO (aka Girls' Night Out) outing to see Shopgirl, a movie based on the novella by Steve Martin, has inspired me to post something I wrote while reflecting on the movie and life this weekend. So this one goes out to my fellow GNOers...boop boop.

I’m not a (shop) girl
I’m a woman

I know who I am
And I know my heart
The desires it hides
The feelings it holds

Something real
Something beautiful
Sometimes painful
Always patient

I gaze at a life that awakened me
Only glancing to other possibilities
Settling for the hope of love
But longing for love’s assurance

I face hurt now or hurt later
A choice that is hardly a choice
Yet it confronts my soul
It is mine to make

It was a beautiful dream
But it was only a dream
Reality sings a different melody
And I will soon have to listen

Is it time for the dream to die?
Strength may mean staying here
Or strength may mean moving on
To the hope of a new dream ahead

Tagged Again

2005-12-05T16:31:00.000-05:00

I have been tagged again - this time by my sweet friend Candyce. At least it gives me something to blog to get the week started. So, live from my office where procrastination is running rampant...

7 things to do before I die:

Marry the man God has designated for me; cherish and nuture that marriage.
Raise a child or children with a love that demonstrates the love of Christ
Vacation - African safari
Vacation – Australia
(note #s 3 and 4 preferably after #1 - wouldn't that be fun!)
Paragliding off a mountain range
Publish something nonscientific that I have written
Find new ways to bring God’s light into darkness

7 things I cannot do:

Surf
Touch my tongue to my nose
Ski
Make the Hydroseal call
Keep myself from laughing
Vomit (last time was when I was 19 – perhaps TMI)
Avoid drama

7 things that attract me to a guy:

Passion and dedication in the adventure of following Jesus, and a desire for me to share in that adventure with him (from the works of John and Stasi Eldredge, but definitely from my heart)
Strength of character and an appreciation for my...uh... strength of character :)
Sense of humor and an appreciation for my somewhat strange sense of humor :)
Intelligence (ain't necessarily lotsa schoolin')
Soccer/tennis body and general athleticism (oh come on, you know you have your physique ideals, too)
A willingness to pursue me (I am not going to make him jump through hoops or anything. I just need to be sure of his intentions.)
That feeling I get when he looks into my eyes (**long sigh**).

7 books/series I love (how to pick just 7?!!!):

Blue Like Jazz/Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Captivating/Wild At Heart by John/Stasi Eldredge
Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot
Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling
Naked by David Sedaris
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
(The Bible stands on a list of it’s own…)

7 movies I would watch over and over again:

The Princess Bride
Sense and Sensibility/Jane Austen films in general
Four Weddings and a Funeral
Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind
When Harry Met Sally
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Shopgirl (I think this might be on the list, but too soon to say for sure)

Awkward Is...

2005-11-30T12:30:00.000-05:00

Awkward is walking into the cafeteria of your local children's hospital and being accosted by somewhat out-of-shape belly dancers. I believe I also heard the clanging of finger cymbals before my eyes and ears shut down in a state of shock. It's bad enough for those of us who work here, but I feel awful for the parents and children. Looks like there will be a surge in psychology referrals for recurrent nightmares this month...

The Costs of Joy

2005-11-24T13:25:00.000-05:00

Watching a favorite comedy (The Princess Bride) on Thanksgiving Day………….free

A haircut with highlights to signify a new beginning…………………………….....$65

Gas to drive to Yellowstone to experience beauty ………...............one gazillion dollars

Randomly finding a large, bright-yellow flotation device in your backyard ……….????

The love of God and of friends who support me in difficult times.…………PRICELESS

On this Thanksgiving Day, I offer all praise and thanks to God who amazes me in how he provides me comfort despite the blows of life that would otherwise take me out for the count. Lord, I love and trust you even when I can’t remotely understand your ways.

I thank all of you who have been and are there for me. The love, tears, and laughter I share with you mean more to me than I could ever express. If you don’t know who you are, then shame on me for not letting you know the way I should. I love you.

Oh, here come the ROUSes…gotta go. Happy Thanksgiving!

I Am Woodstock

2005-11-16T08:26:00.000-05:00

I took this quiz linked on a friend's blog and thought it was kinda funny. Above is what I found out about myself. Interesting, especially since I used to sleep with a stuffed animal version of Woodstock growing up. If you don't agree that I possess these amazing qualities, you may feel free to remain silent :)

Hope

2005-11-14T09:46:00.000-05:00

This weekend was about retreating into time of relaxation. Myself and some other leaders from our church plant went to National Bridge State Park in Kentucky to spend time fellowshipping with one another and God, to get quiet away from the busyness of our everyday lives, to connect with the beauty of nature, and to just have fun. Well, goals met. It was amazing. Just a great time to unplug in order to recharge.

During our last day there, one of my friends saw a deer outside the window of the cabin in which we were staying. He was really delighted, as were others. I found myself not moving to see it, thinking about how I have a family of deer who I see enter my backyard from the woods behind my house about once a month or so, so what is the big deal about seeing one out here? So I ignored it. Boy, do I regret that now.

Later as I was driving back home from the trip and away from our retreat area, I found my heart sinking into sadness. I live alone, and I knew full well that going from a time of such great community and fellowship with people I love to an empty house would be a very difficult transition for me. I was ready for it, yet it still hit. I slept for like three hours when I got home even though I rarely take naps. I finally forced myself to get up and call some friends to go out, as staying there any longer could only lead to slipping further into that pit, and that would be far from healthy.

As I was driving to Baba’s where we were meeting for coffee before catching Capote at the Esquire, I saw a horrible sight. I saw a deer on the side of the road, freshly wounded by a passing car. As I drove by, my headlights illuminated the deer’s face, and I saw a look of suffering that I can’t erase from my mind. And I felt it right away – this was one of my deer. One of the deer that visits my backyard. One of the deer I was counting on for beauty in this city far away from the cabin oasis we had visited. One that I was counting on being here so much that I took the sight of another beautiful creature for granted.

Somehow this became about more than a deer for me. It was about dashed hopes and opportunities. That deer on the side of the road represented the opportunities that I hope for being ripped away before I have a chance to give my all to cherish and enjoy them. It represented the previous opportunities I have squandered away thinking that the next would still be waiting for me around the corner. But there was that next opportunity suffering at the edge of death on the side of a parkway. Hope deferred. Hope destroyed.

I did my best to gather myself and enjoy my time with some great friends. It turned out to be a good time. We later said our goodbyes through some laughter, and I headed home.

Pulling into my driveway, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I know that sounds dramatic, but it is true. Because there in my backyard standing frozen in my headlights was a doe. One doe. Maybe she was alone and that was her companion I had seen earlier. Or maybe she wasn’t, and I just couldn’t see the others from where I was. Maybe it was the same doe as has visited me in the past, or maybe it was a completely different one. It didn’t really matter. Because regardless, standing right in front of me was another opportunity. Another chance to experience beauty, to cherish something I thought was gone forever. Hope renewed. And I needed that. I really did.

Waiting for the Crash

2005-11-09T14:44:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I am incredibly sleep deprived. I am working on an extra project at work that is requiring long hours and lots of mental energy. So, even when I finally make time to go to sleep, my mind is not turning off in fear that I won't get my incredibly intelligent thoughts back when I wake. The result - sleep deprivation.

And I am so paradoxical. I generally don't drink caffeine and haven't for at least 5 or 6 years (it's a migraine headache issue). I am running on raw Marsha energy right now. You would think I would be lethargic. Nope, not me. I am manic. My fingers are like lightning as they move across these keys. People are interacting with me and asking why I am talking so fast. They are a little freaked out by my wide-eyed stare. They seem a little puzzled about why I have this low-level tremor. I don't know why, but they seem to be a little nervous that I happen to see things in the room that they don't see (no, not really...but the other examples are true). All of this without caffeine or a drug habit. Cool. But I am a little scared about what is going to happen when the crash finally hits. You may want to keep your distance...

Still Trusting

2005-11-07T19:50:00.000-05:00

On September 4th, I wrote the following in my journal:

I guess we have all been there. We have all taken shots that felt like someone just kicked us in the stomach; that felt like we took a bullet through the heart. I have certainly been there in the past myself. But now - this time in my life right now - is different. It seems I can’t get through a single week without taking not just one of these shots, but often several of them. And I wonder, “when will it end?”

This week, I took a shot that I don’t even think I have fully processed yet. I guess I know that if I sat still enough to let myself do this, it could very well be too much for me. On top of every other blow I have taken in recent months, this one might just knock me out. I don’t know if I could ever catch my breath again. How do you go on when the very thing you have desired in your heart since as long as you can remember may not be a possibility for you? How do you even find the will to go on? And the kicker question – how do you trust a God who would let this happen?

I want to trust that he can overcome even what seem to be overwhelming odds. And if this is not his plan for me, I want to trust that he has something better. I want to. But it feels like my whole life these days is about trusting the unseen despite overwhelming odds. I am tired. I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up. It is a crazy cycle. I want to get off. I want it to end. But instead, more ammunition is added, and the cycle spins faster.

So today I willfully choose to trust. And I will do that tomorrow. And by the grace of God, I will find the strength to do it the following day. And the day after that. And as long as I have to. Father, come and hold me through this…

I re-read this entry this week. My circumstances remain, and I am still tired - but not as much. I still have no idea what is going on – but I am letting go somehow. I still am facing the possibility of dashed hopes and dreams. But I am still here. I am still trusting. I am held. And somehow, I am more peaceful.

What an amazing God. I pray he never stops amazing me. But, then again, I guess he never could.

My Dreamcatcher

2005-11-04T13:49:00.000-05:00

One of the areas I worked in earlier in my training to be a child psychologist was childhood fears and anxiety. I was reading a friend's blog about his fears the other day, and something I learned about in my training came to mind as I reflected on fears in general. It is called a Dreamcatcher.

Dreamcatchers themselves did not originate in the field of psychology. They are actually Native American in origin. They were originally hung above a baby’s cradle with the belief that bad dreams and thoughts would be caught in the spiderlike web of the Dreamcatcher and dissolve like dew in the morning. In contrast, good dreams and thoughts would pass through the opening in the center and go to the person who slept under the Dreamcatcher.

What gives a fear power is not the feared situation itself, but rather the belief or expectation around the fear. This is then compounded by our avoidance of the feared situation or object – the more we avoid, the more our fear is reinforced. So the psychological treatment of most fears is typically two-fold: first, addressing the person’s thoughts and beliefs about the feared situation to examine where they may be misleading; second, doing some form of exposure to the feared situation. That is, a person must enter the feared situation in order for it to lose its power.

From a psychological perspective at least, the way a Dreamcatcher works is by addressing the first area – our beliefs. If we believe that our bad dreams are going to be caught in the Dreamcatcher, our nightmares will diminish. With children, I have seen it work over and over again when introduced correctly.

So, this made me think about how I actually have a Dreamcatcher of sorts in life. God has offered to catch the fears that block me from my dreams so that I can be all that I am meant to be. 1 Peter 5: 6-7 says:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

God has offered to carry all our fears, worries, and anxious thoughts, taking them captive and leaving only those things that empower and encourage us in the path he has chosen for us. But our job is to cast them onto him. We have to be willing to let them go - to actually hurl or cast them away. For some things in life, I find that this casting has to be done daily. For other things, it has to happen many times daily (which is exhausting on the days I even come close to doing it). For still others, it is easier (thank God!!). But for all things, the casting eventually becomes easier and lasts longer as I continue to do it. There are some things that are no longer even fears anymore, because he has taken them so completely in response to the casting.

My life, as it turns out, is teaching me one very important lesson (among others). God is our fearcatcher, and he leaves us with only our wildest dreams to pursue.

Speaking To My Soul

2005-11-02T22:48:00.000-05:00

I find it amazing when I come across the writings of an author who seems to be writing straight out of my soul. It's like I experience true connection. I feel understood.

As part of a group of incredible women that I meet with and am privileged to be getting to know, I am re-reading a book entitled Captivating. I highly recommend this book as an important read for women. I recommend it to men who desire to better understand and cherish women and the way they reflect a very part of God himself. It is a book that has brought me to a greater understanding, appreciation, and acceptance of who I am. And in this book, the authors reference a quote from the writings of Anais Nin. I read, and I wanted more. Here are some of her insights that really speak to me:

The time came when the risk it took
To remain tight in a bud was more painful
Than the risk it took to blossom

...to withhold from living is to die and that the more you give of yourself to life the more life nourishes you

The monster I kill every day is the monster of realism. The monster who attacks me every day is destruction. Out of the duel comes the transformation. I turn destruction into creation over and over again

For you and for me the highest moment, the keenest joy, is not when our minds dominate but when we lose our minds...

Great stuff. I can't wait to discover more. ..

The Root Of It All

2005-10-15T11:02:00.000-04:00

The little girl sat on the stiff couch, waiting by the window for the means of escape that would soon arrive. She stared through the clear glass into the sunny, summer day outside, and, even at her young age, the contrast of that beauty with the horror of what was unfolding inside did not escape her.

“Please, God, let them get here, but don’t let them see,” she thought. “Don’t let them notice.” But her rescuers did not arrive, and she was instead forced to watch, to hear a scene that would haunt her in ways she wouldn’t understand until many years later.

The sight in front of her remained disturbingly clear despite the tears that flowed from her innocent eyes. She didn’t want to look, but somehow she couldn’t stop. And she didn’t want to listen, but she couldn’t tune it out. Her sobs came freely, but they weren’t noticed through the anger and the yelling. And somehow the yelling was strangely welcome because of the fear that it could otherwise turn into something much, much worse.

And that’s when he said it, and the words stung like none she had ever heard before. “Did he really just say that? Is it true? Was I really a mistake? Something they never wanted? Do they even want me now? Maybe they can’t even stand the sight of me. Maybe that’s why they don’t notice me sitting here, listening, watching.” And the tears came even faster, shaking her whole body which now ached with hurt all over - except for her heart. Her heart just seemed to go dead.

Her ride finally arrived, but the damage was done. She dried her eyes, wiped off her face, and walked out into that bright sunlight that now seemed like her enemy. As she approached the beat up Mercedes and saw her friend inside, she smiled the smile that has been used to veil the hurt ever since. And they didn’t notice. Noone did.

That memory came barreling back into my mind and heart recently, and for a moment I was that little girl again. The truth is, in some ways I never stopped being that little girl. And with the memory came the tears, seemingly identical to the ones cried on that horrible, horrible day.

This time, though, the tears of sorrow and pain were mixed with tears of joy, because it was a memory brought forth by the God who knew I was ready to face it and all the hurt it had ushered in. He knew I was ready to face it because I was ready to reject the heaviness, rejection, jealousy, and tendency toward competition that it had planted in my life, affecting not only myself but also the people and things most dear to me.

The enemy is all too aware of my weakness, having been behind the whole thing in the first place. He wants me to experience rejection easily so that I feel cut-off from the love of others. He wants me to feel chronically unloved and unappreciated. He wants me to believe the lie that I have to be perfect to be loved, that I somehow have to earn it. He wants me to believe that the mistake was not only my parents’ but also God’s. He wants to separate me from any idea that my life is purposeful, that I have a unique place in God’s plan.

But it does not end there, because God is the author and protector of truth. And at the time He knew was no less than perfect, He spoke to me words of love like I have never heard, and the experience moved me like no words could ever express. He has confirmed my purpose and his love for me, telling me He is enveloping me in His arms from behind and that He ordained the following to be written with me in mind:

O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

I do have purpose, and it is a purpose assigned by my ultimate Creator before my very conception. It is a purpose that He is bringing to light, and I find myself standing in amazement that this is what He had in mind from the very beginning. I am in awe of the privilege and the responsibility, but I am so thankful that He is the author of it all. I am so thankful that He gives me insight into what is inside of me that needs to be healed and set free in order for His work to be accomplished through my life according to His plan. So I allow Him to heal, even as it means letting go long held beliefs and perhaps even long held desires. The roots of evil were planted, but God has pulled them out and is planting a new garden in my life – the fruits of which I can’t wait to fully experience.

Trusting in the Holy But

2005-10-11T10:41:00.000-04:00

I see it in people’s eyes, and I hear it in their voices. I recognize it because I, too, think it in my own mind. Logic stares me in the face, and, no matter how hard I try, I can’t make myself believe that it is to be accepted. I can’t help but want to defy it. I wait on a hope deferred, trying to keep my heart from growing sick. And I am scared, because it makes no sense. And I worry, because what if I am wrong and just plain delusional? And just when I am about to give up – to accept less than what I believe I have been told to expect - I once again hear God speak to me what He has previously spoken, each time in new and different ways. He somehow speaks specifically to the doubts and questions that are arising in the moment.

Each time, he tells me that He is in control. He has issued me a promise, and He will not disappoint. He is what I just the other night heard described as my “Holy But.” It makes no sense, BUT God is a God of irrational things. He is a God of miracles. He is a God that can make the unbelievable believable. He is beyond all I can hope for or imagine. He is beyond my view of reality and reason, and he is beyond that of others as well.

It is He who reminds me:

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; BUT [emphasis mine] those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40: 28-31 (New International Version)

I am so very tired and so very weary. BUT my God never becomes so, even though he walks the same path with me. I have limitations, BUT my God created the ends of the earth – and the possibilities of what he created are limitless. I have a finite understanding of my circumstances and those of others, BUT my God has understanding that knows no boundaries – there is nothing that is not possible through Him. I grow weak under the strain of my circumstances, BUT he renews my strength. Through him I can soar like I had wings to fly. I need only to let go of what anchors me to the ground and allow it to happen.

What could be better than this? How could what he has in store for me not be worth waiting for? And even better - He walks with me and sustains me and even makes a way for me to actually soar – soar! - as I journey toward the full experience of that which he has to give me. He is perhaps taking detours I didn’t expect, but the experience of the journey is itself a blessing.

Too often, I miss all the scenery on a road trip because I am so anxious to get to the final destination. If I had done this on my recent road trip to Yellowstone I would have missed so much. I would have missed the deer and the antelope playing (literally). I would have missed amazing sunrises and unbelievable sunsets. I would have missed stars as far as the eye can see across an expanse of sky as clear as I have ever experienced. I would have missed meeting interesting people and managing to wrangle a cameo picture in two small town newsletters. What a waste that would have been.

Too often, I have neglected to pay attention to the blessings in store along the way in my journey with God as well. No more. I am now going to try my damndest to pay attention to the scenery on my travels, not just to the end point alone. The beauty, I am finding, is in the detours.

Lord, continue to open my eyes and my heart to what you are showing me now, as we walk together to the fulfillment of your promises to me, and as we continue to walk to our final destination together. You are truly worth waiting on. Thank you for the experience.

The Bloggers Are Getting Restless...

2005-10-10T10:35:00.000-04:00

Ok, Ok…I admit that it has been shamefully long since I have posted. In my defense, I have been a bit preoccupied over the last few weeks, and that was followed by some much needed time out of town experiencing nature. Let me tell you, there is a reason we call God “Creator”– the most creative people I know have nothing on Him. There will probably be more on this experience once I have reflected a bit more, but for now I will merely step up to a challenge, as I have been “tagged” by agirloutthere.

10 things that make me happy (in no particular order) are:

1. Springtime
2. Laughing and sharing a laugh with others
3. My cats cuddling up to me and purring when I cry (no cat lady jokes, please)
4. Feeling truly loved – moments where it just permeates through me and I can’t deny it
5. Wearing open-toed shoes
6. The smell of rain on a hot day
7. Those moments when I know I am walking out what God created me to do
8. Conquering a fear
9. The feeling of a small child’s hand in mine
10. Slimming outfits

To all who know me as Helmet, don’t fret. Wearing helmets (or seeing others wear helmets) just missed the list at #11!

Stay tuned for reflections on my recent road trip to Idaho (yes, Idaho) and, as a bonus - suggested by none other than agirloutthere again - a list of ways I have almost died. How’s that for a cliffhanger?

The Places I've Been

2005-08-27T19:37:00.000-04:00

Alone is a road I know too well -an oft trodden path in my life. It is rocky and steep, and it leads to Nowhere.

Nowhere is the place I once made my home. In it resided no passion or purpose. I left only for brief but glorious vacations - vacations to wilderness places steeped in adventure. Once I traveled to a place called Love.

Love is a place like none I could have imagined. It is pure and innocent. It is unexpected and fun. But Love did not invite me to stay, and it sent me on to a place called Heartbreak.

Heartbreak is a place I wouldn’t have chosen. And there I suffered great pain. It is pain that still aches beneath the surface and sometimes stings like a new wound. But I noticed a sign in Heartbreak that led me to Growth.

Growth, I discovered, is an amazing place. It has its own share of pain, but it is pain that builds and does not tear down. Growth is a place that you can take with you wherever you go next. And Growth showed me the way to Beauty.

Beauty feels like I am home again. Not the shack I built in Nowhere, but a palace fit for a queen. It is a palace with room enough to welcome others to come and stay. And Beauty can’t be found along Alone. The only road to Beauty is God.

And God is a road that leads to so many other amazing places. It is there that I discovered Peace. It is there that I discovered Freedom. It is there that I discovered Trust. And it there that I over and over again discover Me.

My Battle Cry

2005-08-27T18:01:00.000-04:00

Once I was on the sidelines
Now I am fighting the war
But no victory comes my way
And the wounds are piling up

When will enough be enough?
It is becoming almost too much to bear
I find myself wishing for a fatal blow to stop the pain
And I am scared

I feel so alone in my army
My enemy attacks from all sides
Just when I regroup, a new attack is launched

Lord, I sit almost defeated, wanting to give up
The flame of hope is burning low
I am so tired of this
And anger burns red beneath the surface

But as I lay wounded, I find the strength to cry out
Lord, be my deliverer
I rebuke this enemy who attacks my worth, my beauty, my hopes

To him I say,
Though you come for me directly, through my brokenness and my pain
Though you come for me through the brokenness of others, launching arrow after arrow
Though you come for me as a wolf in sheep’s clothing
You cannot trick me
You cannot have me

Though you have injured me and have caused me great suffering, my spirit is not broken
You will not distract me from my calling
You cannot have me
You cannot have me

I am my Father’s daughter, and I will believe in what He says to me
Lies cannot take root
Truth will prevail

I pull myself up with strength from my God
The battle continues
And my battle cry is heard again another day

I Disappeared

2005-08-20T19:57:00.000-04:00

A strange memory came to me out of the blue last night. I remembered that, when I was in grade school, I used to always be chosen for the lead part in musicals and concerts. It was pretty much a given. I even remember that my music teacher used to hand sew costumes for me on her own time because my own mother’s sewing skills pretty much ended at reattaching buttons. I have a particularly vivid memory of a clown costume. But, I also remembered something else. I remembered that somewhere along the line, all of this stopped happening. Now, I didn’t suddenly become tone deaf or a crappy singer. What happened was I disappeared. I let fear take over. I went into hiding, because I was scared to let people see me fail. And because of this, my music wasn’t beautiful anymore. It was distorted. People didn’t enjoy it as much, and they stopped being drawn to it.

You may or may not have noticed that I haven’t blogged in over a week. Some of this has been busyness, I admit. But more than anything, this is really because my thoughts and emotions are coming too fast for me to even get a handle on. God is more real to me right now than ever before. Words just can’t describe the process he is taking me through. I can’t believe the intimacy that he is creating.

Through all of this, one theme is prevalent. He is bringing me out of hiding. The hiding that happened when I was a child wasn’t just about school plays and concerts. It was about my heart. It was about deciding at a young age that, to avoid pain, I needed to play a part. That part was of a young girl and later a woman who was in control, who was successful, who had it together. A woman who had to strive for perfection. I learned that, to avoid pain, I needed to hide the heart of who I am. The tragedy is that, in the hiding, very little has touched my heart and very little has come out of it. It has been a lonely existence.

I have known for sometime now that this is so much less than what God has for me. And I have been praying about this for many years. And the process that is happening now is bringing together all the ways he has been answering. I am seeing it so clearly, especially in the events of the past year. It has been a process fraught with pain. I think I really understand the term “growing pains” in a real way for the first time. But despite the pain – no, actually I think because of the pain and the tears that fall so freely now - I find myself knowing without any doubt that this is the single most important time in my life. I feel something changing in me. I am seeing my own heart for the first time, and now I can let others see it, too. It is scary and it has and will cause pain at times, but it is right. And I so love the God who has met me here and comforts me through it all.

It’s funny. As all of this is has been happening, I have noticed something else as well. Lately, several people have come up to me after over-hearing me sing, and they have told me how much they enjoyed it - that it was beautiful. Beautiful. And once again, I see how totally God can heal. I disappeared for a while, but now I am coming back.

Being Random

2005-08-10T11:50:00.000-04:00

I have some serious stuff rattling around up in this head of mine, and I am getting it down in writing when I can. I'm sure I will share some as soon as I find time to pull it together. But for now, the small portion of my brain not processing the serious stuff is still available to generate random thoughts and to create random thoughts from everyday experiences. I love being random, so here I go...

I like words. I am pretty good at using them. And I get really excited when I have the opportunity to use certain words in everyday conversation. One of my favorites is "moot." When that comes up, it is a banner day. Today I found a new one..."heist." I actually had a reason to use the word "heist" today. Someone else actually noticed the mad skills it took to find that opportunity, and we shared a side glance. And it made me happy. It is the little things in life that make me smile :-)

Hyper Hypo

2005-08-08T14:19:00.000-04:00

Look closely - is it Mike Myers playing Philip, the hyper hypochondriac, or me? Hmm, tough to tell, huh?

Helmet

2005-08-06T17:03:00.000-04:00

Oh Helmet, My Helmet
I revel in the sound
For you protect my cranium
Keep it intact and round

I know you are borrowed
And “Goodbye” I must say
What thrashing and crying
Will occur on that day

But I know in my being
My soul and my heart
That even though you will leave me
Even though we must part

Your legacy will live on
Just like the day you came
And you will be memorialized forever
As my new nickname
-For two very special lady HydroSeals

Yes, if you haven’t heard, it is true. I have a new nickname (it’s Helmet in case that’s not obvious by now). Well, really only a few people are using it, but I hope it takes off because it’s a little freaky how excited I am about this. I mean, I am writing ridiculously bad poetry (you didn’t think that was a serious piece of art, did you?) – not many things inspire me to do that. But, I have never had a real nickname before, so I can’t contain my excitement. I am also a little relieved, because it seems as though a lot of people have been calling me variations on the name “Ass” lately (e.g., jack-, dumb-, other less clean versions…). Hopefully, Helmet will overtake that somewhat disturbing trend.

Part of the reason I really like this name (Helmet, that is – not Ass) is because it was given to me by two new friends (go Seals!) who are very different than me in many ways yet the same in so many, too. And in just hanging out, having fun, and being open to the experience, we get the opportunity to learn more and more about one another. It amazes me that I just met these ladies recently, but the nickname actually fits really well for reasons that they have no clue about yet (those of you who know me know how well the name Helmet fits me). And this whole experience came about by just putting myself out there and being myself – my silly and very often embarrassing self. The result is the opportunity to get to know two wonderful women. And if this was all that happened out of the experience, it would be more than enough. And since to me laughter is an end in itself, just that would be enough, too.

But leave it to this awesome God that I talk about all the time to bring something else out of this experience for me…

The whole experience has made me think about how God sees me. I think he has a million little nicknames for me based upon his intimate knowledge of me. I don’t know what they all are yet, but I am learning more as I put myself out there enough to discover them. The experience of learning them is precious…I am his Beloved. I am his Workmanship. I am his Bride. I am Captivating. I am Loved.

But I am also Helmet. I think that may just be God’s favorite name for me right now. I think this because it represents my silly and carefree side. And because it represents a growing confidence that comes through him. And because he so loves the women who brought it out in me in the first place. So, right now, I think God is calling me Helmet. And I think that is very cool.

Hey God, it’s me, Helmet…

I Agreed

2005-08-05T15:33:00.000-04:00

-As I read "She devoured my tenderness, my sweetness, my gift..." at http://agirloutthere.blogspot.com, I was so struck by how what my friend writes about a recent discovery regarding a specific word curse in her life fits with something I wrote in my own journal earlier this week. So, I decided to post my journal entry. I post because I think that maybe God is doing something collective amongst his beautiful daughters, and maybe it is even bigger than that. I post, I guess, because I want to give God props for creating the true her, the true me, and the true you -

Someone told me that I was not beautiful or worthy of love
And, sadly, I agreed
Someone told me that I needed to stay hardened and protected
And, sadly, I agreed
Someone told me that it’s better this way, because it’s safe
And, sadly, I agreed
I agreed, and I remained unchanged.
I remained less than I was meant to be.

But then I wondered what would happen if I disagreed. What would happen if I refused to accept this as all there is for me? What if I rejected the thoughts but also refused through my actions? What would happen if, even though it didn’t feel like me at first, I chose different paths than the ones I know well? What would happen if I walked in beauty and freedom by making difficult decisions? What would happen if I chose to not be the “me” I have known – the one shaped and distorted by this world full of broken people like myself - in order to find the me that God created?

It has always been the case and will always be the case that I am God’s creation and that he loves and accepts me no matter what. Through this, I have learned to love myself. But I also know that he has more for me, and he longs with great longing to give it to me. I know that God’s ways are not my ways. By clutching my ways with white knuckles, I have no way of grabbing onto what God has for me.

So, I have now taken specific steps to break the power of these "word curses" over my life. I have committed it to prayer in order to allow God to cleanse me from the way these words have bound me. And now, I have decided to daily make the difficult choices to reject the old distortions and related actions in order to discover something new about who I am.

At first, I was overwhelmed by thinking about the everyday courage, self-control, and vulnerability that it would take to carry this out. But now I know that these things do not have to come from me – these are not traits I have to possess. I only need to possess the willingness to give it over to God, allowing him to fill me with what I need for the process that follows. When I do this instead of trying to do it myself, the me that God created – the full me with all of my own personality intact but refined to his glory - shines through. I am beginning to see it. And I realize that I am beautiful, I am worthy of love, and I don’t need to stay hardened to stay safe. Imagine that.

Captivity

2005-08-03T09:01:00.000-04:00

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
-2 Corinthians 10:5

Does anyone else find this difficult? I don’t know about you, but I have lots of thoughts. Endless thoughts. Millions of different ones, and so many that replay themselves over and over. I am having trouble catching them all. I am not even coming close, even though I am painfully aware that so many of these need to be taken captive because they are not consistent with God’s truth. In fact, they often distract me from God’s truth. They are aimed at pulling me away from a faith and hope that leads to complete trust. And I know he is worthy of complete trust. He is good. He does all things well. But how do I get rid of all these distracting thoughts?

Well, I think I am finally beginning to accept the message that I don’t. I can probably handle some of them, but the overall task is too big. My pastor and friend gave me a book called Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning. In it, Manning writes:

Understandably, then, we hide our true selves from God in prayer. We simply do not trust that he can handle all that goes on in our minds and hearts. Can he accept our hateful thoughts, our cruel fantasies, and our bizarre dreams? we wonder. Can he cope with our primitive images, our inflated illusions, and our exotic mental castles? [I would add, “Can he handle all my ruminations and worries? Can he handle my warped mind? Can he handle my future?”] We conclude that he cannot and thus withhold from Jesus what is most in need of his healing touch.

In order to grow in trust, we must allow God to see us and love us precisely as we are. The best way to do this is through prayer. As we pray, the unrestricted love of God gradually transforms us. We open ourselves to receive our own truth in the light of God’s truth. The Spirit opens our eyes to see what really is, to pierce through illusions so that we can discover we are seen by God with a gaze of love.

Hmmm… So I pray, and I get changed? It seems like there should be so much more involved in tackling such a big task, but he is showing me that his power in my life is released in greater measure through prayer. As I pray, I get changed – the thoughts lessen, but he also equips me to take them captive when they do arise. I see him changing me. So I pray more than I have every prayed - not because I have to in order to be a “good Christian,” but because I desire to. Because I see it transforming me into the person God created before the distortions of this world warped his original design. Prayer is an amazing way to connect with God. It is amazing how I can speak to him in prayer when I allow myself. It is even more amazing how I hear from him through prayer – especially lately. He is blessing me with so many personal touches. And more and more, I trust him to handle all of my junk, all of my silly and not so silly ruminations. I trust him to handle the future that is so hard to let go of. I trust him with the very trust that he instills as I draw closer to him in prayer. He gives me all that I need to continue on this journey.

Lord, I thank you and praise you…

What I Signed Up For

2005-08-01T12:21:00.000-04:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. This is not new, because I am in my head a lot. I am in my head to the point where we psychology types call it obsessive – it is not a good thing. But lately, some of what has come out has moved away from obsessing over the wrong things and instead engaging in what I think is becoming an important and productive struggle over some very important things. These range from facing my own issues, to what it means to trust God and give him control in areas where my grip can become so tight, to specifically how God is calling me to do what he is calling me to do in this short life (the “what” is being revealed amazingly clearly right now, but the “how” is pretty fuzzy).

In all of this thinking, I am arriving at one thought in particular that keeps coming up over and over. Here it is…This is not the life I was expecting. I mean, I don’t remember signing up for this particular life. But, then I think some more, and I realize that I actually did sign up for this life. Granted, it is not the one I planned for as a young girl, or later as an awkward teenager, or later still as a young woman about to embark on my life as an adult. However, I realize now that “planning” and “signing up for” are two different things. One was of me – birthed out of my own will, desires, distorted emotions, and imperfect knowledge of what is best for me. The second is far better. It happened when I accepted that God’s love for me is absolutely fulfilling. It happened when I understood and accepted that his will for me is perfect, even when it departs from what I think is best. It happened when I accepted that his calling on my life is far bigger than ANYTHING that I could possibly dream up for myself. And I want a big life that points to my big God.

So, I look at the life I once desired– the one with its house in the suburbs, a husband who adores me, kids who think I am the greatest, a fulfilling career on the side, and enough money to keep us safe and secure into the future. Once this seemed so perfect; now I can’t imagine this being what God has for me. Sure, I still desire pieces of it – like many of us, I desire a fulfilling marriage and family as well as other outlets for my gifts and talents. I believe these are in my future, because I believe God has told me so. But the overall puzzle is coming together so differently so that the overall mosaic forms a picture that points to and serves God rather than me. The ways in which this is happening are surprising and challenging. But I thank him for protecting me against making the mistake of accepting the lesser picture earlier in life, because I see now that something different – and ultimately so very much better – is in store. It’s beginning to reveal itself, and I know I was created “for such a time as this.”

I am entering this life that so many are going to see as strange, but, despite it strangeness, it feels so “normal” because it is what God created me for. It is a life that feels very scary to a woman who was once a girl taught to fear the unknown. It feels foreign to a woman who is pretty darn good at controlling stuff and still learning that letting go is the best path. But it is also exciting. And I now wish to reject fear and embrace excitement. So that is what I am going to do.

I could stop there, but I guess I feel this particular blog – my inaugural blog – wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t share an excerpt from the lyrics to a song that I feel could have come straight from my heart. They express my desire to follow God with my whole heart into the unknown – no matter what.

I’d rather chase your shadow all my life
Than be afraid of my own
I’d rather be with you
I’d rather not know
Where I’ll be
Than alone and convinced that I know

Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go
Let you turn me inside out
Cause I know I’m not sure
About anything at all
But you wouldn’t have it any other way

And the world keeps spinning round
My world’s upside down
And I wouldn’t change a thing
I’ve got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn’t change a thing

-Lifehouse

Hello!

2005-07-28T22:33:00.000-04:00

Welcome to Not So Strange, Not So Normal...enjoy the ride!